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So hard to leave

You know since I met my husband he’s been Using on and off never an everyday cocaine user and the hard thing is, he goes months without using and then his mental health deteriorates and he binges… I know a relapse is coming before he even does, I know the patterns, the signs. He had never admitted up until now that he was an addict just a ‘drug user’ but he finally admitted this week he’s an addict and went to his first CA meeting yesterday morning after not coming home for 6 days and binging on cocaine whilst I’m at home with our 2 year old.

He said the meeting was negative and that he thinks mixes with other addicts would influence him, he then came in last night and had done cocaine again.. fair enough he did admit it and come home but it’s not the point.

I’m just at my wits end, he’s so perfect for months… the perfect man, but this won’t ever go away and I think I either need to accept this is a thing or move on without him, which devastates me.

Now my sons at an age where he notices his dads not here in the morning / evenings when he’s out binging it’s hard to deal with now, I can’t put him through it.

No point in this post really just wanted to vent as no one understands the pain of loving an addict.

People who know my husband have said stick by him, he’s a good man etc but it’s so hard to love an addict I feel exhausted

1 reply

replying to georgia26

Hi mate, I hope you're okay.

Please don't feel like anything you post on here is pointless. Even just typing it in can help sometimes like you say it's venting.

This is an interesting one because of the fact you said he goes months without it and is his normal loveable self for a long time then he snaps back into using or bingeing I think you said.

Through what I've learnt from therapy and my own recovery (this is something a few people may disagree with because it didn't make sense to me at first either) is that he isn't so much addicted to the substance ie the coke but he is addicted to what ever benifits he gets from doing it. They may be that getting on it for him relieves stress, or takes him away from reality or what ever it may be.

I say this because I don't think there are many people out there who are addicts who actually enjoy being am addict and infact most of not all of us would say we prefer life when we are sober. Of course though people do relapse so for me to say that cocaine doesn't have the power to draw someone back into using even when they have stopped for a while would be ludicrous.

You said there are patterns too before he actually reverts to it. What kind of things would they be?

Id hazard a guess that your husband has something else going on and the cocaine is his way of dealing with it. If it was a straight forward weekend user who got out of hand then it wouldn't be as common to have the long periods off it then to return, especially if he has a loving partner and child.

I personally started getting bad when my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was obviously sad all the time and was breaking down in tears at work. Being self employed I had to find a way to just carry on and unfortunately my solution was to just sniff coke all day and mask my emotions so I could carry on as normal. But then she passed and I carried on, then my dad passed and I kept going and you get the picture until I lost everything.

So get to the point, try and talk to him. Don't make the topic directly his addiction because he will be carrying alot of guilt about it but make it more broad as to why does he think he gets on it? Ask things like does he know himself when the next binge is coming and if he was able to talk to you about it before it happend would it be easier to avoid?

I know he said he didn't enjoy CA and that's his choice to make but maybe try another class or even ask him to come on here and I will speak to him.

I thought CA was going to be full of addicts too but infact it was full of all sorts of people. Some people there have been sober for 10 + years but still spend their free time to go and sit and listen to others who need help. I remember the first time I went the man who was speaking pulled up in a fancy mercedes, was dressed in a suit and looked very successful which he now was but when he told his story I realized he had done things even I wouldn't of comprehend but it just shows that there is always a way out and a better life for people who are willing to try.

I really do hope that all made some sense and I really hope you're okay.

There was plenty of wives on here that I'm sure will get back to you soon also who are really supportive so please know you're not alone.

Stay strong

James x

1 reply

replying to georgia26

Hi Georgia, sorry to hear that you are in this situation. Hi James - I’ve read a lot of your posts and you always have great advice!

I’ve never posted before either but just wanted to say I’m in a similar situation and it’s so hard as no one (apart from people on here) understands what it’s like! Long story short but I found out my bf had a coke problem after 6 months together - he swore he’d sort it and said it had only been going on for a few months - I end up getting pregnant as things all going great and it then becomes obvious it’s not sorted, all the usual signs - he went to NA and actually ended up meeting people who he then started taking more drugs with (not NA’s fault but it will only work if you want it to) - culminating in finding out he was smoking heroin in the house when our baby was 7 weeks old (in bed in spare room). He was out every night claiming to be at NA but actually sitting in peoples cars smoking drugs whilst I was at home with the baby. Threw him out and turns out he’s had lifelong drug problem but no one thought to mention it - he was subsequently sectioned as he then started smoking loads of crack and lost the plot but then seemed to really sort himself out - I thought that was going to be the turning point as he got prescribed new meds which really seemed to make a difference and we started living together again. Like you we have months and months where things are great, perfect, he’s the best dad and spends his days doing jobs round the house - then out of nowhere we’re back to square one with the lies and money being spent, moodiness etc - he’s lied to me all day today about where he’s been, I don’t know what’s he’s up to but as other people have said on other threads your instincts normally turn out to be right … I’m on the verge of calling it a day as can’t deal with this all over again but it’s so hard when there’s kids involved and you know they have it in them to be so amazing sometimes - so totally get where you’re coming from… x

replying to georgia26

Sorry, realised I went on a big rant about me! But hope knowing you are not alone helps in some way! X

replying to Jamesb

Hi mate

Thanks for replying!

I think he uses when his mental health deteriorates or he gets stressed, he’s never been a daily user. But he’ll go off on 5 day binges every month, sometimes more when things are tough.

When I met him he was going through a lot with his ex wife and fighting to see his children - he also had adhd and I think maybe other mental health problems: he’s so so good for a while then it all goes down the pan. He had addiction counselling for a couple of years which did help him then gave it up.

So I know when he’s going to relapse before he does - his behaviour changes he goes distant I can sense his mental health gets worse, he starts lying it’s hard to explain but I know the patterns now.

He said to me when things get hard he gets it in his head and he wants to use, he’s been almost sectioned in the past when he’s been on a come down, horrendous honestly. After the 6 day binge last week he came back and he had drug induced psychosis, he’s still being paranoid now… asking to look at my phone constantly saying I’ve met someone else it’s so draining.

His problem is that he can’t stay away from the people who walk him into this. I just feel like this will be my life forever unless I walk away now, which is really hard because I do love him.

He’s saying to me he’s going to have addiction counselling again but he said that I’m controlling, I don’t let him be himself - he seems to be really horrible for weeks after he binges, is this normal?

Drugs are just evil aren’t they…

But yeah you’re right in saying he’s masking a problem I think he uses to escape his mental health, but it’s temporary and actually it makes it 100x worse and I’m on the receiving end trying to pick up the pieces x

1 reply

replying to fayzey

I’m sorry you’re going through the same, I’m a nervous wreck I question absolutely everything, I clock watch, my fight or flight is constant it’s ruined me…. It makes me seem controlling to him but he’s the reason I am this way, it’s so horrible I have no advice for you I wish I did, I don’t think many addicts change it’s a pattern and I think it’s something we have to accept and work with them on or leave. It just is impossible to love an addict I’m finding it so hard especially with a toddler as well x

replying to georgia26

Yes it’s so hard when you can’t rely on them as even when things are good I’m worrying about the next time…. Does he take any medication for his ADHD? Even though my bf seems to be relapsing now I do think the new meds he got put on in hospital made a real difference and maybe he’ll be able to pull himself back before things get too bad (fingers crossed). I think quite a few people with addictions have underlying mental health issues that aren’t diagnosed or not on the correct meds. He slept in the conservatory as he’s annoyed I caught him out lying about where he was - it’s draining as I feel like I’m in detective mode now trying to piece together what’s happening.

How’s things with you today? Does your husband normally have a big binge then back on the straight and narrow? Do you have anyone else to help you? Toddlers are hard at the best of times lol let alone with all this to deal with. X

1 reply

replying to georgia26

Firstly I am so sorry that you are in this situation with a young child and I might as well have written your post except that I don't have kids with him and we are in are 50's - I met him 4 years ago and have been married for 2. I found out that he had taken coke not too long after I met him and was really surprised and shocked to find 2 wraps (I think they are called) hidden in his cupboard which bought up red flags for me. I have since found out quite a few times when he has taken it and the last time we split up about 7 weeks ago and he said he had hit rock bottom but even when we had split for 2 weeks he still took it with his son whose 21 and his son's friends when they were playing poker at his mums house. Shocking for his poor mum as she already has another divorced son living with her who is an ex addict and alcoholic. It would kill her if she found out about my husband too. I since found out that 2 weeks ago he bumped into someone (presumably a dealer) at a pub and said he was given 2 lines but didn't buy any but I guess that it triggered a craving as this weekend he was so awful to me that I secretly tested his urine and it came back positive. He denied it said the test was faulty and got so angry with me. I really don't want this stress in my life and am slowly checking out even though I love him very much and like you I feel exhausted x

1 reply

replying to georgia26

Hiya gerorgia hope your OK, I'm 6 month clean now from coke. The best clean time I've got in 12 year of using. I joined cocaine anonymous and do the meetings and it's the beta thing I ever did.

Your partner saying mixing with other addicts would influence is rubbish really, because he's getting influenced anyway with out them, as he is still using. The other addicts are what he needs for support and to ring each day. This is major in keeping clean in talking to other addicts who can support you. Regarding it was negative, it's not all sunshine and roses, so he should know its about feeling the power and pain from the shares and what's its like if we relapse ect.. The pain we caused to family ect.. And it reminds us what is waiting for us if we use again.

I just think he needs to keep trying and not give up, and ignore what his head is telling him negative.

6 days away also on coke while u and his daughter are at home, ain't good at all. And other than C. A there is just rehab left.

It's OK for people to say stick with him, but they are not in your position, if you do stay with him, make sure he puts the effort in, give him set rules, no staying out ect.. No drinking, and my opinion is to go meetings and get a sponsor and work the 12 steps.

Hand on heart he will keep relapsing if he does not work a programme or rehab.

He needs to cut everyone off, maybe change his number, and the main thing is he really needs to want it. Hope this helps.

1 reply

replying to Danman83

Hi Dan it’s amazing news that you’ve been clean 6 months now. I used to chat to you a couple of years back - and here I am still here, still fighting it’s draining me.

He says he’s going to CA and addiction counselling…

I’ve said he needs to change his number, because he gets idiots msging and calling all the time. I’m so fed up, but you give me hope I’m so happy for you mate, has your girlfriend stuck by you? How did she cope?

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