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Here I am again 2 years later

I used to come on here 2 years ago, talk about my husbands cocaine and alcohol problems.. now I’ve got a 1 year old, he was clean for 18 months, now he’s back to the weekly binges of cocaine, not coming home, lying … and there is a child in the mix. What a mess, I thought he’d be ok I finally relaxed, trusted him, breathed and my life was amazing for a small period of time … now his mental health is terrible again, he’s using drugs and his prioritises are all wrong. Having the strength to leave him when we’ve got a child together is so hard I feel so guilty but I know this will go on forever I’m so sick of it I deserve more than this. No question really just venting, was hoping I’d never have to post on here again

1 reply

replying to georgia26

Hi Georgia,

I'm so sorry you are back, I've been in a similar boat myself with my husband, thankfully he's now over 2 years clean from alcohol and Coke, but he's stopped before for months and started again.

My life now is so different to before, don't get me wrong, I still avoid social events because I worry about alcohol being around, I think I have PTSD because of it, my anxiety is through the roof sometimes for no good reason really, something silly will trigger me off thinking hes back using, and I can't think of anything else.

I'm assuming you are in your 20's, I know you have a baby, but if I had my time again, I would not have put up with it for as long as I did. It destroys you as a person, i'm not me anymore. I dont do what I want anymore, because all I do is worry that if I'm not around for a night or 2 he'll relapse.

Don't get me wrong, life is good now, really good. But years and years of it being crap will take its toll on you mentally, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I'm not about to tell you what to do, because I didnt listen to my friends! But I should have, you only have one life, and why should you be living like this because someone isn't strong enough to sort out his priorities. And its not even about that, its about the person they become, liars, cheats, rude. You staying awake waiting for him to come home, but he doesnt, you are putting your life on hold while he does what he wants.

You wont be able to fix him, I know that now. It took my husband 20 years to have a lightbulb moment and stop (hopefully forever!) physically he had damage inside his nose, mentally he was a mess. He can see what its doing to other people now he's not living it...

I hope you are ok, sending love x

replying to Ash2013

Thanks for replying to me that’s really kind. I am 29 now, this has been a problem since we got together, then clean for 18 months now since November it’s on and off again.

You know absolutely everything you’ve explained how you felt and what you used to do was me and is me now, I’m a nervous wreck, I dread weddings, any social event as I know all his friends are Coke heads.. he is 37. I really thought he was over it but I’ve watched him deteriorate mentally and I knew this was coming, I’ve always known.. it’s like I have ptsd too, clock watching, worrying, analysing him, testing him for drugs, checking his car … all the while I am meant to be enjoying life, enjoying our child. I’m not me anymore I hate the person I have become because of this, he says I’m on his case and I don’t stop being negative about him but all he does is think about himself, he rarely spends any time with us, he is the victim.

I kicked him out last week after not coming home again, he’s not back and I’m so upset and do not know what to do. Deep down I know he will never ever change but it’s so sad as he’s perfect apart from his addictions. I just hope I’m strong enough to move on and go and get what I deserve.

I’m glad your husband is clean… but like you say, you still have anxiety and it’s in your subconscious mind isn’t it. I cannot stand it, I wish I could just enjoy myself at events and not dread any sort of fun because I’m worrying about him relapsing.

He lies so much… I’ve never realised how much until now. He says he can’t believe how selfish he is etc etc but it’s nothing I’ve not heard before. I’m bored of it to be honest.

Sending you so much love. I would not wish this on my worst enemy either and do you know what - I don’t even tell anyone about it because they don’t understand, so I’m glad I’m back on here too, as you all understand xxx

replying to georgia26

Hi Georgia,

Reading your reply just brought it all back to me, I'm so sad that anyone has to go through the rollercoaster of life that is with a coke addict.

Everything from the clock watching, checking his car, looking in his pockets, testing him in secret, sitting up until god know what time waiting for him to come home, getting texts at 1am saying 'I'm getting a taxi now' never to turn up at home, then when they do come home you're over reacting every time you make any reference to their absence, tip toeing around them when they're sleeping most of the day, basically being a single parent but this pain thrown at you all the time, its such an awful existence.

My child aged 2, saw her dad throwing things around the house because he was convinced I was cheating, but in fact he was, with someone who did coke and accepted it, unlike me. He was obsessed, it was like he did actually believe his messed up thought process. It wasnt even like deflection, he actually thought it, and I would never have cheated, christ, I didnt have the energy and it was the last thing from my mind.

I'm not going to tell you to end it, but if I had my time again, I'd wouldn't have stuck around. You only get one life darling, and YOU deserve to live it, and not just exist.

Take care of yourself xx

replying to georgia26

Hi Georgia,

Sorry that you've had to come back to the forum as things aren't good for you again. I'm glad that you find the forum good to vent because people understand what you're going through. If you would like any more support please contact us at Icarus Trust as we are a charity that offers help to people going through what you are, having to cope with addiction in the family.

We have people who are trained and experienced that you could talk with if you get in touch.

You can contact us at contact@icarustrust.org

All the best.

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