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Posts by Bluebell

joined

41 posts in 15 threads

I’ve left my husband by

Hi ladies I’m sorry you are going through this. And what I am about to say will not make it better but you need to listen to what I am telling you. These men will not change. They will suck the life out of you, gaslight you and leave your head spinning with guilt and shame. But you are not to blame. They are, every selfish line they snort or smoke is disrespecting your needs on a basic level. Hear me when I tell you that it is impossible to have a relationship with an addict. The lies the manipulation. It will not end. If you can’t do it for yourselves do it for your children. It’s five years ago this year my addict ex husband left me! Accusing me of an affair I never had but the drugs will warp their minds. I went on a journey to hell and back. I took the man back when he begged and 6 months later he punished me for it with further lies drugs and blame. You pack your bags and leave. My sons suffered untold amounts. Nearly five years later and guess what? He has given up! Even cigarettes! Well you may say well done him, isn’t this great! But no, he’s a bigger c@nt then when he wax using. Buying a flat up my road despite me divorcing him and trying to use my boys as some pawns in a game. Do you want to watch your 15 year old son have to throw his dad out of the house for trying to start on you. It will break your heart! The sense of injustice at it all will never leave me. But just in case you think that their giving up will bring the dream back again, I caution you not to be fooled. Cocaine ruins the brain Pernanently! That lovely man you met all those years ago, fell in love with, had fun with, made dreams with us dead. Forever dead. There is no coming back. There is only you moving forward. I spent 3 years of self blaming tears and despair. It was only when I met a truly good man that I realised his manipulative and abusive my ex husband was. Please do not think about it any longer. You have a life to live and you deserve to live it. Pack your bags and leave them now. xxxx

Coke by

I so feel for you, the guilting you out and all the false promises and with a young baby too. Believe it or not but my ex-husband was on it for 8 years and I had no idea! Only when he had a psychotic meltdown and accused me of an affair I never had! For all the abuse I got I bloody wished I had as at least then I would have deserved it. There is a very good author called Melodie Beattie. She writes for people like us who become what is known as co-dependent mainly as a reaction to the crazy behaviour and trying to control the uncontrollable! Look her up and have a read. It’s good to try and understand our emotions and try to focus on ourselves rather than them. I will always love the man that once was who I met 20 years ago. But he is changed forever. Cocaine use, combined with daily weed smoking as I have now found out does irreparable damage. The man who once said I was his soulmate now hates me and has paranoid delusions that I am competing with him. He still goes out of his way to do unkind things to me for no reason. All I can say is I am glad I divorced him and have the majority care of our two boys, they only stay two nights a month. My boys are safe and after two years now quite happy. I bought him out of the family home. The money I gave him paid off his £53,000 debt (this is a man who earned £75,000 pa) but he has no savings, he has nothing. He lives in a two bed flat on his own. Annoyingly two minutes up the road from me. But at the end of the day, at least I have security and so do my boys. If I hadn’t got divorced he probably would have carried on and we would have lost our house. My head kicked in and did what it had to do. My heart, that will be forever broken, that betrayal never goes away, and seeing the person you love become lost through drugs is probably on a par with seeing someone you love disappear through dementia. They are never the same again. I wish all of you still going through this lots of love, hope and strength. You come out the other side a different person, I’m more compassionate and a hell of a lot more laid back. That loss never goes away as it feels such a waste, but you do learn to live with it. Sending lots of love and positive vibes xx

by Stemgirl

2 of 8 posts

Sat in tears... by

I’m really sorry you are feeling like this. Cocaine is actually the nastiest for actually changing the personality. I was told this by a drug and alcohol specialist. You are so brave for separating, I wish I had, mine ended up leaving me accusing me of an affair I never had. Have you looked to see if there is a local Al anon group near you? There are many local ones probably meeting virtually now. I think the structure and routine of meeting people who have been through it may give you the local support that you need. Friends and family although well meaning will not understand what you are going through. Sending big hugs xx

1 of 2 posts

Desperate by

I’m sorry to hear this. How old are your children? I am divorced from my ex husband 3 years now. He smoked weed and did cocaine. He was my best friend and my soulmate. I really feel your pain and I can only say please don’t feel you are alone, probably everyone on this site has been there. I feel for you as you are still in the midst of it. It can get crazier believe me. The reason I ask how old your children are is because mine were 10 and 7 when he first left (yes he left me! Apparently I had been cheating on him, drug induced paranoia is quite something!) When I think about it my boys had been suffering from his mood swings for years but I didn’t know he was an addict and just thought he was depressed. I won’t go into the ins and outs of it but long story short is this. My eldest recovered quicker, he didn’t like his dad’s behaviour and knew about his drugs. He is 13 now and tells me that when his dad left the second time (yes stupidly I took him back) it was the best thing that happened. My youngest however struggled so so much and only now 3 years and lots of love and support, I think he is more or less ok. I like you was obsessively worrying about my ex. We can’t help it. I wish I had shifted my focus more on my children. When you lose a soulmate it is worse than death because it isn’t just them who has gone it’s the dream. My ex still does drugs, but allegedly less than he did, who knows. If your wife has no insight into her problems (like my ex, I recognise the classic minimising behaviour, I bet you’ve been lied to and manipulated as well let alone all the gaslighting!) then they cannot change. Until they realise they have a problem they simply will not change what they are doing. The point I am making is that as she is now you are just going to get more of the same and worse. I was supportive loving and I now know enabled by constantly picking up the slack. In hindsight I wish I had booted my ex out. Do you think about the impact of her behaviour on your children? Are they old enough to talk to? You cannot save her, all you can do is save yourself and your children. I know how much it hurts, I miss my old ex every day, but the one that is walking around now is like an extra on The Walking Dead, it’s not him anymore. And sadly 8 years of chronic cocaine abuse, he never will be! Sending you big hugs.

by mb8

1 of 4 posts

My partner has just told me he’s addicted to cocaine and can’t stop!!! by

I’m sorry to hear this. Please know that we on here know what you are going through. You will not want to hear what I have to say, I certainly didn’t when I first came on here, but the truth is this. He has told you he didn’t like his ex as she was “controlling”. No, I bet he didn’t. We all get tarnished with that one. You are now in a panic, you are going to want to fix him. I’m sorry, you can’t. I learned the hard way when after 20 years and two children together my husband had a psychotic meltdown and accused me of having an affair which for all the flack I got I certainly wish I had. I screamed, I begged, I pleaded, I acted kindly and sympathetically, I read up, I did everything to save him. He even begged to come back and I took him (after he left me by the way as I was “doing his nut in”) yeah right...that lasted 5 months. I finally divorced him in June. The lies still keep coming fast and furious. You almost believe them they are such accomplished manipulators and liars. Even when my 9 year old son found weed in his car and I got a social services referral (no action taken as I am not an addict) he still minimised the extent of his drug taking lifestyle. And the cocaine. Well if you want to truly go to the dark side then that’s certainly the gateway. I have suffered, my kids have suffered and all the while he swans about snorting and puffing bringing himself up and down like a friggin yo-yo without a care in the world. I have been through two years of utter hell, suffered chronic depression, financial ruin and the light feels like it has been sucked out of my soul. Your partner has a hole up his nose. That’s a heavy user. He’s going to lie to you left right and centre to get away with that one. I made the mistake of believing the lies for 8 years. My lovely kind caring gentle husband died years ago. I was in denial. Confront him and see what he says. I bet he will regret having said that to you. My advice, and I am sorry that this sounds harsh, is to walk and never look back. I truly wish somebody had said that to me. But I probably wouldn’t have listened. Sometimes the paths we go down are the ones we need for life to teach us the lessons we need to learn.

by Ash2013

1 of 33 posts

Catch up by

I am glad that your son is looking well and is making an effort with his daughter, that is positive and good to hear. How, my heart goes out to you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Having kids has probably helped me as they are my reason for getting out of bed. Cocaine is the most evil drug. It steals away kind loving people and replaces them with utter arseholes. At the moment my ex is popping by ours quite a lot, funnily not spending time with the kids but with me. I think I may have made a royal cock up but at the time it seemed like a good idea. Because he is such a liar and I was worried about his contact with the kids I told him what he does is his own business and I accept now that he has made his choice but he needs to tell me when he has used so that my kids don’t get the brunt of a massive comedown or worse still, he just falls asleep whilst being with them! So he said ok. And now tells me while I sit there positively seething! He is now coming round all the time and I thought at first he wastrying to make amends, professing to not wanting to do it any more saying it hadruined his life. What about mine and the kids! So I thought he was serious about it but now I have worked out he is coming to see me on his come downs because he is lonely and feeling sorry for himself! Worse still, I think he wastrying to “convert” me as when I said I could never ever snort anything up my nose i’d feel like I was drowning, he looked at me completely straight faced and said “but you could rub it on your gums instead” He was deadly serious!!! ???????????? I am now angry at him but even angrier at myself! My 9 year old son asked me why we weren’t married as we are always together, and then I felt so bad as I was so busy hoping and wishing my lovely old husband was possibly there I never thought what effect it would have on my lovely boys! Although I have to say, my eldest son has ASD. What I love about him is he says things as they are such as when my husband first left “I don’t know why you are bothered about it mummy, it’s much better without him”. ???????????? Danny, don’t beat yourself up. Remember what Louise Clarke says, it’s not a relapse it’s a hiccup. You are still on track and you still want to change which is a place that none of the rest of our loved ones are xx

by Hox

1 of 19 posts

Struggling by

I am cross with myself for letting my ex manipulate me again! He said yesterday morning he would help me last night with something, I presumed that evening as it was urgent. Then sent me a few inappropriate messages (making light of drug taking) then just didn’t message me until 4:25 am to tell me he would drive the kids to school. He hadn’t even read my messages. I am annoyed as I was in a place of moving on and really getting my shit together and then he did the usual manipulation of being nice and telling me he loved me etc etc. I’m such a fool. I need to just say cannot do this any more to him. But then this morning before he got out of his car he was busy texting someone and didn’t even notice me at the door. I wanted to see if he was high/ coming down as he was driving my son to school. Curiously he seemed very normal but complained of being hot which worried me as he kept opening my front door and I kept shutting it as it was cold. I then decided to take my son to school and he got a bit upset and asked me if I was good (meaning ok with him). Wish I could extract myself and my boys from this awful situation and run away from him. I really wish I didn’t see him. I seriously don’t think he gets it at all!

by

9 of 58 posts

Addicted and admitting by

B8988 you are right he is using. Tonight I called him on it and said I knew. The paranoia that he was being followed was a tad amusing but also a bit concerning but I pointed out his come down was evidence enough to which he then fessed up to using but only last Friday ???? He went to Amsterdam for New Years Eve need I say more ,,, Anyway, Bhoyo and Danman I need your advice, I really do! My ex wants to have a sesh with me (he means alcohol) on Saturday night as I am seeing Bastille in Brighton tomorrow then our clubbing with friends. I need advice on what he wants to talk about, eg us moving forward and being honest. He said something strange though and I would like to understand more about what he means as it appears for the first time since our divorce he wants to try and make me “understand”. He said he used on Friday as he was feeling down, to which I said well that’s because you don’t get cuddles any more and he said “you don’t understand, that’s not what I need” What does he mean by this. What does he “need” that the coke gives him that a person can’t? I would like to know so that I don’t judge him or say anything inappropriate when he finallly talks to me which he says he wants to. I sent our divorce papers off today. I didn’t tell him. I’m a bit scared about his reaction to me doing that although he knows I was going to but he kept dragging his feet. He said to me he doesn’t want to do it any more and Friday was a slip up. He’s never been this open with me before, and to be honest only opened up as I said the wY we were acting was bullshit and I was fed up with his lies so didn’t want any kind of relationship whereas he wants us to be friends. He still holds a lot of anger towards me, mainly because he had a psychotic meltdown 18 months ago accusing me with sleeping with a 26 year old carpet fitter! It was so random! Bhoyo and Danman your advice and anyone else’s would be very welcome as this the first time EVER he has genuinely said he wanted to give it up.

by Danman83

4 of 28 posts

4 week clean today from cocaine by

You are doing so well Danman, I wish my ex would see what the coke has done to him. B8988 at least your husband loves you and says so. I had an awful day yesterday. I finished preparing all the divorce papers and let him know he needed to sign them. He text back saying ‘nice one”. When he came round we signed in silence until he said “this is sad isn’t it, the opposite of getting married”. I just looked at him. He then said “but it’s got to be done”. He then fussed about with a parcel that he wanted collected from mine as I am in today and when he left he kissed me on the cheek and gave me a big hug. I don’t know whether he was really upset or not, I don’t understand any of his behaviour any more. I later text to say I had never felt so awful after signing papers to which he replied. “No, not very nice at all.” I really don’t know what that man values. It’s certainly not me and the kids! Must be his freedom to do what he likes when he likes with whoever he likes. I wish I could move away. He’s having his cake and eating it living up the road. I wish I could move away but I have a massive penalty if I cash in before the end of the fixed rate and also both my sons want to stay. It’s like I don’t get a say in anything. I wish he would go and move to London. He’s there for work today. Tuesday night is coke night after work with his techs chronnies. He’ll ride back in first thing in the morning and then expect contact with the kids. But of course, he isn’t doing coke according to him......such a liar! His bad moods and gaunt looks say otherwise. Don’t even know why I even care any more. Just st wish I didn’t have to see him. Maybe if he didn’t see us then he would realise what he has lost! Sorry for rant! I just know 100% I wouldn’t be getting divorced if it wasn’t for the drugs! :(

by Danman83

3 of 26 posts

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