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Worried that I'm losing my partner

My partner and I have been together for 2 and a half years now. In that time, he has never stopped being loving, kind, passionate, intelligent, and all around sweet. He's also, in that time, taken drugs on a purely social basis - mostly ketamine, sometimes coke. When I say social, it really was the occasional dedicated night, other people around, etc. I wasn't a fan of the coke, but I could happily love with the rest on the occasional basis. Before I met him, he had been addicted to crystal meth, but was clean for a few months.

This year has been a different story, though. He wasn't in the next place in January, and I thought it was post holiday blues, less daylight and so on. February, though... We're in an open relationship (has worked for us so far) and one night he went out and when he eventually got home, he had been sexually assaulted. Coerced into taking meth, and then into sex on tape while not in a place to give meaningful consent. I know how it sounds, but with the exception of one relapse since then (and the relapse was buying more than taking, I helped him get rid of it), it hasn't been a factor since.

But everything else has gone up instead. Ketamine, sleeping pills, and cocaine - that's basically where all his money goes, and more. He's racked up debt, and when that's not enough he asks me. I've always said "yeah, you can pay me back", but it's become clear that he won't pay me back. He remembers, but he's got so much else to pay back, and the first thing he thinks about at pay day is more ket, more diazepam. In the past two months I've watched him descend from these drugs as occasional and social to on his own, and increasingly frequent. I've watched helplessly as he turned the house upside down looking for either another hit or some cash to buy one. When I'd had no money left myself, he spent the night asking me again and again if I wasn't sure I had more. He'd bring up instances where I'd fallen short in being his partner, then ask again if I really hadn't anything more to 'loan' him.

There are some positives. It's still early on in the process, and I haven't lost him yet. He's still fine most of the time. He had signed up for counseling, so he recognizes there's a problem. Albeit that was more to do with meth and alcohol, and to a lesser extent cocaine, and he doesn't seem to realize the impact of the ket use and the sleeping pills. But I'm watching this descent in real time, and I don't know how to help him stop it. I feel helpless. His family doesn't know and most of his friends aren't aware of how bad it is. I'm hoping that going through how much he spent on drugs last month, and now having missed two days at work this month, that he can realize how much of a problem it is, but I worry he'll find a way to rationalize it away. And I'll be back to feeling helpless, alone, and constantly on the verge of tears.

How do I approach this before rock bottom shatters us both?

replying to MikeD80

I don't think you really can do anything beyond doing what you are already doing, offering support/to be there if they seek help.

The best thing you can do is work on yourself, protect yourself and your finances etc., while waiting to see if they seek help.

Missing work, racking up debt and asking to 'borrow' money are all bad signs in my opinion. The blaming you - bringing up times you'd fallen short as a partner- in order to create a reason/excuse to use and to try to get money by creating guilt is another manipulative tactic you will see partners of addicts (and parents of addicts) mentioning on here. My addict partner has even admitted to causing/creating arguments/strife between us so he can use it as an excuse to get drugs so he can make himself feel better... he will also threaten to get drugs if I don't behave how he wants - which doesn't work now as I'm at the stage where I don't care if he uses. I want him to stop but I'm not the cause so if he uses or not is his decision/responsibility and nothing to do with me.

Mine also does the turning the house upside down thing... for a long time I did not have permission to clean the house or touch anything because I might disturb, hoover up or accidentally throw away some crumbs he'd dropped or forgotten about.

I'm stuck because we have a child together and I'm currently waiting to get rehoused. If I didn't have a child with him then I would have been long gone and just supporting him from the sidelines.

Life is short and addiction seems to be super complex - so no matter if the addict wants to quit, it doesn't always work that simply. That's why you see people doing rehab more than once.

replying to MikeD80

Thank you - and I'm sorry to hear in turn what you're going through. Although it hurt a bit to read, but that's because I recognize a couple of things in there that I didn't mention myself. Starting strife or stress as a pretext to "de-stress" - he hasn't copped to it but I suspect that's exactly what happened last night.

Cleaning the house - yep, I got told off for wiping down the dinner table when his parents were coming over for Easter. Cause there was ket on it that could've been swept up into another line. Another thing that got brought up directly before "are you sure you don't have any more money you could transfer me?".

He insists it's not bad and has been worse. I've no doubt it's been worse, but it doesn't mean it's not bad now. He's promised that we'll have a full and frank conversation about his use, but he keeps putting it off "until tomorrow". I don't know how many more tomorrows I can hold out for.

1 reply

replying to MikeD80

The guilt manipulation is the worst because everyone else can see it apart from you.

Mine says all the things I want to hear, we'll get a house together, I want to marry you have kids etc but it's all just lies and I fall for them each time.

I was ill last week with a bad infection and he just rang gave me abuse because I had no money for him

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replying to Shell98

I'm sort of lucky in that the manipulation, or attempt at manipulation, was fairly clumsy. So I could easily recognize it, even if I may still have given him money.

I did raise it with him, too. Not that he thinks he was being actively manipulative.

Regardless, we had a long talk last night about his abuse, how it's impacting both of us. He said he would at least cut down. Was I a bit silly to believe him? Turns out he was almost immediately on to trying to find another dealer.

He said he might be visiting a friend this weekend who's going through suicidal thoughts. But according to a mutual friend, no such plans. I'm shocked how quickly it's gone from downplaying to active deception. And now I'm having to brace myself for the probability he's been lying to me for a lot longer.

replying to MikeD80

It gets worse but we stay

I've just been called everything been told it was my fault the business ended I wasn't the one snorting the profits or staying in bed

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replying to MikeD80

I have found myself finding this site,because only after a few Months relationship I'm left with nothing...because it's all my wages gone on his cocaine addiction.

All.his wages went in the first 5days of being paid,borrowed from everyone...

replying to MikeD80

I'm sorry things have taken such a turn for the worse. It does seem to happen like that and it is so unpredictable.

I think you are right to be cautiously aware that the deception might have been going on for quite some time.

Mine is the same with it having been worse or minimising it a bit... and there's me thinking... well, regardless it is still unbearable now!

replying to SUNFLOWER2020

I'm sorry... I go through this monthly. I'm in over 7K debt and at least 5K is cos of his drug usage.

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replying to MikeD80

It's like a living nightmare so glad I found you all! I know I'm not alone, and not the mug everyone else is thinking. Thank you all x

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