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replying to Pambler

I wish you all the best. Well done for admitting and getting help, this must be the hardest thing to do.

I wish my husband would admit it or even talk to me about it. I’m still hoping I’m wrong but today has been hard he has slept all day and grazed when he awake, then blames me for that he uncomfortable sitting with me to watch tv (which he is asleep anyway).

Take it day by day don’t look into the future. I’m sure as the days turn into weeks and into months you will start to feel better. I’m glad you have your mum support. More support is out there keep it up and post on here how well you are doing and the days you feel like your struggling as I’m sure we are all here to support you too. Keep it up, stay strong xx

replying to Navy

Hi all

I need to write down how I’m feeling. I’m struggling. I’m angry, I’m upset.

I’m hurting so badly I don’t know what to do. My husband is still on cocaine (years) I don’t know what to do. He has mental health issues too for years and lost his dad a couple of months ago so I’ve been treading carefully and trying to understand his feelings. I’ve found the white stuff on the units and bathroom again!!!!

I know he is still using he was so angry with me today and I needed help he has gone into another room left me on my own. I know he is feeling like this from using and I want to tell him that I know he is using but I’m scared if I confront him what he will do. He is so angry he says he needs someone to love him he will never ever ask for help. I tried to get him to sit and talk to me.

It’s tearing me apart I’m so upset he’s not the husband I once knew. He would have been so caring, loving and would do anything for me.

He says everyone always wants something from him gets all the shit in work

I know he is grieving after his dad but he needs to talk not use cocaine. I never thought he would be like this as the relationship wasn’t close. Perhaps he feels guilty and wished he had been closer!!

What do I need to do? Do I need to be strong and tell him that I know he is still using and tell him I’m going to leave if he doesn’t get help and point him in the direction of CA and the 12 steps, and I need proof that he is taking these steps.

I feel sick. Thank you for listening to me x

replying to Navy

It’s awful isn’t it my husband will not admit he’s an addict yet takes cocaine all night long and sleeps all day . He says he’s not my husband and can do what he wants . I find him on dating sites sex sites and messaging other women .

I’m working two jobs because he won’t work yet he tells me to get out the house by next week . I’m depressed I’m lonely and I’ve had enough . My self esteem is in my boots I feel humiliated that everyone around knows he’s messaging all these girls and him telling everyone he’s single . It’s awful and I genuinely have thought of ending my life because I just want it all to stop

1 reply

replying to Navy

It’s awful isn’t it my husband will not admit he’s an addict yet takes cocaine all night long and sleeps all day . He says he’s not my husband and can do what he wants . I find him on dating sites sex sites and messaging other women .

I’m working two jobs because he won’t work yet he tells me to get out the house by next week . I’m depressed I’m lonely and I’ve had enough . My self esteem is in my boots I feel humiliated that everyone around knows he’s messaging all these girls and him telling everyone he’s single . It’s awful and I genuinely have thought of ending my life because I just want it all to stop

3 replies

replying to Navy

Hi Navy, I'm so sorry I just realised reading through the thread that you asked me some questions a while back but I must have missed the post so I never got back to you.

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time, no one deserves this and I know my first initial response to you was mainly giving you information to try better understand what your husband is dealing with with his addiction but it in no way excuses any partner treating their other in a bad way.

To reply to your current situation, him bring angry at you all the time and going in other rooms etc.

You to him (well his addiction) right now are literally an obstacle, you're in the way. Imagine he has a little voice in his head that is the addiction. That voice doesn't like you. It tells him to avoid you because he cant use Infront of you. You want him to stop you are not okay with it. That voice (the addiction) in order to survive needs him to believe that h using cocaine isn't the problem, everything and everyone else is the problem. I know this because I used to do the exact same thing.

He will snap and tell you he needs someone to love him but in reality giving him affection and love right now will be near impossible because all he wants to do is be alone with his little voice and get on it. Even though deep down the real him knows that you aren't the problem and that he is the one in the wrong his addiction wires his brain to genuinely believe that you are bad.

This isn't just you though, like you said he thinks everyone wants setting from him and he gets all the shit from work. This is because as an addict he will always play the victim, that's a coping mechanism to bridge the 2 parts of him the decent part or the guy he was and the addicted side. Without that, when he wakes up the next day and he is back to feeling himself, he would be overridden with guilt for all the bad things he says and does due to his addiction so the outcome is that he feels a victim, he tells himself he's the good guy and everyone wants from him. He tells himself the greif of losing his dad is why he gets on it. ( I did the exact same for years when losing my parents but the truth is after a while I want greiving, I was just an addict).

The bottom line is right now he is in full frontal denial.

Now the advice I would give is this...

Out right confrontation may be a bad idea because he may become angry ect and blame you. But you need to make him aware you know and that you will not tolerate this forever.

If you have a place you can stay, a friend or family's place.

Write him a letter. Write it in a way that tells him that you know everything he is doing. Tell him how it makes you feel. Tell him that you miss the old him that you so very loved and tell him that you want that man back or you will have to leave.

Give him the option, if he works through it and gets back to the man he was and is clean you will love and support him but if he doesn't then you have no intention of staying with the man he becomes.

Go stay with a friend and have no contact for a few days (tell him in the letter when you will be back)

Let him sit and really think to himself what he wants and I hope that this will open his eyes to just how bad it has gotten.

If however he chooses to blame you and continue acting the way he is then as hard as it is you need to protect your happiness and move on with your own life. You don't deserve to live in misery or fear.

I hope that makes sense and I know that you must feel so alone right now but all of us on here are always going to be here for support.

Stay strong and I hope you're okay

James x

replying to Themidgetgem

Hi there

How do you know he is doing this everyday? Do you find the powder or is it tat he sleeps the following day with grazing whilst awake.

You must be heart broken too.

Why are you still with him if you know about the cheating? I don’t know if my husband as ever cheated on me I know he flirted once I front of me many years ago!!

You really need to look after yourself and have support around you. Your life is important and people love you. Please never let yourself get to the point of ending your life because of a man. My best friend did this she hang her self and left two beautiful children behind I still don’t know why she didn’t reach out for help. I hate him fir what he did. I know don’t have a best friend.

I’m sending you all

My love and thinking of you be strong and take care xx

replying to Jamesb

Hi James

Thank you

Your words made me cry so much. But it all reads so true. I really don’t know if he realises what he is doing to me.

Thank you for your advice I need to be strong and word a letter the right way so he understands how much I love him but I can’t live like this. He had lost another friend . I’m not sure why. He now doesn’t have any close friends. He doesn’t go anywhere.

He wants to be on his own today so I’m down My parents and taking my dad out for lunch. I’ve said about us going for a walk later but he said no he will see me tomorrow?!

I’m hoping to have the courage to write this letter to him this week and I will stay in a hotel as I don’t want my parents to worry about me.

Thank you for your support, help and guidance in this horrible journey that I’m going through.

Thank you so much xx

1 reply

replying to Navy

He sleeps all day he lies , he hasn’t cheated that I know of but he nearly slept with our neighbour but she changed her mind last minute . I’ve found him on dating sites and found messages on his phone . He says he’s single so technically he can do what he wants . I know he takes it everyday he’s always on his phone he lies. I just want him to leave the family home and sort himself out xx

replying to Themidgetgem

Hi themidgetgem

Your basically living on your own. If he wants to be single and act that way he does, he should move out. He stays because you provide him shelter & food.

Do you give him money?

Where does he get his money from to buy drugs?

Can you leave and get somewhere else to live?

I know it shouldn’t be you to leave.

Do you have children? It’s hard when you have children. I’m lucky there I don’t have children.

I have to be strong and think of myself, and do what James advise me to do. As this is making me Ill and I hate lying to the people I love who care and just want me to be happy and are concerned about me.

Im sitting here in spare room again on my own, thinking about the letter I need to write.

Take care and stay strong

Xxx

1 reply

replying to Navy

I dont him money I just pay the bills and food and support the young adult kids we have . He gets carers for looking after his dad not that he does as he dosent leave the house . He won’t leave he just causes a scene . I’ve got to the point I just live my life and he exists . As long as my kids are okay I really don’t care anymore what he does .

I’ve come to the strength that he’s the weak one he’s the addict not me and I am a strong independent woman with a good career and money .

Thank you for your support xxx

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