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Posts by Jamesb

joined

4 posts in 3 threads

Really annoyed with myself cocaine by

I hope you don't mind me messaging you both on here, but what you said Jay about messaging when you want to do it is so true. Don't you find when your either on it or on the come down you want to either talk about it or get help but then you sober up and just imagine like nothing happend and forget about it? I've wanted to get help so many times when it's 4am and I'm off my nut but then the next day when I should be making calls or doing something about it I refuse to think about it. Dan, I've read so many of your posts and you really have been helping so many people on here and have been so honest about what it's really like so massive respect to you on that mate we all know how hard it is. Can i ask you about the CA stuff? What is it really like and what's involved? And Jay if you want someone to start doing it with and you want to I'd be happy to sign up and start the same time and keep in touch through this forum to keep eachother motivated

Harsh reality of years of lies by

Hiya, thankyou for your kind words and thank you for responding. In all honesty Id love to give you a story or a reason as to why all of a sudden I've been able to stay off it recently but I can't. I honestly don't know. The reason I say that is because there has been countless times ive been at 'rock bottom' my and I've sworn to myself or others that I'd never touch it again and I always did. That's the scariest part about the addiction. The people who are really suffering are torn between wanting so bad to never think of coke again but the devil inside of them has such a tight grip. There's so many genuine scientific reasons why this is and ways cocaine chemically alters a person's way of thinking and tricks them into forgetting all the hurt so that they keep going back and I'd recommend anyone who is being affected by a partner or loved ones addiction to really research addiction and try to understand that the person who is addicted is probably fighting daily with an illness they have no control over. With that being said, it probably sounds silly for me or anyone to say that they feel like they have 'broken free' given the fact that I and most of us have time and time again slipped back to old habits unwillingly but i just feel different within myself. For example, for the first time I can remember I'm not thinking about my next payday in a week or so as in "who can I tick from now because its close enough to payday to get tick" but more like I can't wait to see what a months pay feels like without buying gear or thinking about even I'm actually going to buy myself some new trainers that I've needed now for months. Because even though trainers cost like £50 I'd not want to buy any but would think nothing of blowing 1000 in the first week of being paid on coke. To get back to things that can help you... How is your boyfriends standard of living? Does he somehow always seem to get by even when he's blown everything on coke? Does he regret or show that he wants to give up? Has it affected any friendships? Or relationship? His work? Anything like that? Is he besides the addition a good person / boyfriend? The thing I've found is that he may of like me got to a point where he manages to always survive and even though he may hate the part of him that's addicted he still has everything he needs around him so the good part of him that is the decent person hasn't been forced yet to fight off the evil part and the addiction. I have so many things I'd love to ask you for the girlfriends point of view like for example, why do Partners stay with someone who is treating them so bad when they know what they are doing but then equally (in some cases) seem to not want to help them over come the addiction and instead create a cat and mouse situation where they are always trying to catch them out or find evidence they are lying? Not saying you do that but I feel alot of guys have that scenario. Ultimately the only 2 things that will put a stop to addiction in my opinion are. The person really wanting to stop. And having support from the person they care about most. Sorry for the long message but it's nice to talk about this with someone from the other side. I hope you're okay and if there's anything I can do to help you please let me known

About to lose everything because of my cocaine addiction by

I'm going to try and keep this short as I've started writing on here countless times and never go through with it but I've been reading all of your posts for months. I'm 29 and have battled with cocaine addition for maybe 10 years now. In many ways I'm like 2 separate people, the person I portray who is successful, has a good career, well paid job and I have the natural ability to get along with everyone. Then the other side of me that I try to hide at all costs. I'm broke, in debt, I lie so much I can't even remember what the truth is anymore and my entire existence has become about cocaine and how I can get it. Im ashamed of who I am, there's people out there who would swear to you I am the nicest or best person they know but the truth is I am far from that. There is still a side to me that is that person and that small part I have left of the old me is how I've been able to get by for so long, by always being able to get paid well or make myself seem trustworthy. In the past 2 years I've lost my mum to cancer, my dad to a heart attack and me and my partner lost a child. In no way am I saying they are reasons for anyone to give me any sympathy because I have barely even acknowledged any of these things have happend and have used cocaine to simply block out any emotion I have felt. I now have a 3 month old daughter and Thougnt that magically when she was born I'd be able to stop but of course all I have done is distance myself from being home in order to carry on. I am heartbroken at who I have become and if I was looking from the outside in I would tell myself I am a worthless peice of shit. My daughter and girlfriend deserve so much more than who I have become but I can't seem to stop myself no matter how bad the consequences. I don't know what to expect from writing this but I can't keep living this way.

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