Talk about your experiences with others.

Posts by Heartbroken88

joined

30 posts in 10 threads

Feeling the devastation by

Yes my understanding is that it takes some serious commitment and there’s no way he has just given it up. It’s the not knowing what he wanted. If he had stuck with that he wanted help then we might not be heading for divorce but as it is it’s too late. He decided to get married and he decided to have a family but he has never ever put me or his children first. Unfortunately I was already pregnant when this behaviour reared it’s head as obvious. I am thinking of myself and trying to move on but he has made things very difficult with not cooperating when any rational person would just cooperate. It’s truly heartbreaking for me and I guess I’m going through grief as I never wanted my Marriage to end

by Cali111

3 of 7 posts

Anyone relate tho these addiction behaviours by

I can relate to all of those things too. It keeps me going coming on here and reading things I could have written myself although I’m truly sorry for those going through it because it is hell on earth. I don’t know the man I married. I actually don’t know if it’s the cocaine or the way he was secretly. There was a lot of selfish behaviour prior to when the cocaine got really bad (I had no idea and it never crossed my mind to be drugs). But did I ever think he would do the things he has done to me? No. Nor our very young children. Even sly things. I can add a few extra thoughts: They can’t see rationally or reality (and blame everyone else/you - gas light you even) They act extreme instead of rationally to get their own way They look different physically Avoid responsibility sometimes not in the obvious ways They can be sly - which is different I think to a lie because it’s more calculated They ‘hate’ you yet they can’t leave you alone They play the victim and latch to anyone who falls for it whilst pointing the finger of blame to you The hardest part is how they somehow turn it around to you. Our relationship, etc etc. It was over years ago so they say yet they don’t walk away?! And in my case there were many an opportunity but I had no idea it was cocaine and thought it was a blip and with no concrete evidence of anything (although I could see it crumbling but was led to believe it was my emotional state) I wanted to desperately save my marriage! How I wish I’d ran for the hills and never looked back because the web they weave is invisible until you are thoroughly tangled in it.

Does Cocaine & Alcohol Totally Change a Person To The Point Of No Return? by

I could have written your post myself. It’s almost reassuring to read because it makes me feel less alone and less crazy - the behaviour is almost text book, why do they do it when they make it plainly clear how much they ‘hate’ us and don’t want to be with us ans we are to blame. I have two young children, also going through a divorce and also in the manipulation/ mind games even though we are separated there always seems to be something he wants to torment me about - makes it like it’s about the kids but like you say never really asks about them. Mine are so young that they actually don’t know him. Also he wouldn’t engage with solicitor etc for 4 months when I started a divorce ans even now isn’t fully aware of what’s going on. Only thinks of himself ans his own selfish needs. Like you say how can they choose this over a family - wife and children. It’s heartbreaking. I am sure even though it is hard, one day they will see the damage and what they lost. If not I too fear it could be that knock at the door to say the worst has happened. It’s truly devastating. My life is destroyed and I literally had no idea or inkling that it was drugs. Take care

by Cali111

1 of 23 posts

Do cocaine addicts change ? by

I’m so sorry you are going through this and I relate hugely. I too have had from my husband for the past two years hatred and blame and that I am the problem - saying he wants a divorce, asking me to leave etc. The thing is until a few months ago I didn’t know it was cocaine. I was relieved and he said he wanted his family back. There was an answer and it wasn’t an affair - as I knew something was off - but never ever imagined drugs. He has since got worse. Rarely says anything remorseful. We live separately hundreds of miles away and I started a divorce process. I feel bad reading the other posters comments here from a view of an addict, because I did call him out on his behaviour and I have told some members of his family - in defense of myself (ive been accused of trying to swindle him) and also in hope they would get him support and help. I have been angry frustrated and totally let down by him. I can’t be the one taking the brunt of this addiction- which I have been - believing it was me who was the problem. We have two very very young children and he hid this huge problem from me and done it in our family home, and then supervised his children - unknowningly to me. It’s unforgivable. The arguments between us got so intense to the point of physical- I’d get frustrated at the nasty name calling which was totally unjust and I truly believed I was a problem. His family think I was the problem. But I was on to him and his behaviour and when I decided to leave (before I even knew it was drugs) he must have become desperate. I cottoned on to the drugs as a possibility by accident- he took money from my purse - I don’t work and he is a high earner - this was after a huge fight, which I came off physically injured. Someone close to me suggested drugs, I did the research and and put two and two together. I was right - and he eventually admitted after of course denying it and making me out to be crazy but I was right because via my research their behaviour is text book but I didn’t know that about drugs. I feel for you. Because when I found out I was relieved and would I have supported him, yes. But I think I was naive. I needed proof and commitment to his recovery which he hasn’t been forthcoming with and actually his hatred to me had become worse. I am devastated that our children now don’t have a father - he isn’t willing to put them first to recover and that is truly devastating. I do look at myself and wonder if I had reacted differently or been kinder would it have mattered. But he isn’t in a place to help himself and I’ve played nice, not nice, impartial and nothing makes a difference. There is no ration and reason and for us we take all of the emotional brunt and blame - even to their families and friends. I just couldn’t and can’t do it anymore for the sake of the children.

Cocaine Addict Partner by

Your experience sounds similar to mine, I too have had to involve the police and I have questioned myself in my reactions but like you say the constant abuse for me it would be the c word and nag and it really isn’t ever justified for taking it that far. All couples argue but he would go the extra and get nasty. Then tell me I was the one acting like a ‘b end’. Now I know it’s cocaine it completely all makes sense because it’s tactics to manipulate and justify using etc. But there is only so much you can take and for me I actually thought it was an affair but I was never going to get ration or reason out of him. I wish I’d known sooner. I’m embarrassed too because we are respectable people with good professions nice house etc which has all had to go. The final straw was the continued lack of respect for me & the name calling/temper in front of the children. It is very difficult I never imagined being a single parent this scenario I find myself in never crossed my mind & it’s difficult to talk about it when friends who don’t know etc say things like make sure you get help from him still with the children when I actually can’t (nor would I want it obviously!). His mind games and to-ing and fro-ing is a lot to take emotionally and of course I have hoped since finding out about the drugs that he would change and I’d get my husband back. I’ve accepted that won’t happen. To hear your partner has children who he doesn’t bother with much confirms how much this affects them and their relationships and inability to be consistent. I also really appreciate the other users post about her son, three years of this I can’t imagine. But I do worry about him constantly being in the background/ trying to have contract but not ever helping himself so no further forward and the children will suffer for it. Not right now maybe but mentally way off in the future as at some point they will know the truth I imagine and that is devastating for me to think this is what their lives has turned into when they were born into what seemingly was a lovely family home and marriage (my husband’s cocaine use started a few months before I fell pregnant first time, apparently and this makes sense with behaviour changes). It does give me confidence to not doubt myself or fall for any of the rubbish that comes out of his mouth because there’s no proof or consistency to say otherwise anything has changed. So these posts really help realise this is not unusual behaviour for an addict! It’s so sad. It’s said time again on here but it’s an evil drug. X

3 of 14 posts

When the going gets tough by

I’m so sorry to read this. I hope you are ok. Thank you for sharing your story, I know how you feel in terms of the addiction, lack of emotion, the not letting go. I only found out a few months ago my husband of only 4 years has been addicted to cocaine (every other day use) for at least the last two years of our marriage. It was a massive shock. We had a good life - good careers etc - on the outside we wanted for nothing. But inside it was miserable and I had no idea why. I put it down to becoming first time parents in a pandemic and him really struggling with the adjustment of fatherhood. His unusual behaviour was noted - coinciding with me getting pregnant with our twins who i have also basically raised single handedly and am doing now as a single parent completely (they aren’t even 2). He too goes days without checking in or asking about them. Even cut them off financially. That is hurtful in itself. Then he rings up / wants to see them, completely un- remorseful about anything. It’s text book behaviour isn’t it. We cling to hope that one day they will phone up and be remorseful (and mean it) and want the life / person back that they were and the life we should be living. We ask ourselves if we have been delusional- if our lives were ever even real. And we hide from friends because we are embarrassed to say what is really going on and why our marriages and father of our children are not in the pictures/ stepping up to responsibilities . It’s devastating. I have started divorcing my husband and it’s the hardest most gut renvhing thing. I’ve wavered a few times on proceeding with it hugely. I’ve offered a way back but he doesn’t see it. He just sees me as the the enemy. Sometimes I think I won’t find better or happiness. I get angry that this isn’t a common thing surely for people to go through. Affairs maybe?! Growing apart maybe? Being robbed a life by drugs - I don’t know many people I can relate to on that one. Being told over they don’t love you or like you and it’s your behaviour driving them to use, then occasional (rarely) being sent flowers and being told a divorce is hasty. There are up and down days. I try to remember on the down days the hurt (in my case emotional and even physical once) and the person that is no more. I too find days of calm when I don’t hear from him as awful as it sounds and I am slowly starting to prefer these days. My children get the best of me and it’s what they deserve. He doesn’t understand my upset or anger or hurt, or even respect the job that I’m doing with his children - because without being rude he is basically incapable (the fact he doesn’t check in on them at an age where they require 24:7 care proves that). Just sees me as a nag. Tells me I shouldn’t have had children if I find some days particularly hard. It’s a shocking attitude and a selfish one. I can’t say ive proof my husband cheated but I have a gut that he did. And as heartbreaking as it was to have this feeling (before I knew about the drugs) now I feel at peace with it. Because I am not the person he is - I have never used drugs and point blank would not use drugs and if he prefers the company of someone who does then so be it. And if they aren’t drug users themselves then they will only be getting manipulated and hurt in the same way as me. Not until they are ‘recovered’ will a relationship be for them what it was for us in the beginning. We can however go on (as hurtful as it feels to think) to make new meaningful ones. Which is what I hope one day I may do when I’ve healed a little and got more time/ not in lock down! It’s not easy but know there are us here who completely 100% get it. It’s like they read a textbook of how to behave. Xxx

by Lece13

1 of 9 posts

At a loss by

Needingstrength I’m so sorry to read your story. It’s devastating isn’t it and I can relate completely. I’m pleased Roy were able to write about the behaviour- in being abusive and bullying. My husband was this too and very controlling. I was always one to stand up for myself as I knew his behaviour was off (I had no idea it was due to drugs) which I can now see made things worse. I’m trying to understand addiction as an illness but he is yet to really admit that is what it is to himself. I know he is planning on moving away from the area we lived in and he won’t admit to me he is still using but I think he is. Weekends are hit and miss, and I get the odd random replies to messages in the middle of the nights - just not normal. I started divorce proceedings but despite him saying that’s what he wanted (because the cocaine was an escape from our marriage apparently- I can believe some of that because I was at my wits end of his behaviour and skirting responsibility!) he hasn’t replied to anything to do with it yet. I’ve tried - so hard despite this to get him to open up and he honest and find a way forward but I feel like until he gets out the normal he is in he has no intention of stopping and it will be a mask over it. I’m desperate for him to get help and despite all he has done and hurt us I just want him to get his act together for the sake of our children and if it really was the drugs making him so nasty then maybe much further down the line I might see my husband again but I think I am being very naive.

by Cxxx

11 of 59 posts

Cocaine recovery by

It sounds like you have thought a lot about your position. Thank you for the info on what you have been researching. It is so hard to be in this situation- and I feel for you that you are getting on with life with your son almost without him - this is exactly what I felt I was doing but I didn’t know he was using. So I never ever kept my cool with him. Constant arguments because he was resisting me highlighting his responsibilities he was neglecting - just turned me into being a ‘nag’ etc. There is no getting through to them until they want to do it for themselves. I wish I’d done what you had done and gathered myself financially. I don’t work due to our children being so young. Though I have a career which I put on hold to have our family. So I was financially dependent on my husband. Once he turned nasty he cut me and the children off financially too. He really didn’t care either and was quite pleased with himself because it was the only thing he had to use/ hurt me with. I had to start applying for benefits (which I have never done) and my family kept us in shopping and meals. He has destroyed every relationship through his nastiness. I don’t understand what is the drug and what is my husband because I think he has always been a bit selfish but to go from doting on his much younger siblings and nieces and nephews so to basically neglecting his own children is incomprehensible to me. My family are of the opinion it can’t just be the drug to be so vile and abandon us. But we know nothing about drugs or addiction. And I feel too that I can’t or could never forgive him for his behaviour. My children are so young they don’t know any different and they barely know him - they know his face but he has never done more than be physically present when absolutely necessary- he has never really played with them, or read to them or taught them anything. I feel like I need to protect them from him before they too get hurt and let down by him. They already have been but they don’t know that. It’s so tough, you sound strong. It’s something everyone tells me but I don’t feel it. I was really lonely with my husband because we were constantly against each other he would be in a separate part of the house from me of an evening, but I knew he was there. Now I’m on my own completely and it’s hard. Because you think of the good and not all the misery. And I think because I know it’s drugs now part of me wants or hopes he will miraculously be cured and I get the man I married back. It is so hard to accept.

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