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My cocaine addict partner

Where do u start . I have been with my partner for 8 years . A few months into the relationship I found out he used cocaine now and then apparently?! All he used to go on about is that he wanted us to have a baby together and that he had never loved anyone like he loved me . I fell for him and went on to become pregnant (our son is now 6) . Over the years his cocaine habit has grew into a massive problem and he has also gained a alcohol problem! . I have always felt like a single parent to our son as he has never been a decent father to him . He has tried to fool me that he hasn’t been taking it when he was ! His lies are awful and he comes and goes as he pleases ,sometimes we don’t hear nothing from him for days . This resulted me in numerous occasions contacting local hospitals etc as he just wouldn’t answer his phone or contact me ! I’ve found him messaging other women , sending dirty pictures to women and even trying it on with my friends !! He says it’s the coke that makes him behave in this way and it totally breaks my heart . He has admitted on several occasions that he has a drink and cocaine addiction and has stated to get help ,but he always seems to quit . He has lied , stole off me alsorts but yet why can I not give up on him ? I’m so unhappy I just want a normal family life . We both work and it’s always me what has to pay for all the bills as he spends his wages on his drink and drugs . I have recently gave him an ultimatum that he gets help or it’s over ...he agreed and it’s been 3 days and he still hasn’t rang and made the first move in getting an appointment with the recovery place and keeps fobbing me off saying he hadn’t had time !! I cry most days and I cannot keep feeling like this . Part of me wants to help him and part of me wants me to get rid but every time I get rid he cry’s on me and begs and begs for me to take him back . Please help I’m literally lost in my next move I’m so unhappy

replying to Sprocket

Also I’m so paranoid wondering if he is coming home from work ?will he be on coke ? Has he had a drink ? Will he eat his tea ? I look at his eyes and body language his breathing everything ! If he is on his phone a lot I presume he is tx another woman ! I just want all these paranoid things to go but I know it’s because I have zero trust for him anymore . Is anyone else out there going through a similar situation?

replying to Sprocket

Sorry to hear this, it sounds like you've had an awful time of it. I'm not in the same situation but can relate in small ways as my mum has had addiction problems with alcohol and prescription meds. Also an ex used to smoke weed and had anger issues. But in my experience these people don't change unless they decide it's something they want and they don't consider the harm they are doing to others, just as long as they can meet their own needs. I know it's not easy to consider letting somebody go, who you care/cared about but in these types of situations people will usually continue to have the same patterns of behaviours and it's far better for your own health if you leave him because you can't force them to change. You can try to help by offering to go to the doctors with him or helping him make phone calls but it still may be best to call time on your relationship and live separately. At least if they know that you have no tolerance of it anymore then it gives them that bit more incentive to give up if they want you in their life. You can not allow yourself to be treated like a mug. People who know that they can mug someone off will continue to do so. Think of you and your child as you need to put yourselves first. He is a grown up and needs to be allowed to make his own choice, for the better or worse.

replying to Sprocket

Everything you have said is so true and u know I must follow my heart and it tells me to get rid of him . I know that in the future we will be so much better off and may actually be happy for once . I’ve just got to get my sons bday out the way then it’s game on ???????? Xx

replying to Sprocket

Wow, it's seems as if I am about to live your situation. Been together 18 months but he has had numerous contacts with other women. Doesn't care or want to know about me when on drugs and drink. Found out I am pregnant something he has said he has always wanted, and since been on two major binges and he seems to be taking more coke now. He lies all the time and I am unsure what to believe and what not to as the sad thing is I think he believes his lies himself.

replying to Sprocket

Bless you hun . My fella always wanted a child and I gave him one . But unfortunately for me he never quit even for his own son . All we do is have hope but sometimes hope just isn’t enough

. I always wish I would of left him while I was pregnant ! My son is nearly 7 now and will have to go through the break up crap of his family life . Sometimes I blame myself for staying but all I wanted was a family life and had hope he would give up the coke and drink xxx

replying to Sprocket

Hi, I’m in exactly the same position as you...

My now ex partner has a cocaine addiction going on for quite some time and your story sounds almost identical to mine.. we have 3 children and I desperately want him to get help before it has an impact on their lives - I fear the eldest will price it together soon enough (she’s due to start high school this time)

I asked him to leave the family hope about 3 months ago as it had taken its toll on my mental health and my Dr mentioned Social services which frightened me to be honest so I had no choice (he isn’t violent and I was about 80% sure he didn’t do it at home I got up extra early to clean everywhere just in case) but I too read his body language to try to figure out whether he’s had it.

He doesn’t drink with it - I feel his job (self employed) is his trigger - I’ve told him now that he has to get proper help and a proper job or I won’t entertain ever considering getting back with him.

I still try to help if I can but I don’t think he really truly wants help yet as he’s constantly breaking his word (not going to appointments etc) he’s had alternative job options but doesn’t take them (probably because his cash in had job pays for his addiction)

I have found though since he’s left I am much happier and can take a step back focus on myself and the children more - and whenever he’s ready for help I’ll always be there ( at least I think I will) I used enable by means of paying his phone bill, paid debts thinking of the stress of that was gone he would stay of it but obviously that didn’t work.. so now I do nothing at all, no money for fuel, food nothing... I won’t hide the ‘problem’ from family and friends and certainly won’t lie for him.

I feel so sad for him because he is so down but I can’t do anymore than I have it’s upto him now and if he truly wanted to get help, if his unhappiness was that bad he would be asking for help - he hasn’t done as yet...

I was so worried for the kids when I knew he had to leave but they’re so resilient they bounced back, they still see him, I let them call him whenever they want(which sometimes isn’t much) but they’re ok..

On the other hand I can’t forgive his selfishness when it comes to financial support, I understand that he can’t control his addiction but (I may be wrong) he can control whether he wants to get help.. and the fact we are now going to lose our home - which isn’t ideal with 3 kids as it’s not as easy to go to parents etc... he more than had the means to support and chooses not to which I can’t ever forgive...

I know I’ve said I’ll always be there but once I’m made homeless with the kids I’m not sure I will..

Sorry to rant just have to get this off my chest!

1 reply

replying to Sprocket

Hi Amski 12 your story is identical as mine ..... I’m being made homeless and my ex husband cocaine addict did nothing to help . To help him come off drugs and Alcohol I paid a lot of his debts off and helped him financially thinking it would load the stress off him and he would stop turning to drugs but it just made things worse. We were constantly arguing and he became very violent . He would smash things up around the house and my kids would witness it all. I would always be left with bruises cuts and he would storm out. Many occasions Iv kicked him out then a few days later he would calm down and start sobbing telling me how sorry he was and promise he would never do it again . I’d fall for it because I guess I loved him and cared for him at the time . Then a few days later he would see his friends and have a sniff and start all over again with the dramas ..got worse .. he would turn his phone off and be out all night and I’d be worried sick up all night thinking he is seeing someone else having an affair. Anxiety is an understatement the level of stress was immense.. I seeked professional help and counselling as I couldn’t manage with daily house chores and taking care of my children’s needs. I ended up soo depressed and became that close to suicidal . I was often let down by him and his promises were all lies and he even started pawning valuable sentimental items in to feed his habit. He would demand money from me and when I finally refused he just lashed out and left . He would manipulate me and make me feel guilty for not helping him. I did everything in my power to help him stop because I loved him but let me tell you there is nothing you can do it’s all down to the addict but he refused so finally I’m soo happy without him and I stopped all contacts with him .(my Two children are not to him thank god) after 6 years finally I left him . Best decision Iv ever made . Feel like Iv got my life back now and my children are very happy.

replying to Rani123

Hi, thank you for sharing your story..

I’ve actually come to the realisation now that I have to move on with my life, and same I feel so much better now that I’ve closed that door...

I think I’ve been through the worst and over it.

All the best to you x

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