: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

6 replies

Cocaine using Wife

So on Saturday everything changed.

1pm before my partner was going on a day out with her son who is 15, I saw her doing coke in her office with the door closed 3ft from her son.

We are a blended family of 4 years and she’s had a tough time with her own father and ex husband who is an an alcoholic, cocaine user. The behaviour of the father has made the children very vulnerable and with behaviour and anxiety problems. I have 2 she’s has 2 children and we have lived in a Lovely house for 18 months now.

When we first me 4 years ago I caught her doing a livener just weeks after he son had caught the dad doing coke. This affected him greatly. The dad is now not around.

Last year I found a rolled up £50 cue a big argument. Boxing Day I caught her doing a line before we were going to play Board games and again last month I found coke in her office.

I swabbed the house last month found it in a number of places and she promised she’s deleted all the dealers numbers. On Saturday she was doing it on an iPad. So I’d never know if I swabbed surfaces again.

She claims that’s the only time she’s done it. But Saturday was different it was 1pm.

We have had loads of problems with her daughters schooling and behaviour over the last 9 months which I think has sent her over the edge.

Doing coke is not acceptable though. Now i don’t know if she’s been a user for the whole time we’ve been together.

I confronted her. Now she refuses to talk to me and doesn’t admit she has a problem, says it’s normal, acceptable .

Her behaviours are exactly how the poster described. Exactly.

She has a high flying job but rarely gets out of bed before 11am. Always chasing around to catch up time. She’s bi polar, always angry with something, no interests apart from trash tv. Petty in her insults. She get a abusive both verbally and physically. Controlling

I’m ever Hopeful she will wake up one day and be back to her best.

I’m Heart broken today. Even worse I’m in Europe away from the famiky.

Suddenly her problems have smacked me in the face. Clear as day. I don’t know what to do.

We have so much to lose.

replying to Lawn01

Hey I am sorry that you are in this position. It is truly heartbreaking. There's absolutely nothing you can do to bring your wife to her senses, except do not tolerate this for one moment more, set boundaries and stick to them. Few of us do this. It's hard, but it's the only way if there's to be any hope at all. Look after yourself, look after the children, hers as well as yours if you can. Ask her to get treatment and hope that she does. She's got to admit there's a problem before anything else can be done. It takes a lot to do that and it's a hill to climb. It sounds like she's got a lot of stuff to work through. Wishing you all the best of luck.

replying to Lawn01

Lawn01 just wondering how your getting on . I’ve been going through this with my husband for the last year . I can relate to most things your saying in your post too . It’s horrendous .

replying to Lawn01

So she is refusing to say she has a problem and actually said you can’t tell me what to do.

Another complete visit polar weekend of letting the smallest thing get on top of her.

Over reaction.

I’ve started walking away.

When it’s hot peaceful later, I ask her why she brought up them things and she says there you go you are bringing up the past.

My dad says leave.

But I’m holding on. Do t know whether it’s the coke or that she is going through menopause as well.

It’s hard as well as as soon as she’s irrational you think she’s been on it.

Friday night she made something out of nothing, was very critical and rude.

I asked her if she had done coke and she flipped out. Saying that I’d isn’t trust her.

it’s confusing!!

replying to Lawn01

Hi I can 100% relate to what you are going through. I too have a blended family and have been married for 2 years, together for 4+ years and have a husband who is taking coke behind my back although I always seem to find out and have confronted him a number of times and firstly he lies through his teeth and then finally admits it but won't admit he has a problem at all even though it all points to addiction and like you I am devastated and don't know what to do. I have bought test strips from amazon and you can test the urine if the loo is not flushed and even this weekend I had a positive result and confronted him only for it to be thrown back in my face that I am wrong and the test must be wrong then last night he asked for a pot so that I could test him but miraculously the test strip disappeared so this morning he was up early and didn't flush but unbeknown to him I had more tests downstairs and yet again it was positive. He is unbelievably nasty to me when taking it or perhaps on a come down I don't know which. I love him so much but hate him at the same time and am gradually withdrawing from him as I don't want my life to be like this. Sending you hugs and support - this website has helped me so much x

replying to Lawn01

Sorry to hear that Debbie. It’s the lies

Loosing the trust.

She majorly flipped out this morning. I kept calm. She went back to bed

When she woke up at 11:00 I told her she can’t talk to me like that.

Again putting the blame on me about bringing up the past. Telling me to leave it instead toxic arguing.

She can’t remember what she said.

It’s breaking my heart. From being so strong mentally over the last 4 years lost my divorce I’m starting to feel broken.

Her insults are so personal. Blowing everything out of preportion.

replying to Lawn01

I agree it's the lies and how easily they come out of his mouth when I actually know the truth. Then there is the absolutely awful tirade of insults and I'm sitting there listening to them as he won't let me say my piece and even if I do manage to get a word in they are not listened too and god forbid I say or do anything wrong it is repeatedly bought up and how everything is twisted around to be my fault even though he started it by taking coke or causing the argument. I think that while he is on it, the come down and then the craving are all just as bad. He stopped taking it for 7 weeks and I had my old husband back. This was after we had our last separation because I found out he had taken it and he wouldn't talk and he left but in the end it was my fault!! And now yet another promise broken this week I found out yet again that he had taken it. I am slowly starting to think that I can't carry on with this yo yo nasty life anymore. We are going on our honeymoon in 2 weeks and I'm pretty sure that it will be lovely as there is no way he will be able to get drugs where we are going and then when we get back and when another episode happens I am going to rethink my whole life. I like you have been a mentally strong person but I am beginning to lose all that and am so stressed because of everything. My kids hate him as they see how he is treating me which is very sad as they used to love him. He says when he takes it he isn't harming anyone but is blind to see how he behaves. I wish I could record him and play it back when he is sober. I think he would be totally shocked. He comes from a good family and has a responsible job but weirdly his brother is also an ex coke addict and alcoholic and now divorced and living with his mum. Its awful how we have to be so suspicious and test and swab. I just want a normal life with a loving husband who isn't broke all the time. Like you I don't know how long he has been taking it but I think for the whole of the 4 years we have been together as I found it a few times before we married. I wish sometimes that we had never married as it would be so much easier to just walk away if or when I have too. Also like your wife he never admits to having a problem and won't talk about it. I just wish I knew the whole truth as it would make things a lot easier instead of trying to second guess all the time and also like your wife he is so angry at me for trying to stop him from taking it and says I am controlling and he is not my prisoner. I believe they have to hit rock bottom which is what I thought had happened last time before they can admit to having a problem. I have attended several cocaineanonymous meetings online and it is ok to attend if it is an open meeting and it has helped to see things from an addicts point of view and they are all very helpful and friendly. I think it is incredibly hard for an addict to just stop on their own although on another thread on here there is one lovely lady whose husband has stopped on his own. its a nasty evil drug that hijacks their brain and consumes their lives and lives of their partners and families. Never in a million years did I think I would be in this situation especially in my 50's. I look at friends in second marriages and partnerships and I envy how their life is so normal and happy. Sorry for rambling on and I really hope things get better for you x

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