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Hi Lost4words, I would probably hazard a guess that the 'not high' partner you know and care for still loves you, but the 'high' partner loves someone else. There isnt a lot you can do about it though, and nothing, not even your son, is enough to keep him. He might wake up one day and realise that he's lost the best thing thats ever happened to him, but you shouldn't put your own life on hold waiting for that time to come, if it ever does. Probably while he's still using it won't, and at a guess his new woman probably uses too. Its painful to see, its gut wrenching, I get that. But honestly, keep doing what you are doing, find happiness, let him see his son when he wants to and as long as you know he's not high when doing so. It's not your problem to solve, and you wont solve it, it will tear your heart out over and over again. Sending love

Assuming he's with other people when using, he's probably too busy chatting to be on his phone. My husband used to be the same when he was using. He would be on his phone a lot day to day, but then not when high/out. Its because they have something else to do. One of the other things I found out, was that he was spending a lot of time messaging the other woman, but wasnt online because he was with her! But thats only my experience, i'm not suggested you're in the same boat with that one. Sending love x

B8988 are you alright? Have you heard anything from him. In my experience, much as you want to treat him like he's treating you, punish him by ignoring him, something inside us just wont allow us to do that, right? I feel so sad reading your post about the relapse, you were only pre-empting this last week, maybe you have a sixth sense and knew it was coming before he did! A magic wand would be great!

A good rant helps me too. Well he's definitely paranoid. I felt like I was being watched because if I had done something it would make him feel better if I was. Sad state of affairs - pardon the pun! Sounds like your husband might be borderline personality disorder, believe me I have looked everywhere for answers as to why my husband was so intently confident that I was having an affair, to the point where it didn't matter what I said, he just knew I was, even though I wasnt. There is such a thing as cocaine induced psychosis, tbh I think thats what my husband had, because no sane person would act like he did. I hope you have a quiet weekend - I used to dread Fridays and Saturdays, they were the worst, out all night, AWOL, phone off. Lol'd at your last sentence, bet he'd never leave, mine wouldn't despite the fact he hated me for 'trying to control him', he just wanted to stick around and make my life miserable instead. Meanwhile having his kicks elsewhere. I think thats called having your cake and eating it!! xx

He knows you won’t do anything if he tells you he’s done lines. It’s like, I’m being honest with you, that’s good isn’t it.... well kind of, but no?? It’s a warped way of thinking and you’ll become wrapped up in it so tight you can’t breathe

Hi Egg04, It seems like all the wives on this forum with husbands on cocaine could write the same story, only alternating sightly. Sorry you are going through all this, its so draining and so unfair. It seems to me like you do love him, and you also feel like you have to stick around because you dont want to be the reason he spirals, or tries to kill himself... right? But what about you, what about what you want. Cocaine makes users selfish beyond comprehension, and they don't give a darn about anything apart from what they want to do. I don't have a magic wand, if I did, I would string up all dealers, burn all the plantations of cocaine, and get all these poor addicts back on track. It really is about how much you can take, how strong you are and if you believe he wants to get help. It sounds like you have been through an awful time. You cannot live your life like this, you are still young. His problem is not your problem. Don't get to my age (45 with a child together) broken. Its not for anyone to tell you what to do, but what would you tell a friend going through what you are, to do? I think then you have your answer. You said, dinner parties, holidays, you appreciate thats not all there is to life.... but wouldnt it be nice if you had a glimpse of that. No its not all there is to life, but nor is what you're having to go through day after day. Sending love x

Hi ladies, Sorry I've been out of the loop on this thread as I was away this weekend. Only at a family festival in Hampshire, but still its the first time we've been away together with our daughter in years. I hope everyone is ok. B8988 I've been looking up about co-dependency and I definitely am! My happiness hinges on him every moment of every day, and I know that isn't any way to live. I constantly worry about what he's doing, how he's feeling, what he's thinking.... I literally never consider myself and my own feelings. I think a lot of my issues stem from his cocaine use, as learned experience has taught me how to be around him, and now that he isnt using I still am the same way. I don't speak my mind, I always think 'how will he react' before I open my mouth. I dont quite know how to break that cycle though. xx

Hi Jacjacjac. Good to hear from you. I get the fight or flight mode thing, its like auto pilot, you become obsessed don't you. But the reality is that we are powerless, nothing we can say will make any difference when coke has its hold. My husband has his own money and I dont control it, and tbh its not that we dont have money to live, which somehow is worse, because it enables him to do it. I actually think even if I could control his money (which i can't as he has his own business) he would still find a way to get it, when its got a hold. Do you know for sure he's not doing it any other time? There were times when I wouldn't have known, but I got some tests from amazon and tested him, every time I thought it, I was right, he was using every day at that point. If your husband can stop for 3 months and just binge, is that an addict, or does he have limited self control? I dread invites to social events because I know that a drink will lead to that. At present hes not drinking either as he knows there is a correlation, at least to him. Like you I don't go out anymore. I am meant to travel occasionally with work, but I put that off unless I absolutely can't avoid it. In December I drove 250 miles, attended an event I had organised, and drove back 250 miles, got home at 3am, just so I didnt have to worry about him driving our daughter to school the next morning...... When your husband is off this latest binge/come down, talk to him, tell him how you feel. The problem is that they carry on doing this because the thrill at the time outweighs the consequences. He knows you'll still be there, he'll be able to talk you around, he'll say sorry and you have to forget it. You have to think of it like dealing with a child, dont make threats you wont carry through. I have considered breaking free, but havent because I know hes a good person without coke, I wouldnt want to be the reason he self destructs, I wouldnt want to have to explain to our daughter or family members why I dont want him to have her on his own... its all about them isn't it - we dont think about ourselves. How long was he gone for this time? and is he back? Just worrying about how you are dealing with it xx

Hi Bellagirl, I wouldn't say that he'll never change, because he's young and he could. But do you really want to be on the recieving end of his benders, worried to death where he is, then dealing with the sadness that follows. It sounds like he's just dabbling, but coke is a sly drug and it pulls you in and before you know it you're an addict, and you dont know when that will happen. Would he be happy if it was the other way around and it was you? Don't get to the point I was, where it was all consuming, my husbands addiction broke me. I'm not the person I used to be. I just wouldnt want anyone to go through what I have. You are not alone, just remember that. And also remember, this is his journey and his choice at the moment, and if it upsets you then you don't have to travel with him. Sending love xx