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Posts by LemonySnicket

joined

28 posts in 14 threads

I need advice !! New to this by

I'm sorry to hear this @Laura2411. Is it coke? I divorced my husband last year. He had hidden debts and had hidden using for several years after initially disclosing that he was an addict some years before. In my experience, you need to protect yourself especially financially, and cut him loose if you can. That will be his best chance of recovery, although he may have to hit several rock bottoms before he gets to that point. My other advice would be not to keep his secrets. That will not be good for you all, or for him.

My partner is a cocaine addict by

Hi Mellisa I'm sorry you are going through this but Debc is right, there are so many stories like yours here, it may help you to read them. Your partner is going in one direction at the moment. There is nothing you can do about that. You have to protect yourself and your children. It's likely that your financial situation will get worse, quite quickly and you are already struggling to cope. It's not going to stop until he wants it to. Nothing you can do or say will change that. He won't even do it for the children. I can say this without knowing more, without knowing him, because addicts all behave in the same way. Get support, and get some distance between you and him and then hope he can turn it around eventually. Keep coming back here - there will always be people to help you here. Take care xx

by Fait274

1 of 5 posts

Think my husband has relapsed by

I'm sorry, Honey. I hope it's a lapse or two and not a full relapse. I'm divorced from my husband now and he's at last living a clean and health life, but when we were together and he was using on and off for years, he never gave up drink and I think that was the key. He nolonger drinks. I think he's not had one since the start of lockdown but drinks zero per cent beers (they've improved so much in recent years he's happy not to have the real thing). He's moved back to his home town and in with his parents but that's been good for his mental health. He's doing well. I would make some basic demands of your husband. Set some boundaries and if he breaks them, separate from him. If he is tumbling back into full blown addiction and it looks as if he is, there's nothing you can do but leave him to it, because only he can make the changes needed. I am not surprised you feel like you can't go back there again. Neither could I and I had to walk away and leave a 20 year marriage. Hardest thing I've ever done and 18 months later it's still so hard. Good luck to you, I wish you the best xx

by honey2019

1 of 5 posts

Wife of drug addict by

Hi Kirst101 I'm sorry no one has replied. It takes a lot of courage to post here and especially when you've no support in real life. I don't think that there is anything you can do if I am honest. I tried with my husband for six years. I kept the secret from my parents and his. Several friends and my sister and BIL knew, but because they were as ignorant as I was about how cocaine works, they didn't/couldn't help. In my case, things were quiet for months and sometimes years. I'd find evidence of using but the lies were so convincing and the consequences of taking action so great that I lived in denial because it was easier. Denial doesn't actually cover it because usually there wasn't much evidence to go on, just the odd bag or strange text that I'd glimpse, or him nipping out abruptly, or sometimes going out "to the shop" very late at night. In the end he let his debts build up secretly to the point where his company was wound up and we've had to sell the house to pay his debts. He let me find out when the court summons came through the door and I knew I had to make the chaos stop. 18 months later, and very reluctantly I've divorced him. In the time we've been apart he's improved so much. He had some dark times. He's had to move back in with his parents. But he has a great job which he loves, and lockdown has helped him a lot. He seems ok now. Change is possible I think but I'm not so sure it can happen with us by their side.

1 of 2 posts

Divorce, a new life, what's next by

Thank you Dfh for your kind words. I feel like I'm getting weaker as he gets stronger, because he has been doing really well for a few months now, maybe that's why I am worrying about the decisions I've made... I don't know if it's the prospect of moving, and leaving behind our home and all the memories of family life here, or regret and guilt about the decisions I've taken, or just general regret about what might of been, or fear of being alone, or a delayed reaction to everything, or the difficulties of lockdown, but I am full of anxiety. But deep down I know that if I'd stayed with home nothing would have changed and he would not have started to sort himself out. I'm going to see if I can gt some therapy for myself. I should have done it long ago but it's so difficult when you are in the thick of it. Take care and thank you again xx

2 of 3 posts

I have no idea what to do - husband's addiction by

Hello @Songbirdgarden76 I am sorry to hear about what's happened to you, your family and your husband. Cocaine has wrecked my family. I gave my husband the benefit of the doubt for over 5 years not realising that the addiction he had confessed to years before had never really gone away. Financial and emotional catastrophe ensued. Everything came to a head not because of his using but because of hidden debt and its consequences. Despite some positive signs in recent months, I chose to initiate divorce because I need security for myself and my two teen children. I need to put on my life jacket now. I suggest you do the same. It won't be an act of betrayal. It doesn't show a lack of faith. You just need to protect yourself and put yourself first before you can help him. But first he has to want to help himself. Take care xx

by

1 of 10 posts

Holiday struggles by

Hi again Trainer28 I've had a rough few years. My husband had been using on and off without me knowing (Cocaine in his case). I can't say how much - he had originally confessed in 2013 but wouldn't let me tell family, wouldn't give up drinking, wouldn't let me take control of his money. I should have left then. But he had a quiet few years or so I thought, until relapsing in 2017. Since then he has had a good 12-18 months, not drinking and going to meetings and he has been focused on recovery better than ever before, but he's hidden massive debts which have recently come to light and I can't carry on, I've got to protect myself and my children. I just can't trust him. In hindsight, there needs to be total surrender. The addict needs to be on their knees begging for help. They properly need to be at rock bottom before change is possible. If there's any suspicion that they are not, then walk. I wish I had known how bad things could get at the start of the journey I've been on.

by Trainer28

2 of 7 posts

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