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Posts by FRH92

joined

25 posts in 7 threads

Back at it AGAIN by

Hi Sam, I'm so sorry it took a long time for me to reply, its been a busy weekend with the little one and spent most of the time outside. Anyway it sound like your other half is super controlling. Do you have a chance to stand up for yourself at all? i remember when it was really had with my ex and he always used to say that i was cheating on him and we would sometimes think that i had someone hiding in the flat! Ridiculous! Do you still want to be in this relationship? can you see a future with him at all? and has be always had an addiction from the moment you met him? I always found the intimate part of our relationship really hard when i had my little one. I went through a really difficult birth (who doesn't, right?!) and after that he was almost like "well that's out of the way, when can i start again?!" and i was really sore, i had a emergency c-section and the scar after had got infected and i was felling really rubbish, with him just going back onto drugs and throwing out his demands for me. It went on for 2 years when i finally said enough is enough. I didn't even enjoy the intimate times, i just felt like it was a job that needed to be done and it should never feel like that. I hate the fact that it was fun at one point of our relationship and i was remissness about those times, but i was 18 then and had no responsibility, i'm 28 now and have a child. It was time for me to stop dreaming about what it used to be like and what it could be like and starting looking at what it is like now. What needs to change. I know one of the things i definitely wasn't doing was looking after myself. How are things now? Are you OK? xxx

10 of 34 posts

Cocaine addict husband by

Hi, I can understand where you are coming from. I still live with my ex pending the sale of our flat and we have a 2 year old son together. He has been an addict for 16 years and i have been with him for 10 of those years. I found out he done Cocaine 6 months into our relationship and he was the first boyfriend i had. It didn't bother me too much to begin with as it was more recreational and doing it on a night out. But when we moved in together he would do it on week days and by himself, that's when i knew that it was an addiction. or maybe he was always like that and i never knew. He got into a habit of doing it every other day and even before he would go to work. I though (stupidly) that when i unexpectedly fell pregnant and i decided to keep it that things would change, but it only seemed to get worse. i have been trying to get him help for 4 years through groups, counselling and even couples counselling but nothing has worked. My ex would always accuse me of cheating and even hiding someone in our flat! he goes so paranoid that he will look out of the window for hours and not talk to me, its so horrifying to see, i have no idea what he is thinking. I have tried to take away the bank cards and get control of our bank accounts but that hasn't worked at all he is controlling so therefore we are currently in £5000+ debt with all of our utilities bills and mortgage. I feel hopeless. Hope you are ok! xx

by Sam0918

1 of 8 posts

First alcohol, now drugs... by

All i can say to this is that i really wish my Ex was in the same position as what your boyfriend is in now. Its so good that he wants to change. and i would be hurt too if he wouldn't let me in and see how he is changing and the progress that is he making. So what is the next step, you just stop talking to him until he is ready to talk to you again? I think from what he has said to you already that he will recall the feelings he has for you, just don't hang onto his every word, you will only hurt yourself in that process. Hope you are ok and keeping safe in times like this xx

by Harl

7 of 38 posts

When is enough, enough? by

That's good, let us know how it all goes! i will be thinking of you over Easter! i think that's a really good idea. There is nothing worse then going into work and all you do is think about what is happening at home! Yeah i haven't left my little one since that happened now even for 5 minutes, i just can't trust him. I have that horrible feeling in my belly that hes going to do drugs again tonight. Mainly because its payday for him, but we need to pay the mortgage today and i know which one is going to take president! He leaves things lying around all the time. Whenever i go back into the living room where he has been doing it all night i have to do a quick sweep of the room and hoover before the little one can go in. its horrible that i have to do that. I keep on wishing away time and hoping that i will just blink and it will be all over, then i feel guilty because that must mean i want to skip the time with my son too. i desperate for all of this to be over and its just me and my little boy together! xx

by

3 of 9 posts

Heartbroken by

It is so expensive, I completely understand where you are coming from when you say its either rehab or a funeral, its so heartbreaking. I definitely don't have the money to put my ex into rehab. I told his dad who wanted to help him and he offered the money to do it. His dad earns less that what my ex does and it just wouldn't be fair to take money off him. My sister said that it wouldn't work for him type of addiction and that he could stop for 2-4 weeks that he was there but it is a protected environment and wont help him deal with it while he is back at home. But there have been success stories with rehab. The groups are free and supported by charities, you will be surprise how many there are around your areas, I thought I was out in the sticks but there are so many to choose from. I don't know what the alternative is at the moment with everything being closed down. Its such good news that he has recognised that he wants to get the help and needs it, that's a really good start, i wish my ex was in the same position! I've tried the stopping enabling business with my ex but he is so controlling (we still live together pending the sale of our flat that isn't going to happen for ages now because of what is going on!) he will just do it in the flat and i cant do anything about it, i cant kick him out because he wont move as he says that the flat is his, but he never put a penny towards the deposit or the fees when buying the flat, it was all me and my parents. But his name is on the mortgage so legally it is his! I have tried to flush the drugs if i see them but he can snatch them back off me and i don't want him to hurt me. I don't know what i can really do to stop enabling him?

by

2 of 6 posts

Fed up of being strong by

I'm also in the same position. Recently i have taken the step to spilt up with my partner. He is addicted to cocaine and has been doing it since he was 18, he is now turning 31. I have been with him for 10 years. He is also the father of my child. We are currently living together pending the sale of our flat. My parents said that they would lend me money to try and buy him out and put my dad on the mortgage with me. But like he said to me "if i'm going down, your going down with me" and that's fine. but what he doesn't realise that for me and my son its only up from here. He is still taking drugs around our son and to be honest it has only just got worse. he would come back from a night shift and sniff a line while the little one was eating breakfast. i would just have to get my son dressed and run out of the flat until i knew it was safe to go back in. He took my company car while he was up all night drinking and doing drugs (he must have got through 3 grams that night by himself) and drove it to pick up his sister that is also an addict as she was having a panic attack about people following her. When i found out in the morning that my car was gone i was beside myself, not only was this my car but who else was on the road that he could crash into or hurt? i now go to bed with my car keys and keep the spare at my parents house. He has previously been done for drink driving while i was pregnant and i stayed with him through that. But hes becoming more and more reckless and i know know what to do? He guilt tripping me because he says it because i'm leaving him. But i cant do this anymore and i spend most of my nights crying and not knowing whats going to happen in the future. I'm scared that he will OD or seriously hurt himself. Hes tried to get help but ends up thinking that hes better than anyone else at the meetings. What can i do to make this better until we sell the flat?

1 of 6 posts

Help please partner is back on cocaine by

Hello Lola, I completely understand where you are coming from. The father of my little boy is addicted to cocaine and constantly hides it from me. he has been an addict since he was 18 and is soon to turn 31 (even though we are not in a relationship we still live together pending the sale of our property) There would be times i would pick up his trousers and rolled up notes and straw would tumble out and it would break my heart. I felt like he was the love of my life and he was all i had, but that not true. it took me a long time to figure it out. I'm not saying to spilt with him but you need to also think of yourself. you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. its so hard when people say that and i hated it, but its so true. We went to groups but it only made him worse as he thought that he was better than everyone else there and that he didn't really have a problem. if your other half wants to go to the groups brilliant! And if it has worked previously then even better. Support him by talking to him about the group and the people he met there. Suggest to do something after the group that made you both happy before like going for a walk or a drive afterwards. there is something about a little road trip and talking in the car that helps as you are not directly looking at each other and can focus on the road ahead and you will soon see the words come out. I was complicit in taking the drug with him for around the 6 out of 10 years we were together. he introduced me to it and it was fun at first but then it was every other day he was taking it, he would even do a line before work to get himself through the day. i was stuck in a rut and had the feeling of "well if you can't beat them, join them" and that was the worse advise i could give to myself. Stop while you can and if you can, it wasn't until i had our baby that it all stopped for me. i focused on the little life inside me and i didn't want a child to grow up having any difficulties as i would only blame myself forever. Everyone's stories and situations are different, but self care and looking after yourself takes a back seat when living with someone with an addiction. Do something for yourself, take a long bath or re connect with a friend. I also found that writing everything down and keeping a journal helped me as i would write to myself and figure out that he has his own journey and so do it. sometimes they just don't go in the same direction no matter how hard you try. In my opinion the relationship can only work if he is willing to change. But firstly be that support and be therefore him if he wants to take the step. I hope this has helped

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