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Sick and tired

Hi it’s been 7 months since my life’s been turned upside down , my husband of 23 years after a silly argument in September refused to come home saying he needed space as his head was a mess , We have 2 boys 4 and 6 , anyway the weeks just went by with no answers I looked into other woman etc found nothing noticed he never had money and would lie saying he hadn’t been payed ,this went on months with no money even at Christmas he had nothing for our kids now before this he would give me whatever I needed whenever he was always a good provider , he also was constantly Ill with flu or cold he said he wanted a divorce because all we do is argue , lies again he worked away and we barely seen him to argue ! I have since found out he is in massive debt and I’m talking thousands to drug dealers , he was attacked 4 weeks ago with a bat due to not paying , he won’t tell me anything just turns angry and says he’s seeing solicitor , he sees our boys couple hours every couple weeks , can this change someone so much they want a divorce he was Always such a honest family man who was obsessed with me I’m finding all of it horrific but the fact he’s changed so much the hardest I love him I know I should just move on I’ve tried everything I’m sure he is taking the cocaine as well as sleeping pills , my life is a whole mess I’m pennyless worried about the future I earn a pittance can’t afford any more childcare can bareky afford to eat I see no way out of this I’ve been diagnosed with ptsd I’m on 4 different tablets a day , the lies and shock of it all I’ll never get over , how can the man I love who’s seen me birth his children just throw us away like trash , every good memory I’ve had feels dirty I feel used if I can’t trust him who can I trust ? Someone please help is the lies etc wanting a divorce his way or protecting me or am I deluded

1 reply

replying to Mammyessex

Hey Mammyessex

Sorry you are going through this too.

I don't really think the lies and divorce are his way of protecting you, I think it may be more a case of just not wanting to deal with anything other than himself.

One thing I've noticed is that addiction makes the addict really selfish. I mean to the point of not caring if you and your kids have food to eat or whether bills are paid etc... this includes being bothered about other people's emotional welfare and feelings.

So he's just wanting to 'check out' of his responsibilities and life.

For your sake, as awful as this sounds, it can be a good thing. From everything I've read one forums and on the Internet in general as well as my own experience with my addict partner, it is really hard for someone to quit these addictions (both the drugs and the gambling). Someone once said to me 'he's never going to change' and that was a little wake up call for me. I have been actively trying to leave mine for arpund 8/9 months now - circumstances making it hard re: housing.

Focus on yourself and your children. Have you checked whether you are entitled to any benefits to help you financially?

replying to Mammyessex

Hi thanks so much for your reply I’m getting universal credit but our bills are so high I’m going to have to go homeless to get a council house x I’m so shocked by all of it it just doesn’t seem real I can’t believe that after all these years we could just be discarded x

replying to Mammyessex

Hi both :)

I am sorry to read that we are all in similar situations. It’s just horrendous isn’t it .

Completely relate to all the scenarios , moods , lies the lot - just devastates a relationship.

It’s like an imposter in our home - I’m playing detective constantly and holding the home life up . It’s so exhausting and not the life I ever envisioned i in think I’m still grieving for the past life and in shock what I’m having to tell with even though I’m 18mths in .

Mine says he’s quit again ( as of Monday) but I just don’t buy it I’m sad to say .

Don’t have a clue- I hope you manage to get out soon and begin to start your new chapter- your strong and it will be ok - don’t ever forget that .

You too mammy Essex - I think you should go and find yourself and again it’s going to be a bumpy ride but you will be ok , I think we all have children here and that’s what we need to focus on they deserve the best from their mummies - so we owe it to ourselves .

I’m existing here on the cycle but I’m looking at what I need to do if and when the final nail goes in- where we will go, selling up etc . I have to be realistic because like you said don’t have a clue sad matter is mine probably isn’t going to change either.

Sending hugs and strength - sorry can’t offer more advise , I’m still clawing my way through this mess here xx

replying to Mammyessex

It’s so hard I never expected for him to turn into a junk addict at nearly 40 and the fact he can toss us asside so easily x he’s the one who gave me everything I wanted , marriage kids but he’s also the one who’s took it away , I can’t see how I can

Move on but I must for my boys , much love to you all living this daily hell it’s concurring others are going through it but heartbreaking at the same time x keep strong lasses x

replying to Mammyessex

Hi ladies

Yes, it's an absolute nightmare. I truly don't think I'll be able to fully process it until I'm out and have some thinking space knowing I don't have to be around it daily. It's giving me PTSD!

I expect you are all facing the same... this just existing type of life trying to cope and hold it together for the kids... you can't process stuff while like that. You just live in the moment.

Mammyessex - the person you are dealing with now isn't the same person you met or married etc... I have read that certain drugs, especially cocaine, sort of rewire the brain and basically create the selfish partners we are now dealing with. So that's how they can justify their actions because their brain has altered to become extremely egocentric and to do anything to get the drugs. It's crazy!

I'd try and speak to the council. If you are at threat of homelessness then they have a duty housing officer who can provide you with specific advice and support... I am already registered with housing and I am having to give up my social housing (house) for a flat as I have to be the one to leave... he won't go... haven't been given anywhere yet... been bidding for a while now. I'm pretty desperate, not just for me but for our child. I want them to feel safe and have stability and normality.

replying to Mammyessex

Hi I’m absolutely exhausted off the whole thing I just feel like I’m stuck in the land of no man I’ve been diagnosed with ptsd it’s just horrendous with no end in sight I’m on council list emergency one I’m so scared for all our futures it’s all on my shoulders now , it helps having you and others going through the same but I’m so upset yous are in this position, I’ve done nothing but be a good wife and mother , finding it extra hard tonight can’t sleep x

Hope we all find a way through for our kids xxx ❤️

replying to Mammyessex

Hi Mammy

I am exhausted too.

How did you get on the Emergency list? I'm just on the normal one although I did pay to get GP to write a letter to say how urgent my need and our child's need is to move.

I am feeling really down. I wasn't able to get away this weekend. Also... and the thing that's upset me is that last week and this week there's been no suitable properties for me to bid on. Every week I hang my hope on being able to bid on at least 1 property. It sounds ridiculous but just thinking I might be offered one gives me that little bit of hope to get through the week. So at the moment I'm feeling quite hopeless.

On top of that, he is in the thick grips of addiction. Even choosing to get high when he knew a family member was coming to visit and has been getting high while they are here! He is definitely spending the family money again but there is nothing I can do about it so I've just become numb.

One thing I've realised is no matter how great of a person you are - great mum, wife and so on... it makes no difference. I feel as if nothing makes a difference. We are not in this position because of something we did. It is all about them. In a way I find that helpful. It was always out of your hands because it's not remotely your fault he's done this.

xx

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