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Being honest, I'm worried about relapsing

Woke up to the news today that my nan had passed away.

We have always been close, to an extent she practically raised me as I'm a twin and I often went to stay with her and my grandad to help my parents out over school holidays etc.

I lost both my parents other the last few years. My mum is 2018 and my dad in 2019. That's when my addiction really took grip. I've told my story on here before but, cocaine was always a fun weekend thing but when mum died I was distraught but found the second I sniffed a line, all my emotion was blocked out and I was able to function. Ultimately all it did was cause me a world full of pain and problems and put off me having to deal with greiving. A year later dad died but I was at time time already using daily, again, I didn't greive, I couldn't I had to hold it together and work to pay my bills but eventually I hit rock bottom and started recovery.

It would have been my mum's birthday tomorrow and things haven't been good with my ex partner who hasn't let me see my daughter for the last few weeks (due to an argument caused by me expressing my frustration on the lack of time i get with her anyway. She's making a point that I should be grateful for any time given I was an addict and lied to her for so many years about it) but now my nan has gone that's it. I have no family left at all. Mums gone dad's gone, both sets of grandparents it's just me and my 2 brothers and I'm really finding it hard to deal with.

I've suffered and lost so much but I've never dealt with it, just masked it with cocaine and I really don't know how much more I can take.

By no means am I saying I'm going to go get some or anything but I'm saying I'm aware that I'm really struggling and I don't know the limitations of my sobriety yet as I've not had to deal with anything as big as this whilst recovering.

I guess I'm just being honest and hoping if i don't keep it bottled up I won't snap and make that stupid split second decision to get on it

replying to Jamesb

Hi Jamesb, I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I knew the right thing to say to you. I really admire you for the way you have fought your battle with addiction.

My son is 29, in recovery, 11 months. I know how hard this is for you both. My son told me it was always his "go to" when situations were difficult for him.

He still has moments when he's struggling, but thankfully he has made some good friends in the CA fellowship and his sponsor is a great support. We're here for him too, but the fellowship guys know what to say and do due to their experiences. I always seem to say the wrong thing and he gets upset with me for not "getting him"

I do hope you can speak to someone close James, or even a bereavement counselling service.

You've been through so much lad, please stay strong and keep in touch here. Danman83 is a good support and also in recovery.

Sending much love ❤️

Lx

replying to Jamesb

James , sorry for the loss of your nan, she sounds like a beautiful loving lady keep hold tight of though cherished memories .

Stay strong and keep faith in yourself , take it hour by hour and know that you are not alone . Sending strength and hugs. Your nan, mum and dad are with you every step of the way in your heart forever. You can do this :) x

replying to Jamesb

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds so difficult as you gave so much bottled up and no outlet.

Have you sought talking therapies or been to any CA meetings? Perhaps reaching out in-person might help give you the space to sit with and process some of your feelings rather than potentially seek to numb and bury them.

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