Talk about your experiences with others.

Posts by HolKat

joined

30 posts in 9 threads

How to feel about it? by

No I think you’re absolutely right! I think he wants to, I don’t think he would ever want to go completely sober. I feel like it’s got to a point now though where it’s been made into such a big thing I don’t know if we’ll be able to get back to any kind of normality or nice relationship. If that’s how it is, that’s life, but it’s sad. I do try and be supportive but maybe I’m just overbearing LOL! I just believe in him and love him, I want the best for him that’s all. He came back about 8pm. No idea where he goes - he does walk a lot so he probably does just walk and walk for miles. I don’t really think he’s doing anything he shouldn’t but thoughts like that just get taken over by anxiety in my head and it’s hard fighting it off sometimes. God it’s like my counselling session on here isn’t it haha! Thanks for your comments. It’s nice to just have a space to express how I’m feeling and I appreciate people being there and responding, it really means a lot. Well I believe in you and I am sure many other people do! You’ve come this far and it’s one day at a time, like you said to me ☺️ You’re doing amazing ❤️ Xx

by Danman83

14 of 41 posts

Is leaving my alcoholic partner the answer? by

I can see your last 2 posts here 🙂 I’d also like to say thanks for all of the comments and support. It is terribly sad what people go through every day, but as you say it’s also really supportive to read about peoples experiences and take some comfort from knowing we’re not alone. This forum has shown me how unbelievably strong people are, to live through such adversity in seeing our loved ones in pain and struggling, whilst them struggling ourselves with our own emotions and feelings, fears and frustrations. Reading peoples stories and supportive comments really does give me a little bit of strength each day and makes me so grateful I found this forum ❤️

by Leda

2 of 8 posts

Will this ever get better? by

Hi VMac123 I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through, and I hope it’s been helpful to share here. I completely feel your pain and also go through this emotional turmoil constantly, every day. Also the no sex! He actually said to me once, why do we never have sex? I completely blew my top because why would I be in any mood for intimacy when he had been drinking most days and lies to me and doesn’t ever listen to me or talk to me about anything. I have just been saying in another post, I do not want to live my life like this or have our relationship like this but I feel a massive guilt and responsibility and that’s what is stopping me at the moment, that is my biggest struggle. My partner has no family and pretty much nowhere to go so I genuinely don’t know what he would do if I said it was over. I would be terrified he would fall more deeply into drinking and all these what if’s just wear me down because I do still love and care about him so much. Keep talking and sharing, it has been so helpful to me to hear your experience and I am so sorry for what you’re facing x

1 of 2 posts

Alcoholic partner by

Hi The Bard Thank you for sharing your experience, I have felt very grateful reading it because I can relate to many of the things you’ve shared and I am having a really tough time at the moment. I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, we live together and he has 2 sons who I love to pieces. In the last 8/10 months I feel he has now become an alcoholic but he is completely unable to face it, to talk about it with me, and for me it is a huge weight because of that. As so many people say, when he is sober things are great. We spend time together, we do normal things, we chat, we laugh, and I love the time we spend together when he’s sober. The other side of it is he now does the whole secretive thing too which I massively struggle with because what it means is, he now will not drink in the house because I will ‘nag’ him so he goes out on walks round the local park but buys cans of lager to drink when he’s out. This in itself is so hard for me because honestly, its embarrassing that he is a 37 year old father and he sits in the park drinking. I’ve literally begged him now not to do it, I’ve begged him to please just drink in the house and I won’t say anything, but he won’t do it. I have recently realised that this is a replacement for the way he used to drink, which was when he had finished work. The thing you also said about how the next day it’s like nothing has happened, I hear you. There have been so many occasions he’s been drinking and I’ll try talking to him at the time (and get nowhere) then the next morning it’s like all back to normal. Then I think to myself, it’s better to talk to him when he’s sober, but that’s a complete no go. He either completely ignores me and changes the subject or walks off. Like literally, just gets up and walks out of the room when I’m in the middle of talking. Back in October, he wrote off my car and told me he was suicidal. In December he left a very high pressure job which I praised him for, I tell him all the time I want him to get the help and support he needs and I will be there with him every step of the way. He has had bits of work since December but is now unemployed. Neither of these things have stopped him drinking, make him get help or stopped him lying and being secretive. My feelings are that if he cannot accept this problem and get help, I can’t be with him. I do not want to spend years and years of my life unhappy, being lied to and ignored when I talk about things that upset me or when I try to offer support. It will grind me down and I will become a person who is not truly me and who I don’t want to be, it’s already started to happen. But I feel this huge weight of guilt and responsibility and I can’t get away from feeling I am a terrible person if I leave him. All I want more than anything in the world is for him to take that one step, admit it’s a problem and ask for help, and I have told him many times in a loving empathic way I will stick by him to get the help he needs, I will do anything he needs me to do to get better. But how long do I wait? I just go through this constant back and forth inside myself every minute of every day and it is emotional turmoil. At the moment this is where I’m at: I don’t believe he is ready to admit it’s a problem, get help or change. I do not judge him for that at all but I don’t want to live my life like this or have our relationship in this way. Every single day all that goes through my mind is ‘say it, tell him, tell him if he won’t get help it’s over’ but every day I can’t say it. I currently feel like I couldn’t live with myself if I actually did it and I have completely taken on responsibility for him, his life, his feelings. I’m genuinely scared that it will continue to get worse and I will continue to not leave and I don’t want to live this life.

Do I accept he doesn't want to give up? by

I can relate to where you’re at right now so much! My partner also doesn’t have a secure job at the moment and I do, but also what you said about time. I’ve done exactly the same since about October. Let’s just get Christmas out of the way...oh I’ll just wait until his birthday has passed (in January)...let’s wait now until after his sons birthday (February)...when will lockdown end, maybe then he can get a secure job and it will be easier. But then, he’s had 3 days this week he’s been sober, we’ve had lovely evenings together, great conversations, and it’s like in my mind those 3 days sober are an excuse for me to go easy on him because I want more than anything for him to stay sober, for him to WANT to stay sober and for everything to be ok because I love him so much. But then today, out walking for hours, came back drunk. Knew I was annoyed so came in and went straight up to bed. Sat apart all evening and haven’t spoken. So it’s moments like NOW I want to tell him it’s over, but then all I can think is, like you, what his reaction will be and is it really the right moment to do it when he’s been drinking? One of the hardest things I think it’s accepting that whatever their reaction is, that is not our responsibility. The choices they make are not our choices, we cannot control that even if we think turning a blind eye or putting it off feels like the better thing to do to avoid an adverse reaction. I can’t say I’ve been in your position where he’s needed medical treatment and that must be extremely scary. But none of that is your fault, or mine, or anyone’s. That is a choice they make. But as I said, that’s one of the hardest things to deal with and accept and perhaps part of the reason we stay around, because we might feel guilty or blame ourselves for leaving and where they will end up. Im also really struggling with this lockdown. I feel really low myself, I’m finding work really stressful and can barely motivate myself to go for a walk or leave the house at all for days. I’ve put on so much weight I’ve got aches and pains, I just want to sleep all the time and when I’m not working I just sit mindlessly watching TV. I have my family who I speak to but they don’t know anything that’s going on and I don’t really have any close friends to talk to. So this with my partner is just one more thing in a long line of things I feel like I am barely coping with right now. I hope we can all keep talking and one day move towards the solution that is right for each of us. Thinking of you all, stay safe xx

by Roundy

7 of 30 posts

My story - drinking, mental health and covid by

Thanks so much for your response, it really means a lot. It's such a tough one because I feel like I can really understand where it stems from, he absolutely has low self esteem and has not been treated well his whole life by his dad, his siblings and in other relationships. I always hoped I could be a more positive influence for him because I am a supportive person, I am cheerful and hopeful and ambitious but I just can't compete with all the terrible things we've all been through in this past year. How amazing that you son has been clean for 80 days! What an unbelievable achievement you must be so proud! I know there is so much support out there for him and he could get so far if he could just admit its a problem and take that step, I can only imagine how scary that would be for him, it just breaks my heart every day that he isn't there and can't seem to take that step. Its the pure guilt I feel as you say, how can I leave him when he is like this, but also how much can I give before I have to put myself and my own future first. It's just this cycle of sympathy and guilt and anger. I do my best to try and show I love him and will support him, it's just hard sometimes when it feels like every day he lies and dismisses everything. I suppose we'll see what happens but I will keep trying. Thank you again, it means a lot to know there is support out there and others who have similar experiences.

Finally broken by

Hi there, I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through. After such a long time, all that stands out to me is how strong and resilient you are and how you have always tried to make the best decision for your children and that is so admirable. I am not quite in the same situation, as I have only been with my partner for 2 and a half years, but he has been drinking more and more this year and constantly lies to me and will not talk about anything or even address how he feels, how I feel, he doesn't see it as a problem at all. I am already at a point where I don't trust him, I feel like I am being taken for a fool and I want to leave, I am so angry with him but I feel so guilty about it. I suppose the way I am coping at the moment is just taking it day by day, going along with whatever when he's sober, ignoring him when he's drunk and distracting myself with my own interests and work in between. It's not ideal and like you, it's not really practical to leave right now which is taking it's toll on me emotionally as I am sure you are experiencing as well. I am trying to make some plans of what will happen when it becomes a bit more possible to leave really, and trying to manage the guilt and sadness and anger in between. I don't know if this helps but I hope you're ok and remember how strong you are. Take care x

I feel very lonely by

Hello Jilly, I have just registered and reading your post has really struck a chord with me as I am having some similar issues with my partner. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and I feel like I can really relate to a lot of it. I, like you, feel extremely lonely and I don't know what to do next - everything going on with the lockdown and Covid is also not helping. I will tell you my story and perhaps we can help each other out, I don't speak about this much to anyone either. I have been to some support groups but I don't even tell them everything and I sometimes just tell them things are ok when they're not. I've been with my partner for 2 and a half years. When we met he told me he has had some issues with drinking in the past, but when we met I didn't think his drinking was an issue as he didn't drink to excess, just a couple on a weekend. He has had quite a traumatic childhood, losing his mum when he was 11 and his dad then becoming and alcoholic and neglecting him until he left home at 16. He works as a chef and in the time we've been together, I've seen how his job has had a really negative impact on his mental health. This year he was on furlough for 2 months and he was like a different person, in a good way! He was in a great mood and really looking after himself without the stress of work. He was starting to have a drink more and more often but it didn't feel like a huge issue then, just a few drinks in the evening. He then went back to work but under more pressure than ever, working in a restaurant with skeleton staff and working 60-70 hour weeks. He started coming home from work every night either already drunk after drinking at the end of his shift, or bringing drinks home and getting drunk at home every single night. He then continued drinking on the nights he wasn't at work. When I started telling him I was concerned, he carried on but started hiding it from me. He would put some of the cans in the regular bin instead of the recycling, and sometimes would get up in the morning and take recycling out before I got up. I tried to be really supportive, offering to help him get some support, suggesting other things we could do in the evenings, offering to pick him up from work. He still drank every night and just started getting more annoyed that I kept going on about it, constantly telling me he was 'fine' and not concerned about his drinking. I worked out he was drinking 40-50 units a week. His work got more and more stressful and his mental health was really spiralling. One night back in October when he'd taken the car to work, he drove home and crashed into a curb, and my car was written off. He said he hadn't drank over the limit but I don't know if that's true. He got home with the wheel hanging off telling me he wanted to die, it was traumatic. He eventually just left his job in December, handed in his notice with no other job. I praised him for it because I couldn't bare to see him suffering any more, he was so depressed and just wouldn't stop drinking. I really thought things would get better and he would take a positive turn and stop drinking but that hasn't happened. Now, I am starting to just feel really upset and angry at him because I now am starting to feel like he is just treating me so horribly and taking me for a mug. He now goes out for a 'walk' but comes back 5 hours later and has been drinking, even thought he says he has no money. I ask him when he say's he going out walking, 'are you going to have a drink?' he says 'no, I have no money' but then comes back drunk. When he's sober and I try and talk about it, he just gets annoyed and walks away. He is incapable of talking about anything. At this point I just don't know what else to do. I care about him and want to help and support him, and I have offered him so much sympathy and support but he has just ignored it. I am angry with him that he just keeps lying to me constantly and I feel like an absolute fool and feel like just leaving him. But now with lockdown and him having no job, I feel so guilty doing that and I even think if I told him it was over, he would just ignore me, or probably wouldn't be able to move out for a couple of months. Not to mention how guilty I feel even thinking about leaving him when he has an addiction which is an illness, he has mental health issues and what would that make me if I just walk out on him and don't support him. Wow...that was a long story sorry! But it actually feels good to write it all down. I don't know if this is helpful but maybe having some things in common we can chat about it and try and help each other. Take Care x

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