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Posts by Jamesb

joined

58 posts in 48 threads

How has coke become okay 50? by

Hi mate, I hope you're okay. This is a horrible situation you're dealing with and I know how hard it must be for you after so long together all of a sudden not recognising him. What's bizarre is that you say he's been only using for the last 6 months after the early years etc. Have you asked him outright why he is using coke? What's changed to make him want to use it because I can assure you that it isn't enjoyable when it's at the point you're lying to your partner and it's affecting your relationship. Where is he using can I ask? Is he doing it openly so that you know or is it a cat and mouse situation? No one ever wakes up one day and decides that it's a good idea to destroy their life and become an addict and I'm sure deep down the man you married is still in there. You're obviously aware of his addiction and he knows you are so maybe the best thing now is cards on the table. Ask him the hard questions, the whys and when's and the hows and offer him a life line. If he is remorseful and has sadly fallen victim to addiction and wants to work towards getting back to his sober self then please.support him as much as you can. But equally if he is not willing to accept his actions can't continue then take the necessary measures to safeguard yourself and your family Sending love James x

1 of 5 posts

Looking for people who have come out of cocaine addiction. by

Hi mate, hope you're okay Firstly just want to say you're not alone and by no means are you a bad person. Going from your name on here I'm pretty much the same age and can completely relate. I've never been in a relationship where the partner also gets on it and I used to think to myself oh man how good would that be but I have friends who's partners also use and reality is although you don't get the constant policing it is actually alot worse for the fact you can get away with it and if one of you doesn't want it, the other normally does. I get the whole thing about not wanting to reach out because you're worried that people may get involved with your kids etc because I have no doubt in my mind, despite your addiction you are both loving and decent parents. This is a tough one. Really the only thing that seems to really work is CA meetings but that involves attending meetings and takes up alot of time that you, as parents can't give up as you need to be home with your kids. I know it isn't as simple as talking to eachother and saying "for the kids let's just stop" because as nice of a thought that is, addiction and doesn't care if you're parents and will grip you no matter what responsibilities you have. Do you guys have close friends you can talk to? Tell them and ask them to manage your money so that it's harder for you to get hold of? People who won't judge? Can you maybe take it in turns going to ca meetings on alternative nights? But please understand this. You both have to do this together. The worst thing that could happen is one of you giving 100%and the other 50% where it leads to a situation where you're both questioning eachother if they been on it etc. You clearly love eachother and alot of addicts aren't lucky enough to have that person in their life. Draw up a list.of things you want. New car, family holiday. Anything and stick that on the wall and keep looking at it. Anyone who does gear knows that you get a mad bond with someone you get on it with. Find something else.for.you both to do together when the kids go to bed. Maybe youtube home work outs. I know it's never going to be as glamorous as getting the drinks in and a g and telling eachother how much you love eachother over and over again whilst off your nut but the reality is that this isn't living. Be honest with eachother, support eachother and keep pushing on. You got this. For.yourselves and your kids. Much love James x

Wrote this today by

Playing around on the guitar and this kinda just happend..... I guess it's basically about addiction and how I felt when I got clean the first time but it was too late and even though I was clean, the damage had been done. No one waiting at the finish line You took your time but you did it right. Your medal is you're free. Miss the excitement of the starting line. Tell your self just one more time Found no use of being free. Because you know the process, You've smelled the roses They let you down each time they bloom. There's no pretending It's only Wednesday But Fridays coming round real soon

Being honest, I'm worried about relapsing by

Woke up to the news today that my nan had passed away. We have always been close, to an extent she practically raised me as I'm a twin and I often went to stay with her and my grandad to help my parents out over school holidays etc. I lost both my parents other the last few years. My mum is 2018 and my dad in 2019. That's when my addiction really took grip. I've told my story on here before but, cocaine was always a fun weekend thing but when mum died I was distraught but found the second I sniffed a line, all my emotion was blocked out and I was able to function. Ultimately all it did was cause me a world full of pain and problems and put off me having to deal with greiving. A year later dad died but I was at time time already using daily, again, I didn't greive, I couldn't I had to hold it together and work to pay my bills but eventually I hit rock bottom and started recovery. It would have been my mum's birthday tomorrow and things haven't been good with my ex partner who hasn't let me see my daughter for the last few weeks (due to an argument caused by me expressing my frustration on the lack of time i get with her anyway. She's making a point that I should be grateful for any time given I was an addict and lied to her for so many years about it) but now my nan has gone that's it. I have no family left at all. Mums gone dad's gone, both sets of grandparents it's just me and my 2 brothers and I'm really finding it hard to deal with. I've suffered and lost so much but I've never dealt with it, just masked it with cocaine and I really don't know how much more I can take. By no means am I saying I'm going to go get some or anything but I'm saying I'm aware that I'm really struggling and I don't know the limitations of my sobriety yet as I've not had to deal with anything as big as this whilst recovering. I guess I'm just being honest and hoping if i don't keep it bottled up I won't snap and make that stupid split second decision to get on it

Boyfriend addicted to cocaine by

Hi mate, I hope you're okay. This topic is a really good one as I think it's really common. Infact it's exactly what I did. At one point I was really bad, I lost my parents and I was using alot every day and it was plain to see. I came clean, told my partner and told her I wanted to stop. In truth, like your partner, I didnt actually stop. I just massively reduced. In my mind at the time, I felt some pride in how I had managed to reduce it alot due to the quality of life Improving just like you said. I wasnt missing work, wasn't spending loads of money was spending alot more time at home and I think because my partner was so used to me being at my worst, she was fooled that this was me back to normal because the contrast was so easy to see. I convio myself that this was okay because the key to any relationship is compromise right? But because if I told her o was still using but just a little it was just a comprise she didn't need to know about and felt she should be happy with the changes I made. The problem is though, you can't just dip a toe. After a while the novelty of "the cut down" wore off. The new weekly planner I had in my head "right half a g on Monday then half a g Thursday then nothing at weekends" became okay just this week on Wednesday too, or oh I'm out for a curry Saturday night so I'll have a quick half after the meal with some beers and before I knew it, I was back hiding money, doing it daily and being deceitful again. It really is a case of, if you are an addict, and you want to stop, then it's a clear line in the sand (excuse the terrible choice of saying haha) Full stop no more, stop seeing friends who may influence you, stop drinking alcohol, find something you enjoy to keep you occupied, put measures in place to restrict your access to it ie your access to your money and ability to get it like deleting the numbers or telling the dealers your Mrs now knows they sell to you and if they answer to you again she will probably call police on them so it's best they ignore your calls (works a treat that one believe it or not) I give credit to your partner because he has made a big step and is clearing doing alot better, but you are right to worry that it will escalate because from experience it's not a case of if it will, it's when it will. Speak to him, ask him to read this response. Maybe even show him this forum and myself and a few others like Dan can talk to him and maybe get him to explore the 12 steps. Stay strong and hope you're alright James x

1 of 3 posts

Husband has just disclosed cocaine addiction...... by

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear this, I just got back from a night shift and I'm absolutely shattered so I'll come back tomorrow but the 70 grams in 6 weeks isn't that unrealistic for someone to do. At my worst I would buy 3.5 a day which cost 200 say 5 times a week so that over 6 weeks would be 6k If he's buying it as single grams and paying top dollar of 100 per the its not too far fetched to rack up a bill like that especially if some of the money was used on other things like drink. What I'd say though is for someone to be doing a large amount every day, there would be huge tell tale signs. He wouldn't of been sleeping and would look wrecked. Not eating He would of seemed massively "off" or weird to you His nose would have taken a battering He would have tried to avoid seeing you or spending time at home as much as possible. I really do hope you're okay and tomorrow I'll come back and go over it all again. There's plenty of people on here who can support you and offer you guidance so I'm glad you found the forum James x

by Noodles

1 of 18 posts

Me, the love of my life and his cocaine by

Hi Lola, I hope you're okay. That was a really well explained post. It's very clear love your husband wholeheartedly and I really must say it's great to see you acknowledge that despite his addiction, you know he is still and good man and also acknowledge he still holds many good and decent qualities because often people suffering with addiction are tarnished as being the lowest of the low and just bad people. I'll start by telling you that all of the problems he has found himself in, the loans, the loss of jobs etc are no reflection on his love and commitment to you. If anything being in a loving relationship when struggling with addiction is even harder because of the shame and guilt you feel knowing you have let your partner down. You sound like you're very clued up on addiction so I'm guessing you're aware of the way it takes control of a person, can make them do things they would never imagine they would. And even though they would sober hold values and morals that wouldn't for example ever allow them to consider stealing from work. Somehow, almost in a state of trance, when the addiction knows this is the only way it will be fed, somehow the person addicted will go through with almost anything they have to in order to continue using. From the outside in, it would be easy to say, well he has a family, and a partner who supports him. He has been too CA and worked the steps so it must be his own choice to return to it. I don't think this is the case. Alongside working the steps I would suggest he gets some 1 to 1 professional councilling. To really work out the route cause of why he uses in the first place. I really do believe, even if a person isnt even aware of it themselves. Deep down there is a reason why they can't stop themselves or a reason why they reach for this. Some people like myself used cocaine to block emotions when I went through losing my parents and then became a daily user. Some people may not have a specific event that started it but maybe a unhappiness within themselves like not feeling enough, or feeling under pressure for any reason or anything at all could of been a reason for using the drug. The drug like all drugs like paracetamol etc is used to treat pain of some sort. Often cocaine is used by the user to treat emotional pain and things get out of hand and then the cycle begins, cocaine causes more pain, so you mask that pain with cocaine, which then causes more pain and so on.... I really think of he can understand his reason for using it will help along with the steps and hopefully lead him to a full life of recovery. Stay strong Love is the cure for addiction James x

by LostB

1 of 7 posts

@danman83 moving on with your life by

I'm sorry if this isn't the done thing on here and I'm sorry Dan if this is over stepping the mark but I feel like this is a topic often over looked and reading a comment you posted earlier saying a little about your situation I was hoping you could give me some advice. The short of it is....... I was a cocaine addict, and I was and did everything that comes along with that. I lied to my partner for years, I hid money, I lied about where I was and I guess maybe at times I wasn't the nicest person to be around. But to this day I will still stand by the truth that I always loved her with every once of my being and never wanted to hurt her or cause her pain. I was battling daily the struggles of my addiction whilst the whole time trying to not get caught, trying to provide, hold down a job and all the things that seem so normal to the adverage man but to an addict it is a constant game trying to keep your head above water. She found out, funny really how for so many years I managed to just scrape by. Don't get me wrong. Deep down I think she knew but when I wasnt on it, I was loving and respectful and I hope a decent partner and the way it all came out was so silly. She left me on New year's Eve and to be honest I don't blame her. I can't imagine how she must of felt to find out that all the times I was "on call" doing call outs I was in fact just alone in my car using. Or that all the times I'd been screwed over by work and not paid my overtime or my expenses that infact I was paid but I either owed it out or kept it myself. It really was the lowest point of my life. I had no one, both my parents unfortunately passed a few years back so I didn't have them to turn too. All the "boys" who I honestly have done so much for over the years all have their own lives and didn't want to know through fear of their partners starting to question if they too get on it. I have sorted myself out since then and I don't need to tell you how hard it's been because normally when I've been sad, it's been my tool to block out pain but this time probably through lack of having money for the first time ony life (I lost my job when it all came out) I was able to stop for the first proper time. So the part I'm struggling with is I'm slowly starting to find my self again, I feel like me, a good man, i have no secrets anymore, I'm not lying to anyone, I'm working hard I'm honest but I'm still alone. I'm struggling to know what happens next, I thought if I stopped then the world would be all sunshine and rainbows. But instead, Im still not trusted, still labeled the gear head, my now ex doesn't know of there's ever a possibility of her being able to be with me again. And of course I completely understand, if I was them I'd probably feel the same but I'm really struggling with staying clean and doing everything I need to but living with the repercussions of the past. Do you think there is chance that you can get back to that life we had before the addiction. Where people saw you for who you are and not what you've done. If I could take it all back I would in a heart beat and I wish people could understand just how guilty I feel for my actions and understand that I wasn't myself and I was suffering with an illness but the truth is most people will never see it that way. Sorry man just struggling with that right now

My Boyfriends coke addiction by

Hey man, firstly, to the author of this Becky, Dan's advice is probably some of the best advice you could have been given. Everything he said i agree with too. @danman83 I've been hoping to catch up with you on here mate and reading just then the small part of your story I was hoping you could give me some advice too but haven't known how to go about it as you can't DM people. I'll start a new thread and if you don't mind I'd appreciate some guidance. Sorry if this is rude of me to use this thread to make contact but hopefuly the topic Im seeking advice for may be beneficial to others too James x

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