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How to go south.

Found the love of my life. We started dating in 2012 and in 2017 got engaged. We traveled. Had adventures. Worked and played hard. He was wonderful, amazing, and everything I ever wanted in a man. I loved him with every fiber of my being. He loved me just as much.


He was a travel worker. Made a great deal of

money, and was not too far from our home. We lived in a small coastal community. (I have good job too).

Every weekend, he would come home. He was a great guy, fun to be around and always happy. Since it was a small community, he (and I) met lots of people. You could always find a plethora of people at the local bars.

I am extremely athletic and love doing anything outdoors. Love challenging myself against nature. Go to gym just about every day. He was right there with me, then things started to change.

Covid came around. My job required long hours and weekends. Was not a big deal, at first.

Little by little, all his time off was spent in the bars. He worked hard, he deserved to relax, have fun, and unwind. Like I said, many people to hang around.

I was always invited, but spending ten hours a day in a bar every weekend was not exactly my idea of fun. I found a balance for both him and my active lifestyle.

Right after Christmas of 2021, he and a bunch of his friends decided to make it a white Christmas. Was kind of surprised….my definition of cocaine is “sucking on the devils dick”. I thought both were on the same page about drugs that were easily addictive.

Once again, he worked out of town during the week. The weekends then became a 48 hour stint of alcohol and coke.

We had conversations about it many times. Was hard to talk about with him because I was quickly becoming the down time. He was convinced he did not have a problem.

He was injured in April of 2021. He ended up out of work for a few months, which turned out to be extremely bad. Started in on pain pills, then marijuana. The partying started to last 7 days a week.

I was coming home dog ass tired and drained….while he is starting his second wind for the day. extremely frustrating.

It was strained but I was convinced we could work though all of it. A temporary state of being….so I hoped.

After three months at home, he was finally given the okay to go back to work. Tried to get a little bit of normalcy back.

Had many talks about finding balance for his life with me. Seriously thought we had a break-through and we would work to make “us” happen for the greater good.

I was wrong. His personality around me began to change. He would be angry, depressed, vocal and condescending. Then bounce back to being kind, sweet and sensitive.

His moods confused me. I was always on pins and needles not knowing what to expect.

Then, he started all the hard-core signs of addiction. The stalking of phone/friends/driveway in anticipation of the score. Sometimes would be paranoid and delusional. Would stay out until the wee hours, come home and not sleep. Sex and intimacy were gone.

The day after mood was horrible. He would wake up late in the afternoon and drive back to work. Or so I thought. (????)

This was a horribly confusing time for me because of how great we once were. Was at a loss for what to do.

Didn’t have to wait long, because he dumped me on my ass. Hard. Kicker was, he came in a 2am one night. Tried to get him to snuggle with me. He told me to go back to sleep. When we got up the next day, I gave him crap for it. And that was the straw that broke the camels back. “The” fight happened. He told me it was over.

I ended up packing up and having to move all my stuff by myself whenever and wherever I could manage it. Nothing like crying eyes out and having to shack back up with my mom and dad.

Told myself it was for the best. What else could I do?

Well, I went to hell in a hand-basket. Never been so hurt or heartbroken in my life. I loved this guy. It was not like someone left me, it was like someone died.

I did all the things I was supposed to do. Reconnected with people, exercised, traveled, tried new things and meditated. Took me six months to not be crippled by the loss of “us”.

Right after Christmas of 2022, he started gently reaching back out to me. Over texts, he sounded like the man I knew before. Won’t lie, I was thrilled, but tried not to make too much of it. Just missed him so much.

Would I have gone back to him? Probably. Maybe. I don’t know. I did hook back up with him in February 2022 for a couple of weekends. Was an amazing time. Glad I did it.

Because he died. Cocaine overdose.

Got the call. Have to admit the call was not a total shock. What did surprise me, was learning that he had been hooked up with one of his “friends” after the leg injury at work. The “friend” was someone he had been sleeping with and supporting financially. Not to even mention her habits. Nothing more personal than sharing a straw with someone.

So, once again going through the grieving process. Trying to convince myself that I deserve an honest relationship.

One more thing, he has a child. Still talk

to this child every day.

replying to Mengdie

Hi mengdie, I'm truly sorry 😞 actually heartbreaking reading your story, relating to so many things throughout the different paragraphs and then the death bit,oh my god I absolutely feel for you because you still loved him but Don't feel guilty in anyway because you tried to help him.i often say to my husband you will od and die from it( he's reaction, oh well) how selfish I say when you have 4 grown up boys, and they will have to Bury you knowing you did this to yourself. Selfish thats why they are addicts, and obviously it's not called the devil's drug for nothing. Sending you lots of love xxx

replying to Mengdie

Thanks for the kind words. Fortunately, I do not feel guilt. Probably every other emotion other than that!

That “oh well” sounds familiar. Just can’t stop that train.

Love back at you!!!

replying to Mengdie

Very sorry for your loss the addiction doesn’t just effect them it poisons every one around them too and it has devastating effects 😞 they make a deal with the devil and just don’t care after that x

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