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Unhappy

Hi all

I found out my husband was taking drugs and it broke my heart. I asked him previously many years ago and he denied it. When I exploded one evening that I new what he was doing and how hurt I felt.

I can’t live like this I don’t think he knows how bad he is how this effects his health? His temper,his anger the things he says. I’ve been reading the forum for the passed couple of weeks hoping that he had stopped trying to understand how we go through this with someone we love. he said there were not drugs in the house that he loved me I was his life just to find that white stuff on my units. It’s killing me I love him so much but can’t live like this knowing he is still doing it. Well it came to a row again today and I told him he said there were no drugs and there has been he said where? all over the units!!!

I’m devastated I don’t know who he is anymore. He said again I’m his life. I said I love you but this has to stop I’m going to try again but am I being naive?

How do you block out what they have done? How do you Turn a new page? How do you cope?

1 reply

replying to Navy

Hello,

Sorry to hear you are going through this but it sounds like your husband is in denial about what he’s doing which is often what they do to minimise It, like it’s not a problem and they are in control of it but they’re not.

It takes a lot of patience to block out what they’re doing and how they treat you. Mine promised to stop numerous times but could never quite stop for good, he ended up blaming me for the drugs he’s took, as if he needed a reason to use.

It’s made me really ill all the lying, the deceit, the manipulation the anger/mood swings… the list goes on.

If you are wanting to stick it out, I would seek some help for yourself such as counselling or find something that makes you happy, as it really does start to take an emotional toll on you.

If your husband isn’t ready to admit or take responsibility for his actions, make sure you continue to look after yourself, stay strong xx

replying to Navy

Hi Rae2022

Thank you for your reply

I think I’m naive in thinking he is going to stop. Yes he blames me for being unhappy I need to be happy and give him Unconditional love that is what he said to me

I want to believe him.

He went out last night and I really don’t know if he did it. he got up with a bad chest!

I went shopping leaving him to relax.

I got home to find it on the sofa. I’m thinking did I not clean the sofa! I’m blaming myself that this was from previous use not today. I think I’m trying to block it out.

I go to the gym twice a week which is good for me. I work full time too.

I’m going to try again and see how it goes.

Did you end up leaving your husband?

I hope you are stronger and keeping well now. I’m not sure how strong Iam but I will try.

Thank you so much

Take care x

replying to Rae2022

Hi Rae2022

Hope you are doing ok and staying strong.

I’m in turmoil again, I’m sure he used drugs yesterday to get though a stressful day as when I got home from work he had a headache and needed to go to bed, I ended up eating alone again and Iam sure there were traces of white powder that had been wiped down. I think he is now cleaning up after himself but he will slip up if I’m right. ( I want to be wrong) He went to bed (separate) room.

I got up the following morning and went to the gym early, he text me to say he has anxiety just before I finished, I text back that I won’t be long as we were going to go out. I got home and he said he hadnt shower but there was no rush was there. I knew then we wouldn’t be going anywhere. I showered and he asked me if we could have a chilled day. I said I would do the Cleaning and washing then as it’s a beautiful day. He slept on and off all day.…. It was coming up to lunch time and I made food, he ate it and then asked me to watch tv which I did and he slept most of the way through it so I didn’t see the point, I went to the kitchen and done the ironing, he was back & fo grazing on food (this is the come down I think) later in the afternoon, I tried again to sit and watch tv but he kept falling asleep, I had to go out on an errand and he went and made sandwiches for himself and ate them I said I was about to do an early dinner. He said on your way back you can pick up takeaway I said there is nothing around open.

I made him food when I got in he ate all of it, I cleaned up and went into living room to watch tv but he started to get agitated and said a few hurtful things, he lays down on the sofa to watch tv, so he is now complaint that he can’t breath through his nose it’s blocking up he is embarrassed to be sniffing he is also falling asleep again whilst we are trying to watch tv.

I may as well be in another room!!!!!!! He has gone to bed In a huff. Want the hell is all that about. And I forgot to put the quilt back which he complained about. Aaarrrggghhh

I’ve lost it, I’m angry I’ve done everything today.

Do addicts have problems with their nose? He uses a neti he says for sinuses and hay fever which I think is BS he uses it too many times. He also takes a lot of pain killers he goes through paracetamol like smarties. This is where the headache comes from I think….

I wonder what tomorrow will bring. Iam hoping for a good day, I don think we will be going out tho, I reckon he will be ill? It’s going to be my fault, I didn’t listen when he said about not being able to breath which meant when he went to bed he couldn’t sleep for anxiety !!!!!

Sorry for rambling, xx

1 reply

replying to Navy

It does sound like my experience of someone on a coke come down.

The main things I recognised are:

The moodiness

Wanting to sleep all day and wanting to just lie around watching TV

The eating masses of food/grazing

Nose issues

I have spent most of the time since I had a child doing everything because my addict is either high or on a come down. He very rarely goes anywhere with us or does anything with us. If we are 'lucky' he might watch TV with us.

It's a very lonely and isolating experience. I'm like a single mum most of the time.

1 reply

replying to Navy

Hi Navy I hope you are okay.

I'm sorry you are going through this but I really respect that you express that you still love him etc.

I was the addict in my story so I'm able to kind of give the other side of the coin advice.

No one ever decides one day to become and addict. No one ever sets out to hurt their loved ones and when your husband tells you he loves you and you are his world I don't doubt for a second that it's the truth.

I loved my partner with every once of my being through my darkest days of addiction. Despite all the lies I told to her the things I did I honestly loved her as much as I ever did. It's hard to understand for some people how addiction takes control of a person, you say and do things that in a sober state you would never dream of and you do them without a seconds thought. It really is like the addiction is in the driving seat. your body has been hijacked and you are not in control.

It's important to understand that addiction is an illness. Alot of people in your position would take the view that an addict just doesn't care about them because why would they lie and continue to take drugs but if it was that simple then addiction wouldn't be a thing in this world. Some people get angry and see it as the addict being selfish. Thinking that they know how much it effects their financial position, their family life, work life but still as long as they get their fix that's all they care about.

I'll tell you, I spent hours off my face, in tears longing for a way to break free. A way to be the man I once was and the man my partner deserved but somehow I would still the very next day get on it again.

There is almost always a deep routed reason why someone turns to a substance in the first place.

I don't mean just recreational every now and then with friends at the pub. That doesn't need any more reason than it's fun because honestly at the beginning it is the best thing in the world.

But to take it over that line where its using alone at home, using when you know you shouldn't be. There is something that the cocaine or drugs is being used to help with. At the end of the day it's a drug no different in many ways to a drug you would be prescribed.

For me cocaine made me emotionless. It blocked out the ability for me to feel emotions and when I lost my mum at the age of 27, and I was self employed and needed to literally just go back to work the next day, I started to use cocaine because I found myself breaking down at work unable to get anything done due to my greif. As soon as I took cocaine I was able to carry on as if nothing had every happend.

That took my use from every know and then with friends at the pub to every day.

Within a year of her passing my dad did and of course I already was using daily so I just cracked on as if I was okay. Deep down I was broken both emotionally and financially. My partner knew and just looked at it as disrespect to her. Thought it was me just wanting to take drugs to be a "lad" thought it was me being a low life. But as long as the bills where paid she was happy to a degree. That in turn led to a life of constant arguements and carrying already so much hurt I couldn't stop using cocaine because if I did even for a few days the reality of life would hit so hard I wouldn't be able to function.

I guess what I'm saying is, talk to him, but more importantly listen. Offer him understanding. And I hope that the man you love will come back to you.

On the flip side however. If he is not willing to change and despite your support gets further and further into addiction l. At some point you have to draw a line to safe guard yourself but please know this.

If someone has mental health issues. You don't kick them to the curb. If someone has depression or anxiety or a ln eating disorder you don't kick them to the curb so please don't treat someone struggling with addiction that way.

Love is the cure for addiction.

Stay strong

James x

replying to Donthaveaclue

Thank you for responding and letting me know that you have the same experience as me.

We had a good day yesterday we did get out and friends joined us for lunch we had a lovely meal and drink and was home by 7pm.

Today he is suffering ,he says he didn’t sleep last night and is tired today. He is sniffly and is experiencing chest pains so going to use a Neti as can’t breath and taking paracetamol and going for a sleep he said he is not leaving me all day on my own.

I’m not sure if he used last night as I’m trying so much not to watch and judge but with the way he is feeling today I think he is struggling.

I hope your doing ok it’s such a shame that you feel like a single mum your child must see it too.

Look after yourself too

Thinking of you and thank you xx

replying to Jamesb

Hi jamesb

Thank you so much for your reply

I’ve read and re-read your post to understand how he is feeling.

I’m trying

However I wanted to talk about his addiction but he has told me he is not using. He did and has always used (recreational)since I met him. which to me is saying he has lied to me all my life. He said I need to love him unconditionally and get past that he used cocaine. As I’ve asked previously especially when my cousin died from taking drugs and drowned in a river and wasn’t found for 6 weeks!!

I think this is why I hurt so much.

He also has mental illness and was diagnosed this when I was with him as he had bouts of anxiety but I’m thinking again was it really because of his mental health or is his mental illness because of the use of drugs!!

I wish he would talk to me about it but he shuts me out. He is upstairs now as can’t sit in living room & watch tv with me as he sniffly and needs to talk through the programme so he now has anxiety. I need to watch tv without distraction but I will try again for him. As you can see I do love him but if I find that he has been using again I will have to leave as it’s effecting my health.

Thank you for your support and helping me to understand that addiction is an illness but can only be helped if they want it.

Thank you for sharing your story xx

replying to Navy

Hi Jamesb

I have a few questions if you don’t mind. You don’t have to answer-:

You said you loved your partner but the drug over takes you.

Do you remember what you say when you hurt?

When your not taking the drug do you feel on your own or want to be on your own?

Do you have withdrawals such as anxiety? Snuffy nose? Eating crap food? Tired and need to sleep?

How long is it until the drug overtakes you to take again?

Have you managed to kick the addiction or get help to get you through it. Hope you are now stronger.

Take care x

1 reply

replying to Navy

I have a cocaine addiction and had two wonderful living girlfriends who I hid this from throughout my using . I lost both and lost all friends from it . The more you lose the less likely you are to stay sober because you dwell on the things you could of had so what's the point anymore . For anyone who has something good in there life work at you addiction then . Get them involved if you think they can cope with it . Don't lose everything. That's where I am . I'm on day 4 of sobriety and it's emotional and demoralising as I have no future in sight but it's the only way I will get anywhere so I have to go through this pain . I wish I had a partner to help but I only have my mum and she's been hurt so bad by me it rots me inside . Please talk to people before it's out of anyone elses hands xx

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