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replying to Mammyessex

What I would say is if they are coming after him with bats.. he’s in some really deep shit. And my concern there is you and your children, bc when dealers can’t get to him they go for what’s closed next and that’s you and your kids. This is out of your control and him wanting a divorce is more so a defense mechanism bc he knows he’s no good for you or your children. If they ever were to corner you to send him a message I can tell you now there’s nothing he can say and or do for you or your boys..

1 reply

replying to Mammyessex

I totally agree it’s just devastating , one of our boys has severe medical problems so it makes us priority x

replying to Mammyessex

I do hope you get sorted as soon as .

I wrote earlier in the week and had right not to buy my husbands latest abstinence promise. Nearly every day at work , blames work but he’s always done this work for the last 10 years so it’s rubbish although I don’t doubt stress management is to do with it .

I recently told his parents as I’d been carrying this around alone since I found out. His mum is trying to support me and I’m forever grateful , his dad bless him is at a loss and doesn’t understand it ( generation thing I think ) .

Some days I feel switched off and exist through the day , I don’t have the energy to try and plan the future . Then some days I’m decisive and know I have to start planning more.

Some small part thinks is my actual husband going to return but reading the stories on here brings me back to reality- high chance not . I don’t ever want to look back and have my kids childhood tainted throughout because of their dads choices . He’s done that enough over last 2 years .

My OH is also approaching 40 and I never dreamt I would be having to deal with this sort of issues (drink and gambling spates with mine ) . Sending hugs to you all , I’m

Glad to see the sun today :) x

replying to Mammyessex

I feel the exact same way as you my husband is nearly 40 too , most days I’m just existing it’s exhausting it really is I hope we manage to find a way forward for our kids x

replying to Mammyessex

Hi new friends

How are you all today? It's hard for me to get on here and write as have to do it in secret.

Purpleheart - yes, unfortunately I don't think there is a high chance of his redemption. I don't mean this badly but I think the fact he has already struggled with gambling and drinking add weight to this... it shows he has an addictive personality.

My one (I don't even want to use the term partner as he is not living in any kind of partnership with me) is the same. He has had a gambling addiction decades ago, which he beat... sex addiction (IMO) that he beat, and has been a binge drinker who at one point was drinking daily and then bingeing on the weekend and now the drug addiction.... he admits he has an addictive personality. I feel as if he replaced one thing with another!

I'm really impressed that you were able to tell his parents. That's major. Does he know you've told them? Do they have any idea of how you all might help him?

My one blames everyone else for his usage. Usually it is my fault he is using. In fact apparently I'm 90% the cause of all his problems. Part of me wants to laugh as if that was the case surely he'd have had a successful life prior to me... never taken drugs before, not been a big drinker or smoker etc. He's the one who did all those things and lived, I now know, a chaotic life. Everything negative in his life is always someone else's fault.

I was living a quiet, stable, peaceful life before him... I crave that life again. I'm literally aching to have thsy life and to be able to provide it to our child. They deserve so much better.

Mammy - I agree with others, if he is now getting threats then he is in really deep. I didn't know this but a couple of years ago at the beginning of all this, my one was owing... he owed like some hundreds to different dealers and I didn't know this and gave him money for something else (a theme) and he used it to pay them off behind my back. I only found out later. He didn't get any threats, so if your husband is getting threats then I have a feeling he owes a significant amount.

You could go to the police and ask for protection for you and the children, if necessary. They can safeguard your home - I have this (more on that later) so they put a marker on the address and yoir phone number and if you call 999 it gives them all the details/makes you a priority. Also have you made your council aware?

I'm sorry to hear that your child has severe disability. That must make things a lot harder.

Me:

I am disabled due to chronic health issue so it makes it difficult to navigate some of this stuff... I feel as if it's taking all my strength not to fall apart. Not that anybody needs this type of trouble but I really didn't need this situation... life was already hard enough. It makes me so sad that I found someone who turned out to be a real wrongun.

I have told my SIL because it was pretty obvious something was up due to his choice to do it while she was in our home. It was really hard as if he finds out he would go absolutely nuts. I needed to tell her because I cannot shoulder this burden totally and especially not if I am leaving at some point.

She cannot intervene because doing so would expose that I'd told her. She really wants him to go to rehab.

His MH is appalling at the moment. I went to the doctor yesterday and the doctor is aware something is not right as he's already under him for MH issues and he could tell that it's worsened since he last spoke to him - although he knows nothing of the drugs.

I can't remember if I said but my one lost his job because of drugs. He was unable to function and be reliable... missed work one too many time and boom... job gone.

Talking about the safeguarding... he had a friendship with a guy he met who was also a user... snorting not smoking. Anyway, the guy employed him to do some work in his business, which my one did, and then the guy didn't pay him when agreed... then he withheld money (according to my one) and so they fell out. My one falls out with people in spectacular style. I mean full on beef, arguments, abusive messages etc... he's extremely volatile.

So he was leaving all these messages for the guy, accusing him of stuff and in the end the guy messaged me basically saying he had paid my one in a mixture of the money owed and in drugs and didn't owe him anymore money.

I actually believe this guy. Anyway, the guy called me on my phone and now for various reasons I have safeguarding on my home and phone because I had to report him to the police.

My one seems to either have forgotten that he was paid partly in drugs or is under some other belief about the arrangement as he is adamant he is owed more money. So he wants to pursue this to get the rest he thinks he's owed. I can only see this ending badly for him.

I was looking up free rehabs. I found a Christian one. I would love him to go. I just have no idea how I'd broach the subject. I think I could only do it if he brought it up and I was somewhere else so we were talking remotely to each other.

He reckons he is going to quit as the money has run out. The money ran out ages ago... he's been using family money to fund it. I'll believe it when I see it. Even if he temporarily stops, I feel that as soon as he has funds it will restart.

replying to Mammyessex

Hi I’m so sorry you are in this mess too my husband is just denying he’s using he’s gaslighting me saying he Left cos of me etc he has all the symptoms of a drug user how do I get him to admit it I’m exhausted off it ,

replying to Mammyessex

I don't think you can really get them to admit it unless they want to.

My one will occasionally admit it in like an addiction sense when I am not there because he starts thinking in depth about everything. He recently said he has an addiction problem so via text so I was able to screenshot it in case I need it in the future.

Otherwise, he openly is doing this in front of me so he knows I know. At the same time, he's tried to hide the financial side from me so I don't know the extent.

If you need proof for something like child residency because he's pursuing that, then you would have to go to family court and raise your concerns. They have the ability to order him to be tested.

replying to Mammyessex

I don't think you can really get them to admit it unless they want to.

My one will occasionally admit it in like an addiction sense when I am not there because he starts thinking in depth about everything. He recently said he has an addiction problem so via text so I was able to screenshot it in case I need it in the future.

Otherwise, he openly is doing this in front of me so he knows I know. At the same time, he's tried to hide the financial side from me so I don't know the extent.

If you need proof for something like child residency because he's pursuing that, then you would have to go to family court and raise your concerns. They have the ability to order him to be tested.

replying to Mammyessex

So sorry to read your posts and see how badly your partner's addiction is affecting you. It's really good that you have found this supportive forum but if you would like some more support please contact us at Icarus Trust as we are a charity that offers help to people dealing with addiction in their family. If you get in touch one of our trained Family Friends will talk with you and let you know what help they can give you.

You can contact us on contact@icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

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