Talk about your experiences with others.

Posts by Jamesb

joined

22 posts in 18 threads

My husband and cocaine by

Hi ladies, I hope you are all okay. I've been reading the last few pages and wanted to say this... When I was at my worst, I was a disgusting partner, I never cheated, it's not something I personally could ever do but the lies and the argumentative stuff was there. I would get so caught up in my own lies and the story I spun that when she questioned me, I would make out that she's the bad person for not believing me, I'd manipulate any situation into her being to blame whilst all along it was completely fabricated. Someone mentioned about how cocaine high Jack's the brain. And I wish there was a way for people who haven't been addicts to experience what it's like. Imagine a tiny little creature was inside you and sat in your head like at the Controls of an aeroplane. It's your body it's your mouth talking but what you are saying isn't you, you say things that you never thought you where capable of, you call names you shout you become someone who if you met on the street you would consider vermin but somehow those things still come from your mouth. Despite all of that I loved my partner more than anything and would die trying to give her everything she deserved when I was sober but then somehow when I was craving or when I was on it I turned into the most vile human being. I guess the purpose of this comment is to tell you that your partners still love you and the person you love is still in there somewhere so please do everything you can to help them on their journey to getting clean. Stay strong but still know that there is a point where you may have to walk away but if your partners are anything like me, they want nothing more than to get clean and spend their days loving you in a world without addiction. It's just the hardest thing in this world to do

by Redfox20

1 of 364 posts

Cocaine Addiction - Feeling lost, alone and pretty helpless by

Hi, it's pretty late so I'll be quick but I'll come back to this tomorrow.. Please do everything you can now to get help if you haven't been caught out yet. Your comment saying when you get caught is when you lose everything is exactly what stopped me getting help for years because I was so scared that the second I came clean my entire world would fall down. In the end I did get caught. My entire world did fall down so the truth is that if you don't get help eventually you will be caught. If I could turn back the clock and reach out for help any of the 100 times I told myself I needed to then I would because it would have saved the heart ache of the things I did after that. Remember that you are suffering with an illness no different to any other mental health issue. People don't look down on people with depression and anxiety and if someone comes forward saying they need help with addiction they should be treated the same way. With respect and love. It will be a huge scary thing to come clean but please belive me that if you want to get clean then the first step will be the best thing you ever do. CA meetings are amazing. I hated the thought of going to one but honestly it's saved my life. They have them every night all over the country so I'm sure you could find one near you. Please don't be hard on yourself, be strong and remember what your reasons for getting clean are. There's a better life out there for all of us and I hope you find it x

Can I just say no? by

Hi Ceelen, I hope you're okay and I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope it's okay me commenting as I'm commenting from the other side of the fence. I just logged on with the intention of making a post asking for people opinions on this exact subject because I am a recovering addict and I'm finding it really hard to one come to terms with just how much pain I have caused my partner but also the realisation that, with the recovery process, I need her more now than ever but due to my own actions she no longer wants to support me which I completely understand and honestly I can't blame her. So..... Im sorry if this is subconsciously one sided trying to defend addicts as I've learned through recovery that all addicts myself included will always try and bend situations to suit them so please bare with me and I'll try and be as impartial and honest as I can be. I don't know the ins and outs of what your husband did, but if he had an addiction of any sort please know that it wasn't (completely) his choice. No one ever says to themselves, "I'm going to become addicted to drink or drugs and royally screw my life up. I'm also going to hurt the people closest to me, lie to them, steal from them and hopefully in a few years I'll lose everything". No one ever intends to do that but the truth is it happens. It happens gradually and some time an addict won't even notice. You mentioned he was high functioning. I was too. That meant it can go undetected for alot longer, he was probably still working, still providing but secretly the illness of addiction would have been gripping tighter and tighter. Now the lies, which happen in every situation with an addict, normally start with the best intentions. They start because the addict doesn't want anyone to know. Doesn't want the shame and doesn't want to worry their partner. But as time goes on things get worse the lie get bigger and its a one way street. As an addict and get to the point you need help and you know you are powerless to your substance, the scariest thing of you are high functioning is to come clean and ask for help because you'll be worried that job you still have will go, your Mrs who hates you but is still around will finally leave if she finds out and you'll be left alone. So normally people try to stop on their own but it never works. What's important to know is that deep down the person who you once loved is still there. But that man has been fighting a losing battle within his own head daily with his addiction and its like having a split personality. I love my (now ex) partner with every ounce of my being and I would pass any lie detector test if I was asked because its true, but somehow I still did so many terrible things to her and without a second thought. The way that was abke to happen is because when the addict inside of you is in the pilot seat, you have no control over your emotions, your thoughts or your actions until the next morning when you sober up and have to deal with the guilt and heartbreak of what you have done. Now I can't tell you what's right and wrong but I ask you to please at least consider a 3rd option to either just stay or leave. Keep your distance, safeguard yourself and your kids. Maybe move out or figure out what works but please don't give up on him. If he is really serious this time then he will be going through the toughest fight of his life and I gaurentee his motivation will be his family. I'm not saying to just forgive him, no he has to earn everything back through actions and that will take a long time. But addiction is not a choice he made and no matter what he did to you i am sure that he still loves you. You don't have to live with him, or see him every day but try and be a part of his recovery, let him share his struggles with you when he is having a tough day and wants to go back to the drink and I hope and pray that the man you once loved will begin to shine through again. I wish you and him all the happiness in the world and I wish you both good luck. All the best x

by Ceelen

1 of 6 posts

Current cocaine addict by

Hey bud, hope you're okay man, like you said, Its a huge thing even just reaching out and admitting to yourself you need help. Without sounding like the whole cliche "I've been in your position" thing. It wasn't that long ago I was kinda where you are. I won't go into my story but I was using cocaine almost daily and hiding it from my partner. The part that i think alot of people overlook is that sometimes, if your partner / wife / husband is unaware of your habit, it can be really hard to get help. Unfortunately I recently was caught and I have lost everything because the lies unravelled and she realised just how deceitful I had been for so long. But the point I'm making is, it will be hard to get the proper help you need without anyone realising. You can't go to meetings or doctors etc too many times before someone wants to know where you are. I'm happy to keep in touch with you man, I have alot more I'd like to say and I'll help out in any way I can but honestly. No matter how hard it seems and I know its the last thing you would ever want to do. Consider coming clean to your wife. It will be tough but then you can put a plan in place, after the initial anger I hope she would be supportive. Please don't make the mistakes I did and keep going until you are caught and its too late. Life and family are way too pressious to lose to drugs. Take every day 1 at a time, remind yourself what you have in your life and what is worth fighting for. Be that man you know you are, the one you was before the drugs and be strong bro. It will be tough but I'm rooting for you. Always here if you want to talk x

1 of 3 posts

Unhappy sober husband by

Hi Lozza, I will try keep this short as I have so much to say but mainly I want to try put a possible scenario across. Firstly it's amazing that your husband had achieved what he has I can't congratulate him enough. But when getting off anything they talk about triggers alot. I'm guessing what's hard for him now is learning how to live life sober. Any social even, will of course be something to him that would be considered a trigger. I imagine pre sobriety, at social events he would have a drink and enjoy himself. What seems to you like him being disinterested may actually be himself in some way trying to mentally remove himself from the situation so he is not tempted to drink. In many ways it could be a show of how strong he really is. Managing to still attend and be disciplined enough to not interact too much to the point he may feel tempted. If you can talk to him and see if maybe something like that does play a part, then maybe try to find a way to work the social events around him where as no one is openly drinking etc. Just a thought but I hope it helps in some way x

by Lozza

1 of 6 posts

I feel like I failed by

Hi jasmine, I don't have alot of time to reply now but I needed to reach out and hopefully we can carry on talking later. Firstly as hard as it is to comprehend right now I want you to know that despite all of this, your son still loves you and cares for you. Right now he is not himself and the person stealing from you is a unwell version of your son that he is battling with every day. The problem is, as long as that unwell portion of him can find a way to keep feeding itself, the real person inside will keep losing the fight. You have to stop him from getting any more money from you. No matter how hard it is to watch him beg. No matter how many stories you are told. Every penny will be feeding the addiction and while he is doing drugs, it will sound like your son, will look like your son but I promise you that is not your son. Find a way to separate the the 2 parts of him. When he is sober, he will feel so much guilt and remorse for the short period of time before the cravings kick in and his mind is taken over which is when the calls for money and lies start. In that short window when he is sober. Talk to him, tell him the effects it is having on you. Tell him that you have nothing left to give. If you have to move your finances to an account he can't reach then maybe look into that. Offer him support and try to understand that he is more than likely crying out inside for the strength to stop. I'm so sorry this is happening but I hope we can talk some more. For the record.... I was once the son doing these terrible things. And I'd give anything to be able to go back and change what I did.

by JEM

1 of 52 posts

Not really sure what this is by

I don't know why I'm sharing this here really. I guess to see if anyone else may relate or feel some same ways possibly? I'm 29, my mum died 3 years ago and my dad 2 years ago 4 days prior to the first anniversary of her passing. I have so much regret for wasting the time I could have spent with them. Guilt for all the times I said I'd pop round after work but went for a pint instead. I just never expected them to not be here. Anyway. I wrote something and I just wanted to put it here because I know from the other topics no one judges here and i can share it without anyone really knowing its me. Its not a song or a poem or anything in particular just me trying to talk to my parents.... Sorry if its shit or doesn't read well Im not by any means a writer I'd say it's hard to put how I feel into words but that's not true, The hard part is putting into words the whole truth, the unspoken thankyou's, the unshown gratitude, the missed opportunity's there was to repay you. I guess the truth is I never understood the concept of life, or realised that the most precious thing we have is time. But I can never change how I spent mine, Despite the tears my eyes cry, No amount of photos on the wall can change the fact you both died. I often wonder if I'll ever see you on the other side. if you're watching the 3 of us from above using heaven to hide Because sometimes at night, when things haven't been right, from a dark room there's been a familiar light, Somehow I know it's you, even if the light is dim Reminding me I still have family, A little brother and a twin And some boys who are more like family even if their numbers are wearing thin. I'll use that light to guide me even when I can't see, Then pass it on the most beautiful girl I think the worlds ever seen Mum and dad meet Josie, Josie Janet giles dad I think she has your laugh, and mum she has your smile, For the first time since you left, she's made the world become clearer I'm staring into eyes the same as mine without looking in a mirror from her playground bumps and splitters And for the rest of all my winters I'll love her like you loved me and be the man you knew I was meant to

Relapsed after 4 month by

Alright bud, I hope you're well man. I could write a long post but every thing I'd write you would already know. All I'll say to you, is what would you tell someone if they had posted they had a wobble after 4 months? You'd tell them not give up and you'd remind them of how far they had come! It's hard to take our own advice and it's easy to be hard on ourselves but you have proven you can be strong so be proud of that, reset and go again. You've been there for alot of people bro and those people will be there for you now. No one said its going to be easy for any of us. And if anything I respect you even more for coming on here and being honest. You got this man, we are all here for you. This is a marathon not a sprint and there's going to be setbacks but all that matters is we keep pushing right? Hope you're good and I'm looking forward to the post soon saying its been 1 month then 2 months etc. Keep your head up buddy. You're a good man x

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