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9 replies

Student accommodation

Hello everyone, I would really welcome your opinions regarding the awful situation I appear to be in.

My student daughter is in halls at the moment and has chosen to make friends with others that use drugs regularly and may even supply. She has told me they have found a house to share. I have said that I would not allow her to do this. I have no family support regarding this situation. If I allow her this freedom of choice then I could never forgive myself. Also, I would be so worried for her safety, However, if I choose not to let her live with those students she has threatened to hate me for it. My daughter has admitted to use cannabis but nothing else. I have even spoken to my doctor for her support. She has said that I should not put my daughter in a situation which would most certainly not be a good choice. Thank you for reading my post.

1 reply

replying to Countrypumpkin

If your daughter is over 18, I'm not sure how much say you have in preventing it. Unless you are the one paying for it.

Hopefully your daughter can appreciate your concerns and that you are coming from a good place rather than trying to be controlling.

replying to Donthaveaclue

Good morning, thanks for your reply. I have spoken to her and she doesn’t accept that I would be acting in her best interests. Our relationship is not in a good place. Yes, I would be paying towards the accommodation. She started using Cannabis last Sumner and I noticed a change in her attitudes and personality. Thank you again for your support. Is is very much appreciated.

replying to Countrypumpkin

Do you know what kind of drugs the others are using?

I understand where you are coming from. At that age people are quite impressionable and vulnerable to peer pressure. I wasn't but a lot of my friends were. I would suggest that you do what you can to work on your relationship as a whole and try to do anything to boost her confidence etc... so she is better able to advocate for herself and not submit to peer pressure should she continue to associate with these people at university and possibly end up living with them.

replying to Countrypumpkin

Hello again, the house she wanted to share is no longer available. She really despises me for my decision. She has said really nasty and abusive things and has also hit me on many occasions. I think her Cannabis use has increased. As far as I know, the others used Cocaine, and other hard drugs. The whole drugs and living arrangements have ruin our relationship.

replying to Countrypumpkin

I'm so sorry.

All drugs are scary but cocaine is seen as so socially acceptable now, it is really disturbing as it's so addictive. It is also terribly easy to get hold of.

There are many other parents experiencing the same issues so I am sure you can get some good advice on here.

Anyway, she has absolutely no right to hit you. I'm not sure if you are male or female. If you are female, Women's Aid forum has a section for women suffering from familial abuse. You could go on there for advise or contact their helpline. Otherwise, you could always contact the police and ask to chat to their domestic abuse team informally. What she is doing is considered domestic abuse/violence.

replying to Countrypumpkin

Hello, I have contacted the police once and they told me if I could make a statement they would take some action. I didn’t do this as I thought it might make things worse. I really don’t know if she has emotional issues that she is struggling with or the Cannabis use has made her depressed and violent. Thank you again for getting back to me. I am female and 61. The thought of being hit at my age is awful,

replying to Countrypumpkin

Regardless of why she is doing it, it's wrong and she's an adult who needs to take responsibility for her actions.

My addict partner is abusive and I've had enough of it too. As far as I'm concerned, regardless of why he is abusive or why he does drugs, most people do not go round treating others like this. It's unacceptable. He has to take action to admit what he does that's wrong and the problem/s he has and take actual steps to deal with it. To that end, I'm waiting to be rehoused as I can no longer live with him.

I think you have done well to draw a clear line and boundary of what you are not prepared to do or accept. At least you are not enabling her.

Does she live with you in the holidays? If she is going to be abusive towards you then you are perfectly within your rights to not allow her to live with you and the same goes for if she were to use drugs in your property.

If she is willing to accept what she's doing that's wrong and take steps to deal with these issues then that's something you could at least work with. It doesn't sound as if she is willing to do that at this point in time. Blaming you for not enabling her is quite a classic behaviour that I've experienced and seen others reference on here. It's always everyone else's fault except the addicts when they are in active addiction and struggling etc.

replying to Countrypumpkin

Good morning, so sorry to hear about your problems. Your advice really makes sense and you sound a very responsible person. I need to be strong in this situation and, as you say, not accept her aggressive behaviour. Under no circumstances is it acceptable. I have thought about my situation a lot over the last few days and had time to reflect on what has been happening. Although keeping busy takes your mind off things, it doesn’t solve any problems. I now realise that I cannot solve these problems and cannot accept her behaviour. I love her dearly but sometimes love is not enough. I tried to put her aggression down to the Cannabis smoking. I have known of people who do smoke and it does not appear to interfere with their lives. Whatever her reasons for her behaviour and attitude towards me it absolutely not acceptable anymore. I hope you can move forward with your life and find happiness again. Thank you so very much for your support and positive advice.

replying to Countrypumpkin

You're welcome, stay in touch and let me know how you get on.

I hope that while your decision may cause acute distress and difficulty in the relationship with your daughter in the short term, that ultimately it will allow you to return to some form of normality in your life, and, most importantly, to feel safe in your own home.

You might find it helpful to seek out some counselling or call one of the helplines for some support as you go through this next period. It's a lot to process. I think once I'm out of here I will definitely need to seek some external help with processing what's been going on/happened to me.

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