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Posts by Jamesb

joined

14 posts in 11 threads

Not really sure what this is by

I don't know why I'm sharing this here really. I guess to see if anyone else may relate or feel some same ways possibly? I'm 29, my mum died 3 years ago and my dad 2 years ago 4 days prior to the first anniversary of her passing. I have so much regret for wasting the time I could have spent with them. Guilt for all the times I said I'd pop round after work but went for a pint instead. I just never expected them to not be here. Anyway. I wrote something and I just wanted to put it here because I know from the other topics no one judges here and i can share it without anyone really knowing its me. Its not a song or a poem or anything in particular just me trying to talk to my parents.... Sorry if its shit or doesn't read well Im not by any means a writer I'd say it's hard to put how I feel into words but that's not true, The hard part is putting into words the whole truth, the unspoken thankyou's, the unshown gratitude, the missed opportunity's there was to repay you. I guess the truth is I never understood the concept of life, or realised that the most precious thing we have is time. But I can never change how I spent mine, Despite the tears my eyes cry, No amount of photos on the wall can change the fact you both died. I often wonder if I'll ever see you on the other side. if you're watching the 3 of us from above using heaven to hide Because sometimes at night, when things haven't been right, from a dark room there's been a familiar light, Somehow I know it's you, even if the light is dim Reminding me I still have family, A little brother and a twin And some boys who are more like family even if their numbers are wearing thin. I'll use that light to guide me even when I can't see, Then pass it on the most beautiful girl I think the worlds ever seen Mum and dad meet Josie, Josie Janet giles dad I think she has your laugh, and mum she has your smile, For the first time since you left, she's made the world become clearer I'm staring into eyes the same as mine without looking in a mirror from her playground bumps and splitters And for the rest of all my winters I'll love her like you loved me and be the man you knew I was meant to

by Hilton

1 of 6 posts

Relapsed after 4 month by

Alright bud, I hope you're well man. I could write a long post but every thing I'd write you would already know. All I'll say to you, is what would you tell someone if they had posted they had a wobble after 4 months? You'd tell them not give up and you'd remind them of how far they had come! It's hard to take our own advice and it's easy to be hard on ourselves but you have proven you can be strong so be proud of that, reset and go again. You've been there for alot of people bro and those people will be there for you now. No one said its going to be easy for any of us. And if anything I respect you even more for coming on here and being honest. You got this man, we are all here for you. This is a marathon not a sprint and there's going to be setbacks but all that matters is we keep pushing right? Hope you're good and I'm looking forward to the post soon saying its been 1 month then 2 months etc. Keep your head up buddy. You're a good man x

Signs they’re using coke in your house? by

I feel almost like a traiter writing this as I was that guy once but when I was bad even though I carried on using I deep down was desperately hoping to be caught out so I could get it out in the open and address it and deal with it. Which eventually happend and my recovery started. What I'd say is if you're home together the most. Obvious thing will be the person's behaviour. Cocaine without alcohol makes you very edgy, very jumpy almost nervous. People have the idea that it makes you very cocky very bouncy like in the films. It often is the oppersite when used without drink. Eye contact is important too, when on it eye contact will be avoided. You'll notice them like scanning the room constantly but not looking at you. Then theres also things like being sweaty, not being able to keep their hands still. Runny nose etc Are they going to the toilet alot more and shutting the door? Men don't normally shut the door if they are going for a wee. Then there's the question of where it's being kept. Probably on his person. So check wallets pockets etc. The floor is a bug one people miss. When you do a line you wipe down the surface but often specs of it fall out your nose and will land on the floor or surfaces near by. Also if a surface has been wiped down and you go in straight away after, question why the side has been wiped down and is wet. Finally it sounds silly but crouch down so the surface is at eye level and shine a touch when it's dark you'll see then any specs that have been missed. If it is the case your partner has been using, I know you'll be mad but there is normally a deep rotted reason for use that is more than just wanting to do it for fun or what ever. Your partner is probably struggling with something and please remember that when confronting them. All the best and hope that helps

by Hilton

1 of 7 posts

Boyfriend with cocaine addiction by

Hi Betsy Hope you're alright. I know it probably is alot to take in know and you have every right to feel the way you do. I think it's a brave thing he has done coming clean to you. It says a few things. 1 he obviously is remorseful and wants to stop and knows its an issue, 2 he trusts you, as believe me, this is probably the biggest secret he has and one that he is most ashamed about. It also says he very much loves and cares for you and wants you to know what's going on in the hope of saving your relationship. What's important know is communication and support. If possible, try to find out why he has been doing it. If you can, try to avoid demanding exact details like dates when's how much etc and then trying to peice together exact nights and using it against him for example "so whilst I was out having dinner with friends that night and you said you was doing this... In fact you was doing that" that will make him close up and not want to talk. No one wants to become addicted and its important to know that although you feel betrayed, he never did any of this to hurt you. This drug can take a grip of the most decent man and make them do things they never thought they would. If you have a friend you can trust to talk to this about maybe talk to them about the feelings you have like the anger etc as directing that at him straight away will effect how honest he is with you. If he is stopping then he is about to go through a pretty tough mental battle and he will already feel the guilt and shame himself without having someone telling him that he is this and that. That being said I'm not suggesting you walk on egg shells and don't address the issues it has caused in your relationship but give him the chance to get clean and his head back on straight first so he can be himself when rebuilding with you. Alot of people turn back to drugs as a coping mechanism and sadly a lot of the time it's hard to break the cycle when dealing with the consequences of your actions making you feel so worthless and guilty. I'm giving this advice on the pretence he is a good man. If however you find that you're being taken advantage of and he continues to use it while lying to you about it my advice would be for your own well being to step back until he sorts himself out. Many partners go through hell with partners for years lying about using and it can turn people crazy constantly trying to catch the other out. Hope this helps and I wish you both well x

by Maxine

1 of 63 posts

Another request for money by

The fact there was no reply probably confirms your suspicions that it was just a story and you did the right thing. But like I said please don't beat yourself up. I know what you mean about seeing the groups of lads out and the way it made you feel as at one point I went from being one of the lads out in the sun to the guy sitting in his room alone looking out at them. Unfortunately with any addiction I don't think anyone will quit until they truly want to he needs to want to stop himself. This normally happens when a person gets to the point where they feel they have lost so much and they don't want to lose any more which is sad. Because it means they have to go through so much heart ache first. In all honesty I wish I could go back and warn myself about what my future would end up like and tell myself to stop way before it got to the point it did because I nearly lost everything. Maybe show him this forum and show him some of the posts of people. Who are in similar situations. I don't know if it's allowed but I'd be more than happy to talk to him. I'm 29 so just about still in the age bracket where he might listen to what I have to say because I just wasted the best years of my life like 21 to 28 on this stuff and would do anything to be able to go back and reliventhemvwithiut my addiction. Stay strong and I hope you and you're brother are well xx

by

2 of 7 posts

How do I tell my husband that I know? by

Hiya, I'll try to make this short as it's late but I feel also I want to comment on this and I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I'll start by saying I'm not making excuses for your husband or justifying his actions but I do feel that (and understandably so) when a partner finds something like this out they may be so hurt by their partners actions and feel betrayed that it's easy to not try to understand the other person's point of view. Again I apologise if I'm out of line here but....... Your husband is obviously buying he alcohol secretly so he is clearly aware that he is drinking too much. In some ways you could assume he is ashamed. I imagine he hasn't always drank like this so there must be a reason why it's got to this point. A few things you mentioned may be worth looking into and discussing with him. He had a good job and a I assume a loving relationship. He would of felt a level of pride. You say you have 2 children and its common knowledge that when couples have children a level of intimacy will always suffer. The mother is now focused on being a mum and has responsibilities with the children it's easy for a man to feel neglected as a male doesn't go through the same hormonal charges a woman does so desire to feel loved and have physical contact is still very much there for a man when for a woman that need is much less due to the need to be a mother and the hormonal side of things. Couple that with the fact he lost his job. He know may feel like he isn't providing especially when he has young children he may feel 'useless' there's also that you haven't shared a bed so he again may be excluded from the family in some way like at bed time he's sent off to his room. Theres also the lockdown element that has had huge effects on people's mental health. Imagine a man who is now sleeping in a bed in a room alone, who is feeling less affection from his partner than usual, who feels ashamed that he is no longer contributing financially to the household. That may of been a very bad place for him mentally and he found alcohol as his thing to take those feelings away. I'm by no means saying any of this is your fault and please believe me I really do sympathise with what you're going through but I hope that maybe trying to understand by asking him his root causes for the drinking it may help you to come back together as a family. It would be easy to push each other further anyway due to something like this but being honest and talking about both of your feelings may be able to find a way to bring you back togehter and help him with his drinking. I hope nothing I said was out of line and wish you and your husband all the best x

Is recovery possible? by

Hi @lookingforhope I hope you're okay and I'm sorry you're having a tough time at the moment. The guy above Dan is probably the most helpful person on here and has helped so many people on here already so I'm sure a conversation with him will go a long way but I just wanted to comment because there's alot of similarities to what I went / am going through. Without going too far in to me. I was not long ago in the same position as your partner. My daughter is now 4 months old and up until recently I had been using cocaine at least 4 times a week for as long as I can remember. But here's the important part. It started for me the same as most young lads at the weekend and only a little but then my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She passed away about a year later from being diagnosed and then 3days prior to the 1st anniversary of her passing my dad passed away too. I was 26 when my mum passed and 27 when my dad did. Cocaine has the ability to make you numb. Absolutely emotionless. And I know now through being honest with myself and some counselling that a big part of my using cocaine (of course there was an element of selfishness) was to do with blocking out any greif I may of felt losing my parents. I would feel the natural pain of bereavement but then all of a sudden as soon as I did a line I wouldn't feel sad anymore. The chemical attributes of the drug literally rewire your brain to block all of that out. The problem was is that it always ran out and then like Dan said those feelings come back 10fold and also with the guilt and come down that anyone who does drugs experiences. You say you never noticed or had any idea, to me that makes me think that it's because instead of expressing the signs you'd expect from him like depression etc he may of seemed absolutely fine. That could possibly of been because the cocaine wasnt giving him so much of a high like you see in the films where he would be bouncing off the walls. But because he was so low it simply brought him back up to a "normal" level. The problem is regardless of the reason you use it. It will eventually grip anyone no matter who you are and he may of found that even when he may of wanted to stop the addiction had set in and for many people it becomes an endless cycle of having to feed the addiction due to the psychological torture whilst also trying to keep the secret from loved ones and also maintain his level of normal life like work and healthy relationships etc. I can't put words in his mouth but as a man he may of found it easier to not show weekness and depend on you when he was grieving and instead used this artificial happiness just to get through the days. Again you mentioned you have a young family, the feeling of needing to provide and "be a man" would be more important to him when having a child than ever and opening up and putting the heartache and stress of his addiction on you at the time of having a family would have not of been an option. I can only imagine he isn't happy about his use and wouldn't be proud of it so would want to keep it from you as best he can. That in turn creates an endless cycle of him tying to keep you as his partner happy and unaware, while also trying to deal with the issues of addiction such as finding the money without it being noticed. Doing it and not being caught and everything else whilst still trying to hold on to the part of him that is the man you clearly love. I'm more trying to hopefully tell you things that he may want to say but wouldn't be able to as everything I just said is things I wish I told my partner years ago. I think the ultimate cure for addiction is love. And if you can I'd say please try to understand as much as you can. I'm not saying he hasn't done things that are wrong that will upset you but please know that every person who is addicted to anything is still the person they was deep down. I hope that he can find strength and get back to a place where you're both happy and free of this stuff. But please know that the more comfortable it is for him to be honest the most chances are he may break free. There's plenty of good people on this forum who sit at all angles regarding drugs so I'm sure many more people will reach out. This comment is only from my point of view other people who are partners of users like yourself may be abke to advise from another angle. I wish you both all the best and I hope you can work through it together x

Really annoyed with myself cocaine by

I hope you don't mind me messaging you both on here, but what you said Jay about messaging when you want to do it is so true. Don't you find when your either on it or on the come down you want to either talk about it or get help but then you sober up and just imagine like nothing happend and forget about it? I've wanted to get help so many times when it's 4am and I'm off my nut but then the next day when I should be making calls or doing something about it I refuse to think about it. Dan, I've read so many of your posts and you really have been helping so many people on here and have been so honest about what it's really like so massive respect to you on that mate we all know how hard it is. Can i ask you about the CA stuff? What is it really like and what's involved? And Jay if you want someone to start doing it with and you want to I'd be happy to sign up and start the same time and keep in touch through this forum to keep eachother motivated

Harsh reality of years of lies by

Hiya, thankyou for your kind words and thank you for responding. In all honesty Id love to give you a story or a reason as to why all of a sudden I've been able to stay off it recently but I can't. I honestly don't know. The reason I say that is because there has been countless times ive been at 'rock bottom' my and I've sworn to myself or others that I'd never touch it again and I always did. That's the scariest part about the addiction. The people who are really suffering are torn between wanting so bad to never think of coke again but the devil inside of them has such a tight grip. There's so many genuine scientific reasons why this is and ways cocaine chemically alters a person's way of thinking and tricks them into forgetting all the hurt so that they keep going back and I'd recommend anyone who is being affected by a partner or loved ones addiction to really research addiction and try to understand that the person who is addicted is probably fighting daily with an illness they have no control over. With that being said, it probably sounds silly for me or anyone to say that they feel like they have 'broken free' given the fact that I and most of us have time and time again slipped back to old habits unwillingly but i just feel different within myself. For example, for the first time I can remember I'm not thinking about my next payday in a week or so as in "who can I tick from now because its close enough to payday to get tick" but more like I can't wait to see what a months pay feels like without buying gear or thinking about even I'm actually going to buy myself some new trainers that I've needed now for months. Because even though trainers cost like £50 I'd not want to buy any but would think nothing of blowing 1000 in the first week of being paid on coke. To get back to things that can help you... How is your boyfriends standard of living? Does he somehow always seem to get by even when he's blown everything on coke? Does he regret or show that he wants to give up? Has it affected any friendships? Or relationship? His work? Anything like that? Is he besides the addition a good person / boyfriend? The thing I've found is that he may of like me got to a point where he manages to always survive and even though he may hate the part of him that's addicted he still has everything he needs around him so the good part of him that is the decent person hasn't been forced yet to fight off the evil part and the addiction. I have so many things I'd love to ask you for the girlfriends point of view like for example, why do Partners stay with someone who is treating them so bad when they know what they are doing but then equally (in some cases) seem to not want to help them over come the addiction and instead create a cat and mouse situation where they are always trying to catch them out or find evidence they are lying? Not saying you do that but I feel alot of guys have that scenario. Ultimately the only 2 things that will put a stop to addiction in my opinion are. The person really wanting to stop. And having support from the person they care about most. Sorry for the long message but it's nice to talk about this with someone from the other side. I hope you're okay and if there's anything I can do to help you please let me known

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