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joined 8 March 2020
321 posts in 73 threads
Hey, Daydream how you doing?
Hey Lou, I'm sorry you're in this situation and of course you feel heartbroken, having being betrayed over and over again is no picnic and will in no doubt affect you deeply. Cocaine is the road to ruin, so many families/relationships ruined by this awful drug! In my experience this drug literally changes people, and they turn into the worse versions of themselves - monsters. Unfortunately, it's all about them and that substance! He is way down that rabbit hole at the moment by the sounds of it and my advice right now is to focus on YOU and your little one! No good will come out of you trying to work him out or understand his behaviours. He simply is in the midst of active addiction which means he is thinking only of himself and his perceived need for this drug. He really does need to help himself and he can by reaching out to local drug services/CA or other forms of support! It's really his decision to change - unfortunately this can take a long time! I remember someone telling me that it could take years for someone to start to recover from this drug, which upset me! Well, my ex partner of 22years is still using and we separated over one year - he is still living the same crappy life of drugs/girls and all the chaos that comes with that crap. I hear he is in debt -lots of it. I literally had a breakdown while I was in the chaos, and it very nearly killed me so please take care of yourself! We have two girls together and my ex has not seen them for over one year. He was once a good man and dad, but now he has completely changed.
As for the cheating, just because he takes this drug doesn't excuse his behavior and choices. He is fully aware of what he is doing and so please don't listen to all that noice about him being"horny" etc - that's just disrespectful! The bottom line is that he is choosing to take the drug knowing full well what it can lead too but he still carries on regardless! You are worth so much more than this. I stayed and tried to understand and work through things which lead to be breaking down. My advice is focus on you now, get some support Adfam and Al anon are good support. Speak to family and friends and try to understand that by you focussing on him will bring you down. The best way to help yourself is to let him get on with it and you start to heal yourself the best way you can.
Big hugs and take care.
"one day at a time" and when that don't work "one hour at a time" or even a minute. Set the goal lower because when we feel this way we need to be much more aware of the expectations we put on ourselves. So right now, it's ok you feel this way, however hold on for another hour and get thru this time. Whenever you look further than an hour or day and you can't cope come back to this method. Then congrat yourself for making it. Small goals such as making a nice meal at the end of the day - get outdoors also - long walks helped me when I was distressed.
You can do this, and it's ok to cry it's actually healing. You're are healing and healing doesn't have to look pretty. Be around people your safe with and be nice to you.
She sounds like she has lost all control of herself, which will affect her thinking/ decision making. If she is this entrenched then it would be harder for her to want to stop drinking and get the help she needs.
This must be really hard to live with, and I so get the feelings of "embarrassment" and the hidden relationship. It's awful and no way to live. We merely exist this way and grow in resentment.
In the end I left, I had too and you can too. I lost myself, and I'm still finding myself. 22 years stuck in addiction will do that to a person. It's so bloody hard.
Although, I'm sad, lost, lonely and hurt - so so hurt, I do have no more lies, no more embarrassment, no more cheating and all the rest of it.
Al Anon is a good place for support for yourself. As for your wife, she needs to want to get the help and she may never! It's the acceptance of that that hurts the most - probably because we aren't chosen and the addiction wins. Rejection is awful. So don't reject yourself.
Sounds like she desperately needs help, and I would please urge you never to ignore someone who is suicidal regardless of whether you consider the threat to be just that. It's usually the people that make the threat that carry it out because it is on their mind alot.
Does she have a dual diagnosis worker in the community? What drugs is she taking? Where is she living at the moment?
I can imagine that you're at the end of your tether and that the anger is helping you to cope, however there really is no way to detach from this because she is your daughter.
You can access support from here and Al Anon, also practice lots of self care for YOU.
Police can do welfare checks if you're worried but also can assess her mental health by a doctor at the station. Please don't think because she makes threats she wouldn't carry it out. In her own way she is suffering immensely.
We're all here for you and it's good to connect with others that have shared experiences.
Addiction is so destructive you've got that right, I very nearly destroyed myself allowing the situation to continue for so long.
Night times are challenging and mornings used to be so bad for me, but over time it's got less painful and easier to manage.
Walking away from anything that hurts you will be the kindest thing you can do for yourself.
Check you out taking your power back. Good for you. And glad you've found support here. 👌
Might be worthwhile seeing if you could go on his treatment plan so that you can be a buddy support for him. That's if you want to or can obvs.
Substance misuse practitioners wouldn't lose faith as we are there for them not ourselves and it's their recovery not ours.
Take good care x
Did he stop using then? When I said "tough love doesn't work" I meant in terms of substance misuse not functioning, as some addicts can function perfectly with an addiction. In a nutshell, I mean no one can false someone to stop abusing drugs, so the threat of leaving someone etc doesn't work! Yeh, might false him to get a job but does it false a person to give up substances? Not usually.
I suppose i should have explained a lil differently.
I can completely relate to everything that's been written here sadly. I ended up with PTSD over the hell I was put thru. You're right, that drug is so destructive, and the behaviour from the addict can drive you to insanity. The lies, let downs, manipulation and so on..
I left what was once I good relationship of 22 years. No idea what he is doing now, but the fact he don't see our kids speaks volumes.
I'm 8 months down the line now and I'm still in alot of pain. I hope it gets easier but it's hard to hang on to some sort of hope when you've been so badly treated
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