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Posts by Ash2013

joined

107 posts in 30 threads

Advice please by

Hi Jo, BT is right, cocaine makes you incredibly selfish in all aspects, it also can stir up aggression. He wont be thinking of anybody else in any of this. In fact sorry to say, but the fact your father has passed away to him, will just be an excuse to use and have a reason. I used to joke that my husband just needed the day to end in a Y to have an excuse, its as simple as that. Blocking his number will give him a reason to kick off and moan about you doing that to your mum, if I was you, I would just ignore his calls, or get your partner to answer the phone. You are right to be worried about the funeral, in my experience, he could possibly start an argument, be an idiot, embarrass the family. The best thing you can do is remain calm, try to act totally normal to him, dont give him any looks or say anything, much as you may want to. Dont give him cause. I'm sure he wont kick off in front of your mum anyway, it sounds like he's playing the victim to her. Stay strong, take all the hugs you can get, stay level headed and always remember, his actions are NOT your problem or your fault. x

2 of 6 posts

Husband & Cocaine / Alcohol by

Hi Kaza, My husband is 6 months clean from Coke, and also doesnt drink now either, as they tend to go hand in hand for him. I'm always worrying about a fall back, last year he stopped for a good number of months, and then started again, I could see the stressful situation coming, and boom, there it was, a couple of lines once or twice a week, and after 6 weeks, back to every day and an absent husband/father. I'm holding on the hope that one time he'll stop for good. He seems in a good place right now, and very negative towards friends who do it still. I never left my husband, so I wouldnt tell anyone to leave, unless they were in danger of course. But i'm sure you have to get to a point where enough is enough right. His problem isn't your problem, thats correct, however his problem is making a problem for you, and that isnt fair. He isnt showing the same empathy to you as you are to him. Marriage is about compromise, but when you are married to an addict, you do all the compromising and they seem to do what they like, even though i'm sure they'd protest different, haha. Have a read of my old threads, my husband has been on coke most of our 15 year relationship, with some breaks, some longer than others. The good the bad and the ugly you'll read from my posts. I'm in a good place right now, but the fear of a relapse never leaves, and I still choose my words carefully, and think about his reaction before speaking, even though now, I dont need to! xx

by KazA

2 of 14 posts

Shocked and feeling sad by

Naivety is nice, I wish I didn't know what I know now. Because that would mean I hadn't gone through all the crap I have ;-) Keep him busy, but not soo busy he has too much stress. Not drinking will help too, alcohol will drop his guard. His conscious mind will not be fully in control if he drinks, and it would be easy to slip up. Unless you plan to watch him like a hawk if he has a few beers.... which is exhausting I can tell you. Plus alcohol is a depressant, so that added to the fact he's recovering so is potentially 'down' would be a recipe for disaster. You're doing well, keep smiling x

by Kklost

13 of 85 posts

Wife's drinking by

Hi there, I dont have much experience in the alcohol situation, but if it bothers you then it is a problem. In marriage you have to compromise, you may not like what the other person has to say, but if its a problem for them, then its a problem. It does look quite excessive, looks like 60-70 units a week, and the recommended guidance is a maximum of 14. I'd be on the floor after any of those days! Dismissing is just a deflection, chances are that she knows it is a problem, but doesnt want to stop, or admit it to you. Some others on here may have some advice, sorry that I don't personally. Keep smiling, and stay positive. Best wishes :)

Cocaine abuse by

Hi Pink Shadow, Bless you, you had hope and then it vanished. Its so unfair on you, because it will feel like he's totally disrespecting you, and he is. Although the mental addiction is so strong that you have to remember that this is not your fault, he can't help it. Obviously at some point some people have a lightbulb moment and realise what they are doing and that they are just this drugs slave now. They get to the point that its not enjoyable, they need it to be normal. I dont know if your chap is anywhere near that point, its difficult to tell, and they rarely admit it. It usually takes other people to point it out to them, and if he's surrounded by coke heads, then that wont happen. Re your 17 year old, just remember what you tell cannot be untold. So it may get to the point that he wants to stop, but then your 17 year old will be different towards him, and therefore that'll be a reason not to bother. You dont know how the 17 year old will react. I can't answer that for you, I never told my now 18 year old about my husband's addiction as it would have destroyed the relationship they have, although tbh that isnt that strong anyway. Just look after number one - YOU, don't worry about him, make him aware you are there, but you arent going to be there if he carries on with this. He has a choice to make. Sending hugs x

4 of 10 posts

Cocaine ruined my relationship by

Hi Hw What was my husband like when he was using. - moody - snappy - argumentative - belittling me - disrespectful - sneaky - selfish - arrogant - paranoid Once I had to go away with work overnight, our daughter threw up, I was in a conference, I had 47 missed calls In 3 minutes and aggressive texts. Because why couldn’t I answer my phone. Totally irrational! The times I used to call him and he would have been able to answer but he didn’t bother. When I got home there was coke residue in the bathroom, I said why the f**k are you doing coke when looking after our child, he asked how I knew, I said there’s coke in the bathroom. His reply angrily ‘enough for a line?’ Many things like this happened. His clean self would be ashamed if he was reminded of all these times. It’s like living with Jekyll and Hyde, mostly Jekyll. Treading on eggshells, thinking before you speak etc. He made me feel like I was going mad. But of course I’m not mad! xx

by Hw12

15 of 72 posts

I don’t know what to do by

I agree Kitten. That’s the problem, the bit of fun on weekends and then all of a sudden you’re hooked And it’s not fun. You need it to exist. My husband says that it’s the only thing that gives him a good feeling, nothing else in life can do that anymore. His pleasure receptors are f**ked. Cocaine did that. Kitten, we have a 7 year old too and it was a similar story with lack of interest in anything. Since being clean he’s far more engaging, don’t get me wrong he’s never going to win a father of the year award, but he tries now, will look at her school work, will play a board game with her if it’s not too long 😂 it’s certainly improved. It’s just such a sly evil drug, I despise it and the chaos it creates x

by Kklost

3 of 9 posts

He did the Drug Test and GP visit update by

Bless you what a day! Be careful, he may be trying to start an argument to give him an excuse to go out and get some. I would test him tomorrow and Sunday but don’t give him forewarning. None of this is your fault, a lot of people work weekends, it doesn’t mean the other parent has to take drugs to get through it. Don’t feel any guilt for doing what you do, he’s transferring his guilt into you by excusing what he does x

by Kklost

1 of 18 posts

Cocaine is the devil by

Hi bbb, I feel so sad listening to the story of your baby loss, its a hugely emotional time, and you need one another, yet the choice to use coke was stronger. Its unforgiveable. 2 years ago my husband was so convinced (for a year!) that I had had an affair that it twisted him into knots, he was using heavily, getting more paranoid, constantly asking me, trying to trip me up - you can't trip up an innocent person. In fact his passive aggression and bullying words had turned me into a nervous wreck, I was so scared of an episode that my heart would race, my throat would dry up, I would shake - he saw this as guilt, but it was in fact fear. It got so bad I ended up taking an overdose because I couldnt see a way out of this mess, it was a cry for a break, I was aware enough not to take too many (but still potentially enough to do some damage it turned out) I ended up in an ambulance that he called, he said all the right things when the paramedics arrived, yet 15 mins before he'd been doing a line in front of me. I went to hospital overnight, he wouldnt even come to pick me up, I had to get a taxi home in the morning. He blamed me for doing it, said it was a stupid stunt, he had zero empathy and really didnt care. I tell you this story because, my husband now would NOT be anything like this, it literally is like living with Jekyll and Hyde. I hate how the drug changes people, its a mind altering substance, and from what I can see, has no positives!! Without a child, please move on with your life and be happy. Your happiness is important. Thank you for your kind reply too x

2 of 6 posts

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