: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

7 replies

Cocaine addiction is ruining my life

I started taking cocaine at a pretty young age, probably around 16 - 17.

At first it was just a party drug, I would never take it unless I was actually going out, wether it be to a party or to town etc.

It was never really a problem back then, but fast forward 10 years and I'm now 28 years old, taking cocaine on an almost daily basis.

I lie to everybody around me, including myself. Sometimes when I'm on my way to get coke I try to stop myself but the cravings always win, its like there are 2 of me, One who wants to do whats right and one who is fully consumed by the drug, my addiction always manages to find an excuse that convinces me its acceptable or that I have A valid reason to use.

Last night was the tipping point, I had what I beleive was a minor heart attack, I have experienced palpatations from cocaine more times than I care to remember. This was something else entirely, the worst thing was I was sat on my own in my living room, girlfriend in bed upstairs none the wiser, and my addiction almost didnt let me ask for help for fear of being discovered.

After half an hour of absolute terror, convinced I was about to meet my end, experiencing multiple symptoms of a heart attack (old sweats, shallow breathing, light headed, pain in chest and shoulder) I found the courage to wake her, I have never felt so worthless in all my life, seeing the look of pure fear on her face and knowing it was self inflicted will stay with me for a long time.

The ambulance arrived not long after and the paramedics ran an ECG. They where satisfied I was no longer having any form of heart attack but asked me to go to AE to have my bloods done as my results where showing some form of irregularity, they said it was possible I had experienced a minor attack but I would need to go to AE to find out, but as it was no longer an emergency situation they said it was my decision.

I didn't go to AE as it was 4am and I had work at 8, they made me sign some sort of waiver to say I was refusing to go and then they left.

I thought that would be the end of my addiction, surely it should of been, but here I am, the very next night, powder on table.

If that wasnt enough to stop me what is it going to take ?

replying to Hopelesscharlie

Hi mate...

Ask yaself this....

Do you wana loose your misses.

Do you wana loose your job.

Do you wana loose your mates.

Do you wana have to tell ya mum or dad you have a prob and by that time are starting to loose all above.

Do you want to steal from your folks.

Do you want to wake up I'll most mornings.

Do you want to have to go to addiction clinics for help.

And yes , do you want to top yourself , cause sounds like you come close bro....

Please put that shit down mate. It really is not worth it. And plus , now a days it's propa Shit mate. It's mixed with God knows what..

Leave that shit in the dealers pocket and spend ya money on ya girl mate.. treat her like your queen mate..

Good luck fella..

P....

replying to Hopelesscharlie

Hiya mate. I'm 5 month clean from cocaine now. Your story is same to mine. Going out and using. 10 years later addict using on your own.

My best advice and what has worked for me is 1st off be honest with your partner tell her what you are doing if she doesn't know. Otherwise it's gonna be lie after lie. Which is not good in recovery. Then get your arse to a cocaine anonymous meeting and get a sponsor work the 12 steps and be honest. Change your life around cut people off, get a new sim card. Come off all social media. I would never of got this far clean without ca. Plus u can't drink ever again aswell. No. Drugs what so ever.

I promise you hand on heart you will get better if u join. You make loads of clean friends and will get the help you need. Download zoom and go on ca website and you can do zoom meetings aswell. Do them every day.

Don't be put off by ca regarding god and that. It's not all about god.

And to be honest I get on my knees day and night and pray to God.

And it keeps me clean. It's better than putting that crap in to.

Just get it sorted today mate. Ignore your head saying don't bother ect... Your addict brain is so clever it does not want you to get better. It wants you to all its self.

You got this mate. Just believe in yourself

1 reply

replying to Hopelesscharlie

Hi all, I'm very new to this platform, I've searched for some support

Reading your post @hopelesscharlie

Resonated with me, as if this were my boyfriend speaking those words - what I expect him to be thinking...

We've been friends for 9 years, and a year into a relationship.

My fiancé passed away 3 years ago with the cause of death being- cocaine toxicity..I had 2 children aged 5 and 11 from previous relationship who we raised together, and I was 5 months pregnant when he passed away suddenly from a heart attack..in a house party with friends we had been engaged just 3 weeks also...

My life ripped upside down inside out, I had no clue he was taking drugs, very clever hiding his other life..alcohol I knew was a problem but felt with my support he was working through it.

My daughter is 4 now, she just knows her dad had a bad heart..and had to be an angel..

Now..my current partner *which took all my strength and faith to have a relationship again* trusted him more than anyone else..has been the perfect partner and dad to children..raising the 4 year old.. and thinks of him as her father.. he had a family loss last year which he has struggled with greatly, but I've been giving him time love and support through it, he abuses alcohol history of cocaine many years ago.. now the last 3 months the patterns have appeared that I missed with late partner,

I cannot believe I'm now in the same situation, as partner I just want honesty, trust and respect, which I'm sure your girl wants too, basic human elements of a relationship, I can't dictate I know how you feel with this addiction, however this one is going to cost you greatly,

Speak to her, write a letter first if need be, to get what you want to offload to her, tell her you love and respect her and that you have to be honest, advise if you are willing to accept and receive help and support from various sources, create that tight circle of people for support.

Stick to that net of people until your strength is up again,

My partner is still out from the weekend from popping home briefly, thankfully my children none the wiser of the great concern, washing work trousers "baggies" found, which I recognise why and what they are, evidence of a big alcohol binge in a bag, and how his behaviour and words have been towards me.

I'm willing to support and guide him if he will accept the help and be honest, if he doesn't want any of this or won't, I will have to walk away not only for my sake but my children, we have already been through enough.

I feel I must attract people with additions low self esteem, not just partners but friends, it's very draining, I'm losing myself, don't feel very happy anymore, paranoid with the lies said to me, self critical, alone and worthless...this is how my addict partner is making me feel, when I know the truth..he just hasn't told me..

I really wish you the best of luck, you've got everything to lose by not accepting and confronting, everything to gain by just being honest

Stay safe x

replying to Hopelesscharlie

Hiya it’s truly the devils drug my husband has lost ever at 40 years old , he left me and our 2 boys after 24 years , he’s lost all his work his money and still can’t accept he’s an addict the fact you are on here says you are ready for help , reach out to your dr support groups etc before you loose everything

replying to Concernedpartner

Your story is horrific I can’t believe you lost your partner then you trusted someone else and history is repeating itself 😞 it is so sad that people are Judy throwing there lives away for some powder I’ve lost everything through it and I’ll never get over it x

2 replies

replying to Hopelesscharlie

@mammyessex - you truly can't make it up can you, they say in life if you have not completed one life lesson, it will continue to repeat until its resolved and you've learnt from it, I believe this to be true.

I still grieve from the loss, I have complex ptsd, which stems from my first ever relationship, this happening aswell contributed to it, now I'm going through more again,

I did have a chat last night with him, ultimatums had to be said and made, offers of help and support have been accepted, gp appointment this week which I will attend to support him,

I can't get my head around how powerful this powder is, it's like a walking apocalypse in honesty, destroys and ends all that is good,

The only way is to accept the help advice and support, focus on "your reasons why" in life to pull you through

Awful what you have been through, so sorry!!

replying to Concernedpartner

I really hope this is the turning point for you you don’t deserve to have to go through this again x

replying to Hopelesscharlie

hiya,

just popped by to say that my husband had several similar episodes when in active addiction... he thought he was having a stroke... like you he was on his own downstairs while the kids and i were asleep... unfortunately he didn't have the courage to call out for help, even though he thought he was going to die right there in his room. when i found that out i was utterly horrified. i could have come down and found him dead, or worse - so could the kids. but still he couldn't stop!

I'm traumatised beyond belief by this image.

anyway, once i knew the situation after he got caught i did a lot of reading and found out that on some occasions the use of stimulants can cause a thing called overamping... basically the poor body just gives up the goat temporarily... it can happen with excess amounts, or if you haven't had much that day but have been hitting it hard previously, also when your general care has gone downhill... ie lack of sleep, decent food, dehydration and overuse of other drugs/alcohol too.

overamping does pass but it definitely is a clear warning from the body that it is suffering.

i wont repeat all the other persons comments other than to say, well done for acknowledging the problem and the need to change.

it can be done if you want it badly enough and you can repair the damage with your girlfriend.

good luck on your journey

replying to Concernedpartner

i too am shocked and saddened by your story, what on earth can your new partner be thinking of to have headed down that road after the hell you've already been through!

since my husband got caught im astonished about how common cocaine usage is. i must have been so naive before, but it seems to be absolutely everywhere. i feel like screaming Its Not Normal... but it seems I'm in the minority ... maybe i am the boring one huh!?

i admire your strength in setting out some boundaries, i hope you can find the inner strength to survive this latest round of horror.

thank you for sharing your story x

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