Chat to others

Hi B111, I dont think anyone can answer that categorically, but my husband has cheated on me a few times, always when he has been using Coke. Its not an excuse, but it could be a reason. Honestly, being with a cocaine user is like being on a life rollercoaster, and living with Jekyll and Hyde, so its quite possible that it could be the reason. If I was you, i'd certainly not rush into the wedding until you have rebuilt trust, and that will take some time. Sending hugs

Hi Holly and Frankie, I was sad reading your stories, I've been in a similar position for years on and off, and I feel your pain, anxiety and worry. Have a read of my past posts. NEVER ever blame yourselves for being in this situation. It is not your fault at all, coke is a sly drug, it starts off as a bit of fun, an extra at a party. Then before you know if you are using it every day just to feel normal. It doesnt even make an addict feel good anymore. I too have a child with my husband, have been married 12 years, and he is, at present 9 months clean. He cannot drink alcohol now either as it is a huge trigger for him. I lost so much weight when he was in the middle of an addictive binge. Every weekend spent feeling anxious, and then wasted Sundays trying to keep out of his way. Coming home from work late and high, expecting a lift to work the next day because his car was there. Treading on eggshells all the time, second guessing the mood. This past 9 months have been like a dream for me, some normality amid the covid chaos. I'd take this time over an addictive phase any day! My husband has previously stopped for 12-18 months, so its not out of the ordinary for this to happen, i'm not counting my chickens.... although I keep telling myself that one time when he stops it will be forever. I hope this is it. Sending love and always here x

Wow Ann, you have been so strong. I didnt want to read and run. Your words resonated with me, living with a cocaine addict is like being on a really awful fast bumpy rollercoaster that wont stop. I think the problem is that when you live 'in it' for so long, you hate it, but it becomes normality, you normalise things that are not normal, not by a long way, but you make excuses to yourself. Its so sad, but the partners deserve some happiness too, and even though my husband is 9 months clean, the fear of the return of it, is hard. Don't get me wrong, its not constantly on my mind, but at times it is, more times than it should be. Its almost like I have PTSD from the trauma of living with it. You are an inspiration! x

‘ He swears its the tests. And was quite angry and upset saying why would i volunteer to do them if i had used etc.’ Well if he hadn’t agreed to it then you’d have also the same conclusion right? I’ve been here with my husband in the past xx

Hi Kezmundo, The thing is, when you've been around it before, you know, you just know. You still need concrete proof (test/swipes) but you already knew didnt you. Its actually quite easy for the partners to see slight changes, that they themselves don't ever see. I can even tell by my husbands text message tone (because he's uses a slightly different language), they lack appetite - thats an easy one to spot if you cook for him etc etc. My husband is 8 months clean after 20+ years of first recreational, then daily use, with breaks here and there. I'm constantly on edge still. Certain people he occasionally sees trigger worry in me, but I have to trust him. Like Lemony says, they have to want to stop themselves, nothing you or his kids can do/say will change that it he's not bought in, or doesnt see it as a problem. Sending hugs xx

Hi! I didnt want to read and run. My husband is a recovering cocaine addict. He's into his 8th month clean now. But for years and years, as long as I can remember cocaine has been a problem in my marriage. What do you want to do? You are not responsible for him. What is his current status? Is he still using? My husband stopped drinking too, as he isnt really able to do one without the other. He doesnt have an off switch, so he did drink to get drunk, as opposed to just having one or 2. You aren't alone xx

Oh my, I feel so sad reading your words. I know exactly how you are feeling, if only there was a way to detach. There isn't an easy way out of this. I wanted so many times to 'get on with my life and let my cocaine addict husband do what he wants and not let it bother me', but how can you sit back and let someone destroy themselves right. Fact is - you have to, for YOUR own sanity, you have to detach. You can be there for support if/when he stops, but just don't put yourself through it. Sending massive hugs, nobody deserves to go through what you are, you are stronger than you think, but dont let him take all your happiness away. Yes, you are his mother, but first and foremost, you are you. Please don't let him define you. xx

cornwallmother - It's amazing how many people are in the same position, or a similar one. I hope you are ok, this forum is a great form of support because you know you arent alone. x

He wouldn't have gone for a meal before, whats the point when you arent ever hungry (apart from on a come down) x

Hi Whiteheather, Welcome, and well done for posting. It takes guts! Firstly, do not blame yourself, short of keeping him in for all his life, you cannot ever imagine this will happen to you or him. Its not your fault. Unfortunately, what starts out for a lot of people as a recreational drug every now and then at a party, for some, it turns into this. Cocaine is a sly drug that reels you in without you really realising, until you are dependent on it to feel normal, or what you believe to be normal. Has he ever admitted that its a problem? Unless he admits it is an issue there is little you can do. Sending hugs x