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Spouse of an addict

We’ve been married for 15 years, it’s been a whirlwind of a marriage and we are recently separated. I can not decide if I can take this on any longer, just being separated is such a relief, but we have kids and I can’t make a decision if my life depended on it. Just thought it would be nice to speak with the others who know the struggles.

1 reply

replying to kstar25

Hey Kstar

I share a child with my partner who is an addict. We are currently in the process of separating as I need to live separately and to feel safe and peaceful. Our child really needs this. So I'm just waiting to be rehoused.

2 replies

replying to kstar25

Sorry to hear you’re both going through this. I’m the same, I asked my addict husband to move out (again) last week. I can’t keep going through this cycle. It’s so unhealthy and unsafe for our daughter. I’m devastated but I really do feel a lot stronger to keep to my word this time. I need to move on with my life instead of always putting him first.

1 reply

replying to Dazzle

Hey Dazzle

Oh, I'm sorry that you are going through this too.

It's an exhausting cycle. I don't think anyone, including the addict, understands or takes into account how utterly soul destroying and destructive it is... continually getting your hopes up and trying to help them and it failing and then them using again and repeat etc.

I'm glad to hear how much better people feel for having separated and living separately as, to some extent, I'm pinning my hopes on this being the case for me and our child. The idea of being able to wake up and not tread on eggshells, of being financially separate and eventually debt free and secure, of being able to live in a smoke and drink free home... sounds like heaven and it's what's keeping me going.

1 reply

replying to Donthaveaclue

Hey Donthaveaclue,

That sounds amazing! Fingers crossed it happens soon for you so you can get your own space for freedom and piece of mind. How does your partner feel about you leaving?

It’s a week since I asked my husband to leave but he works away most of the time anyway so I think he’s just telling himself that he’ll work away for a few weeks until I calm down so he can move home again. Of course he’s been so lovely all week too and has contacted clinics to get help but he always does this and I believe he’s doing to get help and I allow him to come home so I can support him but things just return to normal very soon after.

I can’t keep doing it, I’m beyond exhausted. I still love him so much and wish he would get better but I need to be realistic and I need to put our baby and me first. Sadly drink and drugs come first for him.

Addiction is just so heartbreaking, I wish there was a easy solution!

replying to Dazzle

So he asked me to leave last summer but because I need to be rehoused by social housing it's not something that instantly happens so im still there... and during that time his addiction has got worse as has his mental health.

Most of the time he wants me to be gone but then sometimes he admits he will miss me, be lonely, miss our child, struggle to cope etc. He's very co-dependent and yet also quite abusive.

Mine has tried to stop multiple times, although always by himself. Of course it's always failed. He will do and say whatever he feels will placate me and get me on side only to not be able to keep it up and revert back at some point.

So like you... I'm not buying it anymore. My tank is empty. I just can't keep doing it.

2 replies

replying to kstar25

Hello , this is me too . I thought we turned a corner 10 days ago allowed him back home to support I actually felt a glimmer of hope for the first time in ages as this time he sounded different . He had a short break away Came back and within 24 hours he’s used again this all unfolded last night , won’t get professional help and we are getting into financial difficulties because of his wreckless behaviour.

I’m going to break my kids hearts as it’s been bad enough for them whilst he’s been out of the home recently due to his use . But I cannot continue… like DHAC said my tanks empty, I’m exhausted all the time I need peace in my life . But I now need to figure where to start unravelling from this life . Your not alone KStar. It’s awful but I’m so glad there’s others that understand so well on here . Dazzle you sound like a mirrored story to me too - it’s so hard isn’t it . I feel like Ive dropped off a ledge this morning but I’ll get stronger again though as the hours go by and be able to start making decisions .that are best for me and my boys xx

replying to Purpleheart

Oh Purple, I'm so sorry. It is so heartbreaking. Also, figuring the practicalities out is difficult, especially when you feel low and so exhausted. Just take your time as much as you can.

So I've returned after my time away and... he's only gone and got one and is currently using plus smoking/drinking. I'm really, really upset by it. I don't want to live around that or in this environment but I'm stuck here in limbo.

Like you, I had this glimmer of hope when I left as he seemed genuinely remorseful especially about the impact of his actions on others and wanting to quit etc. While I was away, I thought he was not using and that he'd agreed to stop. Now I think he was using bits he found that he'd forgotten about or on a come down that I, thankfully, wasn't witnessing.

When I came back, I could tell he wasn't right by his facial expression and his general appearance/demeanour. He was quickly reactive and abusive towards me despite me not having actually done anything of note. I could tell by looking in the fridge and freezer how much he'd eaten and what he had eaten. It told me a lot about where he is at... also the house was turned upside down in some areas and generally very untidy and needed cleaning.

I'm literally looking at him feeling completely opposing emotions. On the one hand, I'm angry and incredulous and on the other hand, I'm so sad to see him in the grips of such a severe addiction that his life is currently completely ruled by it. He cannot seem to quit... how sad is that?!

This is my child's father and he's destroying not just his life but ours as well.

Anyway, like you... I'm just trying to focus on other things... practical things and anything to help our child cope.

replying to Purpleheart

It’s so hard because it feels like we are abandoning someone, but started counseling and she reminded me that it isn’t my job to take care of him, and that I’m addicted to the chaos myself… I have been separated for some time now and have so much peace knowing where every dollar goes, not having to deal with his lies anymore, not obsessed with moments I can look through his phone ( so embarrassing), etc. He is not a bad guy by any means, but due to his use he has not grown mentally like I have, and it makes my life with him so difficult. It feels like I am talking to a child all the time. He believes his happiness is my job, but I know better. This disease sucks, but I know there are plenty of good days ahead of me! Thank you all for your kind words, wish I would have talked about this in the midst of deep pain, now I just feel immense relieve and sadness for the loss of our relationship all at the same time.

replying to Donthaveaclue

Honestly for me separating has been the best decision for me and our 2 girls. I have a peace of mind each day knowing that I am a strong women and I can do this. I hope you have a support system; family, friends too. I am really learning a lot about myself through this and I envision my future with a lot more happy days! I care for him I really do, but it’s time for me to put myself first and set a good example for my kids.

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