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Kate: so not long after writing this, £500 turned up in my account from my son, which was a lovely surprise and a step in the right direction. Have I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend xxx

There are so many stories like this on here, you are definitely not alone. Its very hard watching someone sitting there playing games all day. My son has a heroin problem and that is all he has done for the last few years. I am staying with him for a few days each week at the moment, and its frustrating to see his chances of a good life slipping away, he hasn't really worked properly for a few years, just the odd short-term contract here and there. He had a brilliant job,earned good money and now its all gone, and he's been on UC for the last few years. He now has a willing doctor who signs him off for 3 months at a time without really questioning what he is doing to help himself. I don't think they do anything until life becomes really uncomfortable, its very hard to watch. My son blames everyone else for his situation, and has become very selfish. All of this would be very hard to deal with in a marriage. My own experience has made me think that I would never put up with this from a partner but I know that things aren't that straightforward. Does he recognise that he has a problem that needs addressing? I feel for you, its a horrible situation.

Many on here are supporting children going through addiction and will understand what you’ve said about feeling empty and not being able to cry anymore. If my son had a partner I wouldn’t blame them at all for walking away and making the decision the they don’t want that chaos in their life. I think words are easy, addicts are full of promises that they probably hope to honour but when it comes to it, have no power to follow through with. If you can’t see real change and don’t want this life you should go. If I had a daughter living with an addict I’d be begging her to get out. It will hurt your husband but you didn’t cause this and you can’t solve it. Ten years is a long time.

It’s not her pushing you away it’s the addiction. It’s so hard for you though. She doesn’t want to face up to it yet, but that day can come at any time. Somehow we have to stay sane and have lives of our own in the meantime. It’s so hard I know. All you can do is be there when she’s ready, and try not to be manipulated by what is driving her. You will get through it. There is a really good thread on here of a group of mums supporting each other. It’s the Theresa thread, with zillions of pages of messages about our children. You’ll be very welcome there and will find a lot of support.

Hello, Your story is so sad and hard to read, but so many people on this site will understand what you've been through and the helplessness you feel in not being able to stop your daughter from using. From your email, I guess you are in America. We don't really have fentanyl in the UK (thank goodness) or widely available rehab. I made the mistake a while ago of letting my son use heroin at home, on the understanding that he was 'working on it.' He didn't work on it at all, he cut down a little bit sometimes but nothing really changed and he just became further removed from real life. I look back now and I should have enforced boundaries around using at home. It would have forced the situation but that would have made him confront it earlier on. Once they are using its an uphill battle to get a good outcome and you have to protect yourself and the rest of your family. You didn't make your child start using drugs, and you/we can't solve this for them either. Its something they are going to have to confront and manage for the rest of their lives. I read a lot of threads on Opiates Recovery on Reddit, and there are lots of good outcomes, but I don't think this is ever very much to do with their parents, its about them really wanting to do it for themselves. That thread on Reddit could be a really good support for you, its a really good place to go and ask your own questions to people that have been through addiction or are going through it now. Your world is very different from ours because fentanyl is so potent and its easy to overdose. I really do feel for you and the fear that you must live with because of this. When I first got in touch with a help organisation when I first found out about my son and his heroin use, about 5 years ago, they told me to have strong boundaries, not to live too close to my son, and to focus on my own life. I managed to ignore all of it, and during Covid I let him take complete advantage and his presence cast a real shadow over our lives. I used to think that they were very harsh on my son, but now I think its realistic. You need to be the best you can be for your family and to help your child when she wants your help to get her life back. I look at the permanent stress, money I've spent, time I've wasted, and other family that I've not supported in the meantime and its not really done anything. I am not sure if that has been helpful, but please protect yourself and your family.

Hi James my situation is similar to everyone here. My son is 31 and has been using heroin on and off for 5 years. He hasn’t stolen from me but all his cash goes on drugs and he regularly asks for money from me making it very hard to say no. I read your post and it stopped me in my tracks. I just wondered what changed things for you, that got you to turn your life around and also kept you on that journey? It’s one thing to decide to get clean but seems like a monumental task to stay on that path. Thanks again for your honesty, it helps so much to hear from people who are on the other side of this.

Hello, I’m not sure what you are using. My only experience is my son who is a heroin addict. If this is where you are, I’d say you need to get out quickly, this is going to ruin your life and the lives of people who love you. There are really kind and helpful forums on Reddit for all kinds of addiction, Opiate Recovery is a very supportive community, but as I said that may not be what you’re looking for, but you can search for other groups. A relationship based on being intoxicated isn’t real and is about as unhealthy as it can get. You sound like a lovely person, but please wake up and start to value your own life. I hope you can get the support you need.

Hi, your situation sounds very stressful, I’m really sorry that your family are going through this. I have a son who has addiction issues and I find that hard to cope with, without having to worry about small children. I would talk to an addiction helpline, they will be able to support you with this. I have lent heavily on Drugsfam and they’ve been really helpful. This forum is full of amazing people who will also be there for you. Something that I have learned is to not keep it a secret between you and your wife. If you have relatives that you trust and know you both well I would probably confide in them. If you keep it a secret it adds another layer of stress and if people know what’s going on they can help. My son gets angry if anyone in our family finds out but I’ve decided that as it’s me that has to deal with the fall out I’ll decide if someone needs to know. Hopefully you may have someone who can help you with the children. I can understand why you don’t want Social Services involved and only you can decide on that. I really hope that your wife wakes up and can get the support she needs from local addiction services and Narcotics Anonymous. I guess no one chooses to become addicted to drugs/alcohol but that doesn’t make it any easier to cope with. I hope things improve for you all xxx

Your story is really sad, I am so sorry that you’ve been through all of this. It sounds like you are isolated and alone with this. The awful violence and drug taking should be the end, but it’s not always that simple when we love people who are not good for us. Please get help with your situation, maybe start with a domestic violence charity who can support you in getting to a safe place. You are worth a lot more than this. God bless you x

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I agree with MeStre, you got together very quickly and had there not been a baby I’m sure you’d have moved on as soon as you realised that your partner had a problem with alcohol. I grew up with a functioning alcoholic father and it was horrible and tainted so many family events/celebrations, and most meal times. You do need to talk to him about how you feel, but it sounds like he’s not ready yet to accept there’s a problem. Bringing a baby up on your own will be hard but it may be easier than bringing one up with an alcoholic. There is a really good helpline for relatives of people with drug/alcohol addiction called Drugfam, if you can, give them a call, they will support you through this. Good luck with this xxx