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Posts by B8988


121 posts in 29 threads

A new kind of Midlife crisis by

Hi there. Basically ask yourself are you happy? Is his behaviour having a negative effect on you? Do you realistically see yourself having children with this person? Because the way he is now may be the way he will be forever. I know it’s a lot to take in but you need to set some boundaries. Maybe research realistic ones, whatever you set make sure you follow them through though, otherwise he won’t take you seriously and you’ll end up feeling worse. You need to seek help for yourself. You need to break away from the cycle to see what you actually want. You sound like you’ve got used to putting up with his behaviour and are now just turning a blind eye to it! The life you want to live is out there but it has to start with changes made by you. Someone once said to me “ your husband might be acting insane due to drugs, but you are the sane one and you need to do what’s best for you”. Look for al anon or drug support groups in your area, they will help to give you the strength to do what’s best for you! Xx

1 of 2 posts

Cocaine by

Yes I had him back. Whilst he is trying I’m prepared to give him the chance, however if it comes to it that he’s slipping back I think it will be time to walk. I’ve had to have lots of counselling both as a couple and on my own. It’s hard to forget all the crap! But I know if I want it to work I Have to try. I think I only have as before drugs my husband was the most loving, loyal and most selfless person you could meet, none of this behaviour was him, it was all drugs. I’m annoyed that he was silly enough to touch the horrible stuff In the first place but I know he wouldn’t have ever dreamed that it would have got so bad! Everyone’s situation is different, I definitely wouldn’t stay with an active addict though.

2 of 9 posts

Lapsed again on coke :( by

Hi Georgia, I feel for you, I really do. I do think now’s the time that you take a leaf out of your own book, you’ve given some great advice to others about walking away and leaving them to face the consequences of their own actions, now you should try to do the same. This will continue to happen, as with addiction “as you know”, they are either in recovery or active addiction. Focus on you! stop texting him! Don’t be there to support him whilst he’s choosing to behave like this. (I know how hard this is, by the way) it’s all to do with codependency. I like you and many others, was so codependent that I lost myself, as my husbands addiction was my sole focus. My husband is nearly 5 months clean and his behaviour and personality is back to pre drug days, however, I’m always waiting for a lapse/relapse. however, this time if he does, I think I’ll be fully prepared to let him walk. How much longer do we want to put our lives on hold? Aren’t we bored of drug talk? I know that I am! Please think of everything you’ve been through already, practise self help and even if you don’t feel like it do stuff you’d normally enjoy until you actually start enjoying it again. His ex is always gonna be in the picture, he can’t keep using her as an excuse to go off the rails and neither can you! My husband used me as the reason he’d use until we went to marriage counselling and it was pointed out that he was doing it to himself, not me! Google (drama triangle) me and my husband were always playing different roles, victim, rescuer and persecutor and so the cycle continued. We’ve both taken steps to come out of the triangle and take responsibility of own own actions. No matter how tempting it is, DO NOT rescue him! Keep strong xxx


1 of 69 posts

What’s next? by

Hi there. I think you know what you need to do, Hence you being on here. That’s good! At least you’ve recognised that you have a problem, that’s the first step in doing something to try to change it. You said “in the pub after a bad day at work.” Maybe you need to find healthier ways of tackling when you’re feeling crap. Cocaine is a quick fix that in the long run makes you end up feeling worse. I’d talk to your gf about stopping. Tbh if she won’t get onboard with you i’d seriously think about maybe ending it. Your health should be your number one priority and if she is using, the chances of you being able to just stop are slim due to the mental pull of the drug. Good luck!!

by Danman83

1 of 6 posts

so I left ???? by

Hi Hun, sorry I’ve read some of your previous posts. I too am married to a cocaine addict who’s currently in recovery but I feel for you. I know how awful they can be. I think you’ve done the right thing. No one deserves to be treated the way you have, I know it’s terribly hard but do your best to look after yourself. I’ve recently joined al-anon as there isn’t many drug support groups for families in my area but they are all the same, working the 12 steps. It’s nice to meet others who are going through the same as you. I’m sure your journey with your partner won’t just end here, unfortunately with addicts we have to ride the storm of their ups and downs. Whilst he was vile last weekend I’m sure he will soon have periods of being normal/nice, this is when you may be tempted to go back. You just don’t want it to keep being repeated over and over again. This is the situation I have found myself in. Keep strong (you’ve got this!)

by Janette132

1 of 5 posts

Addicted and admitting by

Yes bluebell, that’s the problem with us, we will always be sceptical but for good reason. We have heard all the “it will be different this time!” A million times before. Proofs in the pudding as they say! Your husbands mood seems all over the place at the minute, I’d deffo say that points to him still being in active addiction. My husband used to cry if I threatened to leave him one day, then be vile to me the next! That’s when he was deep in it, I guess the more you use, the more irrational your behaviour.

by Danman83

6 of 28 posts

Relapse by

Hi there, first off the fact that he did 2 and a half years sober is amazing! I’ve just gone through relapse with my husband for cocaine, although he was only sober for 6 months. He did it off his own back and didn’t attend meetings, which at the time he said he could easily dismiss the cravings, until he was faced with it and couldn’t refuse. He didn’t tell me he’d relapsed, I guessed! He denied it which made me furious! like you I questioned (if he’s had a period without) why wouldn’t he have thought about us etc and said no? The truth is, addicts are addicts for life, there is no cure, just management. I could have handled my husbands lapse better though. I threatened divorce the day he used again, i then brought up a lot of stuff he’d done to me in the past and he said it made him feel like scum! Instead I should have encouraged him to get back on the wagon and praised the time he spent clean. He then went back on it hard and this resulted in me asking him to move away to sort himself out, he’s only been away two weeks and started using pills (ecstasy) and then coke again. So I ended the relationship properly, since then he’s been almost suicidal and cries everyday saying he can’t lose me. Now I’m back to square one. It’s a never ending battle unfortunately. I’d suggest if I was you, to encourage him and praise him so he doesn’t feel worse, but tell him you expect him to get straight back into being clean. Suggest he attends meetings regularly to help him stay clean, if he wants a relationship with you. You need to call the shots, otherwise they just look for excuses to carry on using. My husbands are; he uses if he’s happy (like a celebration) if he’s sad, if he’s bored, if he feels guilty, etc. Basically he self medicates.

by DNAnon

1 of 3 posts

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