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Nastiness

Are all coke addicts nasty to the core , 2 days after he got high he feels life is crap he feels crap and is being nasty , calling me up just to say I'm ugly, repeating it over and over, I'm a stupid looking cxxt , hates me , wishes I would burn in hell , basically being really horrible don't know why he just deciding that he is gonna be savage as he calls it , he told me never to call him again then called me an hour later saying he would love to punch fxxk out of me cos I annoy him so much I said what did u say n he laughed and said nothing, gave him money to get car fixed he has spent it so is obv trying to get me to fall out with him so he doesn't need to admit it when I see him this weekend, why am I even putting myself through this

replying to Unsure2021

Hi Unsure 2021,

Welcome to the Forum, it’s a great place to come and get advice and nobody judges you.

Unfortunately from my own experience with my Son, is that they are nasty to the core, especially on the come down from cocaine usually mixed with alcohol.

Always asking for money, always telling lies, it’s a never ending vicious circle and I wouldn’t wish living with an addict on my worst enemy. I’m not being harsh, but it is like living in hell.

If I was you I would run for the hills and never look back.

Take care.

Dx

replying to Unsure2021

The amount of money I've given him to help him out makes me feel stupid but he very good at the poor method and I've fell for it everytime unfortunately, and the more I have done it ,don't even get a thanks anymore and definitely don't get it back, luckily we don't live together, I feel terrible cos I feel like I'm starting to hate him considering I loved him to bits but now I just feel numb kinda ,the nastiness kills me ,calling me fat and ugly rejecting me making sick noises as if I repulse him , I keep typing out a text saying how he has destroyed me and how ita over but i can't seem to send it , talking to him about it he just mocks me x

replying to Unsure2021

I feel you. Mine is absolutely vile when off it, and paranoid and demanding when on it. When on the come down, he is aggressive and moody.

I'm so fed up with dealing with it. I feel.so sad for our child. Such a horrible way to be growing up. I can't wait to get out.

replying to Unsure2021

Dyou not wonder if they have any feelings anymore, he is like a robot ,numb it's as if nothing matters to him anymore , he told me last night he doesn't care about anyone , I've been ill past couple of days he has called asked if I'm OK told me too rest but never once offered to come by he even laughed and said if he was a good boyfriend he would offer to come take care of me but nah , kids weren't even here so he could have instead he got 7g and sat sniffing all day , it's his birthday soon and I've got lot planned but starting to think ehy should I, he can't even guve me a cuddle or drop by with some soup lol he always says you shouldn't be nice to get niceness back lol can't win really

1 reply

replying to Unsure2021

Makes sense.

I think it makes the addict really selfish as it seems to drive the ego to the forefront. Plus, addiction in general makes people selfish because life becomes all about getting their next fix (eventually) at any cost.

I'm sorry that he treating you like that and that you are sick. To be honest, due to my experience with mine, I'd be inclined to say don't make any special or extra effort for him if he is not willing to do it for you. It will just make you feel like a doormat at some point.

I remember a few years ago I made effort for mine and it was so lost and I just felt like a fool. It was his birthday, so the day before I got our baby and travelled by train to the nearest big town to buy him a birthday cake, a card and some deocrations etc. I didn't have the money for a present as he had spent the money on gear, alcohol and cigarettes.

My family were coming the next day to celebrate with him and light and share the cake. So what did he do? He went on an all night bender... they turned up the next day to him lying on the bed half off his head and half coming down... he had go put sunglasses on indoors to cope and I had to peel him off the bed and force him to sit at the table whilst they face him his presents and cards and we lit HIS cake and sang him Happy Birthday.

Since then, I've not bothered with his birthday. I don't see the point. I'll give him a card and that's about it.

The addiction destroys your relationship because it removes all connection, all intimacy and love... it becomes like being with a roommate or friend... obligation and existence, well that's my experience anyway.

Stay strong!

replying to Unsure2021

God sounds like you had an awful time , I'm already feeling like one tbh , won't be seeing him this weekend I'm still not well he says he is going to stay at home and away from everyone to stay off it but we all know that's not gonna happen , I'm just gonna try get better then enjoy weekend with my girls and not stress about what he is getting upto ,I've been getting upset about me loving him and him not loving Me and remembering how he was before he changed but its pointless getting upset now, just acceptance now ,hope you all good x

replying to Unsure2021

Have you looked into co-dependency? It seems to be a real factor for many of us whose significant others are addicts. You end up stuck in a cycle with them and they are almost addictive to us... It's taken me a long time to mentally start to break free of it.

The part you said about you loving him and him not loving you - the way I see it is they love the drugs/drink/addiction and in that sense they are incapable of loving us. They need to be able to love themselves enough to stop the addiction first before they can love anyone else.

It's just a completely toxic situation to try to be having a relationship in, in my honest opinion. This toxicity is never going to make you feel good, fulfilled, happy, stable etc.

It's really good if you can focus on your girls and yourself and turn your mind to anything other than him. Don't let him stop you from you living your life... don't him drag you down with the sinking ship. Cos that's how I feel... I refuse to be dragged down anymore and I choose to swim.

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replying to Donthaveaclue

God! This reminds me of my experience so much! My husband started taking cocaine in secret in October 2018 and over the following 10 months the situation got more and more out of hand. I could see there was something wrong but i thought it was a mixture of massive work stress, a shit couple of years (for both of us mind!) and the fact his 40th was coming up. I thought he was feeling unloved.. aww! So... bought flights, hotels and tickets for a surprise trip to holland and massive festival, which we'd wanted to go to for years. I also arranged a surprise party in a hotel with all family and friends I could get. Massive custom cake. 9 year old daughter made a second special cake. We just wanted him to feel the love!!!!

Yeah, he was okay on the day and was okay on the way to holland, but halfway through the trip the mood goes down, down and down. Rowed all the way home. Obvious why now!

After that things just continued to drop through the floor!

Christmas was terrible. Tempers, violence and then demands for my attention. Then more tempers if I wasn't loving enough. Getting the kids involved against me.

Then 2020! By June i was suicidal. Only thing keeping me going was the fear of leaving the kids with this insane, violent, vile thug.

A year after the massive birthday surprise i couldn't even bring myself to buy him a card. Looking at those ridiculous cards going on about wonderful husbands and dads frankly made me want to smash up the stand. At that point I still didn't know wtf was going on. I had assumed it was alcoholism. I never, ever thought he'd do such an appalling thing to me or the kids.

Autumn got worse. I almost kicked him out but he begged one more chance and promised a nice family xmas. It was not too angry, just cold, lonely and detatched.

New years night and he promised on his honour 2021 would be a good year. What a joke... little did i know he'd been sneaking off to the toilet all night sniffing that crap... around our kids mind! That's so damn low to me.

Anyway things carried on being empty and awkward and angry. Then bang, he got caught out and everything crashed down on us.

I had a breakdown when i found out. I'm getting a little better now, after 13 months and a lot of self reflection. I have very bad ptsd though.

He's clean, thank heavens.

I have not bought him a card since. And only one present- a necklace with an inscription.

I can't be a hypocritical idiot buying a wishy washy card that goes on about what a great husband he is. He gets it.

I will be highly unlikely to ever travel to Holland again either.

I still feel such an idiot. though it's not my fault - our brains don't work on logic though when it comes to our addict partners.

x

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replying to FaithNotFear

Reading what hell you ladies have been through is making me realise its not gonna get better and why am I even trying ,I have no attachments to him my kids are my own we have none together we down own a house together so why am I even going through this misery alongside him, your both very strong women , I'm getting to that cut off point because more I talk to others I'm realising there's nothing wrong with me it's nothing I'm doing wrong or not doing and also not everyone gets clean and tbh I can't see mine getting clean for a long time ,he doesn't hide it from me anymore it's out in the open and he doesn't seem ashamed just annoyed after he spend all his money and runs up more debts , we pull out the stops don't we shower them with everything to make them feel loved when we get nothing in return , I'm not sleeping just now I'm uo till 5am in morning today thinking of it all , its his day off today I already know his plans even tho he hasn't said x it's a shame he ruined Holland for you hope one day you might return and have happier memories

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