Talk about your experiences with others.

Posts by HolKat

joined

36 posts in 12 threads

Relapsed after 4 month by

Thank you Kate for your comment ❤️ It’s been so hard for us both as I have really tried to support him, talk to him, help him access information and services, and I’ve had to just accept that only he can take that step and get the help and he either won’t or can’t. I have never just wanted to kick him out as I don’t have any animosity towards him at all I want him to be safe and be ok so I have continued to support him to find somewhere to live which is why it’s been 4 months and he’s still here! Its been so so hard but I could not have done it any other way, this is who I am. His boys always come first and have everything they need here and they will at his new home as well. I’ll never stop caring for him and having hope that he will get better x

Split up with my partner... by

So I told my partner 2 weeks ago I want to split up. We’ve been together almost 3 years. I knew when we met he had previously had support for problem drinking, then last year during the lockdowns he started drinking more and more. I told him I was concerned, he didn’t think it was a problem, it got worse...he wrote off my car in October, almost burned the house down after falling asleep with the oven on, he’s peed in the back garden when drunk. When his kids come, he drinks and then just falls asleep on the sofa all night and I do everything; put them to bed, make lunches, iron their clothes. He started going out and drinking outside, he’d go out for a ‘walk’ for hours and come back drunk, so so many times. He’s had a traumatic childhood, suffers with quite bad anxiety and can’t deal with stress or change very well. I’ve been living like this for months and posted on here a few times about different things that have happened. So I finally allowed the words to come out of my mouth and we’ve split up. We still have to live together until he can find somewhere to live, so now this is the hard bit. He’s struggling to deal with it, understandably, and when sober is basically avoiding me when he can. He’s still drinking though, and when he’s been drinking he texts me that he loves me and makes snide comments like ‘you said you loved me, you obviously don’t’. He’s not aggressive or anything like that, but it’s a massive emotional toll seeing how he’s not coping, feeling constantly guilty and on edge and of course massively worrying about him because I do care and want him to be ok. I really don’t know what’s going to happen, I kind of just want it to be over and for him to go, but I am wracked with guilt even though I have tried everything to support him and encourage him to get help, and I’m still terrified he’ll hurt himself either on purpose or accidentally. What a horrible, frightening thing addiction is. It’s really terrible. I hate that this is happening and I want more than anything for him to get help and be ok. I just can’t seem to get through to him and I don’t want to live more years of fear, anger, misery. Wish me luck getting through the next few weeks...

How to feel about it? by

No I think you’re absolutely right! I think he wants to, I don’t think he would ever want to go completely sober. I feel like it’s got to a point now though where it’s been made into such a big thing I don’t know if we’ll be able to get back to any kind of normality or nice relationship. If that’s how it is, that’s life, but it’s sad. I do try and be supportive but maybe I’m just overbearing LOL! I just believe in him and love him, I want the best for him that’s all. He came back about 8pm. No idea where he goes - he does walk a lot so he probably does just walk and walk for miles. I don’t really think he’s doing anything he shouldn’t but thoughts like that just get taken over by anxiety in my head and it’s hard fighting it off sometimes. God it’s like my counselling session on here isn’t it haha! Thanks for your comments. It’s nice to just have a space to express how I’m feeling and I appreciate people being there and responding, it really means a lot. Well I believe in you and I am sure many other people do! You’ve come this far and it’s one day at a time, like you said to me ☺️ You’re doing amazing ❤️ Xx

by Danman83

14 of 41 posts

Is leaving my alcoholic partner the answer? by

I can see your last 2 posts here 🙂 I’d also like to say thanks for all of the comments and support. It is terribly sad what people go through every day, but as you say it’s also really supportive to read about peoples experiences and take some comfort from knowing we’re not alone. This forum has shown me how unbelievably strong people are, to live through such adversity in seeing our loved ones in pain and struggling, whilst them struggling ourselves with our own emotions and feelings, fears and frustrations. Reading peoples stories and supportive comments really does give me a little bit of strength each day and makes me so grateful I found this forum ❤️

by Leda

2 of 8 posts

Will this ever get better? by

Hi VMac123 I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through, and I hope it’s been helpful to share here. I completely feel your pain and also go through this emotional turmoil constantly, every day. Also the no sex! He actually said to me once, why do we never have sex? I completely blew my top because why would I be in any mood for intimacy when he had been drinking most days and lies to me and doesn’t ever listen to me or talk to me about anything. I have just been saying in another post, I do not want to live my life like this or have our relationship like this but I feel a massive guilt and responsibility and that’s what is stopping me at the moment, that is my biggest struggle. My partner has no family and pretty much nowhere to go so I genuinely don’t know what he would do if I said it was over. I would be terrified he would fall more deeply into drinking and all these what if’s just wear me down because I do still love and care about him so much. Keep talking and sharing, it has been so helpful to me to hear your experience and I am so sorry for what you’re facing x

1 of 2 posts

Alcoholic partner by

Hi The Bard Thank you for sharing your experience, I have felt very grateful reading it because I can relate to many of the things you’ve shared and I am having a really tough time at the moment. I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, we live together and he has 2 sons who I love to pieces. In the last 8/10 months I feel he has now become an alcoholic but he is completely unable to face it, to talk about it with me, and for me it is a huge weight because of that. As so many people say, when he is sober things are great. We spend time together, we do normal things, we chat, we laugh, and I love the time we spend together when he’s sober. The other side of it is he now does the whole secretive thing too which I massively struggle with because what it means is, he now will not drink in the house because I will ‘nag’ him so he goes out on walks round the local park but buys cans of lager to drink when he’s out. This in itself is so hard for me because honestly, its embarrassing that he is a 37 year old father and he sits in the park drinking. I’ve literally begged him now not to do it, I’ve begged him to please just drink in the house and I won’t say anything, but he won’t do it. I have recently realised that this is a replacement for the way he used to drink, which was when he had finished work. The thing you also said about how the next day it’s like nothing has happened, I hear you. There have been so many occasions he’s been drinking and I’ll try talking to him at the time (and get nowhere) then the next morning it’s like all back to normal. Then I think to myself, it’s better to talk to him when he’s sober, but that’s a complete no go. He either completely ignores me and changes the subject or walks off. Like literally, just gets up and walks out of the room when I’m in the middle of talking. Back in October, he wrote off my car and told me he was suicidal. In December he left a very high pressure job which I praised him for, I tell him all the time I want him to get the help and support he needs and I will be there with him every step of the way. He has had bits of work since December but is now unemployed. Neither of these things have stopped him drinking, make him get help or stopped him lying and being secretive. My feelings are that if he cannot accept this problem and get help, I can’t be with him. I do not want to spend years and years of my life unhappy, being lied to and ignored when I talk about things that upset me or when I try to offer support. It will grind me down and I will become a person who is not truly me and who I don’t want to be, it’s already started to happen. But I feel this huge weight of guilt and responsibility and I can’t get away from feeling I am a terrible person if I leave him. All I want more than anything in the world is for him to take that one step, admit it’s a problem and ask for help, and I have told him many times in a loving empathic way I will stick by him to get the help he needs, I will do anything he needs me to do to get better. But how long do I wait? I just go through this constant back and forth inside myself every minute of every day and it is emotional turmoil. At the moment this is where I’m at: I don’t believe he is ready to admit it’s a problem, get help or change. I do not judge him for that at all but I don’t want to live my life like this or have our relationship in this way. Every single day all that goes through my mind is ‘say it, tell him, tell him if he won’t get help it’s over’ but every day I can’t say it. I currently feel like I couldn’t live with myself if I actually did it and I have completely taken on responsibility for him, his life, his feelings. I’m genuinely scared that it will continue to get worse and I will continue to not leave and I don’t want to live this life.

by The Bard

1 of 5 posts

Do I accept he doesn't want to give up? by

I can relate to where you’re at right now so much! My partner also doesn’t have a secure job at the moment and I do, but also what you said about time. I’ve done exactly the same since about October. Let’s just get Christmas out of the way...oh I’ll just wait until his birthday has passed (in January)...let’s wait now until after his sons birthday (February)...when will lockdown end, maybe then he can get a secure job and it will be easier. But then, he’s had 3 days this week he’s been sober, we’ve had lovely evenings together, great conversations, and it’s like in my mind those 3 days sober are an excuse for me to go easy on him because I want more than anything for him to stay sober, for him to WANT to stay sober and for everything to be ok because I love him so much. But then today, out walking for hours, came back drunk. Knew I was annoyed so came in and went straight up to bed. Sat apart all evening and haven’t spoken. So it’s moments like NOW I want to tell him it’s over, but then all I can think is, like you, what his reaction will be and is it really the right moment to do it when he’s been drinking? One of the hardest things I think it’s accepting that whatever their reaction is, that is not our responsibility. The choices they make are not our choices, we cannot control that even if we think turning a blind eye or putting it off feels like the better thing to do to avoid an adverse reaction. I can’t say I’ve been in your position where he’s needed medical treatment and that must be extremely scary. But none of that is your fault, or mine, or anyone’s. That is a choice they make. But as I said, that’s one of the hardest things to deal with and accept and perhaps part of the reason we stay around, because we might feel guilty or blame ourselves for leaving and where they will end up. Im also really struggling with this lockdown. I feel really low myself, I’m finding work really stressful and can barely motivate myself to go for a walk or leave the house at all for days. I’ve put on so much weight I’ve got aches and pains, I just want to sleep all the time and when I’m not working I just sit mindlessly watching TV. I have my family who I speak to but they don’t know anything that’s going on and I don’t really have any close friends to talk to. So this with my partner is just one more thing in a long line of things I feel like I am barely coping with right now. I hope we can all keep talking and one day move towards the solution that is right for each of us. Thinking of you all, stay safe xx

by Roundy

7 of 30 posts

My story - drinking, mental health and covid by

Thanks so much for your response, it really means a lot. It's such a tough one because I feel like I can really understand where it stems from, he absolutely has low self esteem and has not been treated well his whole life by his dad, his siblings and in other relationships. I always hoped I could be a more positive influence for him because I am a supportive person, I am cheerful and hopeful and ambitious but I just can't compete with all the terrible things we've all been through in this past year. How amazing that you son has been clean for 80 days! What an unbelievable achievement you must be so proud! I know there is so much support out there for him and he could get so far if he could just admit its a problem and take that step, I can only imagine how scary that would be for him, it just breaks my heart every day that he isn't there and can't seem to take that step. Its the pure guilt I feel as you say, how can I leave him when he is like this, but also how much can I give before I have to put myself and my own future first. It's just this cycle of sympathy and guilt and anger. I do my best to try and show I love him and will support him, it's just hard sometimes when it feels like every day he lies and dismisses everything. I suppose we'll see what happens but I will keep trying. Thank you again, it means a lot to know there is support out there and others who have similar experiences.

by Lindyloo

2 of 4 posts

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