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Posts by Lookingforhope

joined

18 posts in 14 threads

The Betrayal by

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I completely understand where you are coming from with the questions. It just doesn’t make sense… but from my research into addiction and anecdotally I’ll give you my understanding of it. If our addicted loved ones told us what was going on, they would be faced with a choice: stop or lose us. They love us, so they don’t want to lose us. But they NEED to use. So lying is the way to do both. Through my own therapy, I’m trying radical acceptance. To an outsider, nothing an addict does will make sense. It probably won’t make sense to them. But to save yourself anguish, try and work from a place that whatever they did was because they had to, that’s always what was going to happen. They didn’t choose it, and neither did you. Only you can choose what happens next and what you are willing to put up with. I hope you find some peace, it’s hard but I wish it for all of us on this forum

Is taking cocaine once or twice a week an addiction? by

My partner has just got his 9 month chip, but it’s not something that I take for granted anymore. It’s scary for everyone involved because relapse is so common. If I’m being completely honest, it isn’t the lifestyle that I would have chosen for myself but we’re trying to make things work. I would definitely suggest sticking to your boundaries with living together. It’s definitely not harsh, you need to be clear for yourself what you are willing to put up with

Husband is a drug addict and I had no idea by

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I found out 9 months ago that my husband had been abusing cocaine in secret too, so I understand the pain you are in. I would recommend getting things out in the open, having another a person who knows what has happened helps. If you can’t talk to people in your life, Adfam have people that you can talk to to help you. And coming on here helps too, to know that you aren’t alone

by Ivy

1 of 12 posts

Boyfriend Cocaine Addiction by

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re in this situation and that you feel you have no one to talk to. I was in a similar situation to you in March this year, when I was 4 months pregnant and found out that my partner had been abusing cocaine in secret for 5 years. Firstly, I would say that finding someone you can confide in for yourself is vital. Addiction thrives in secrecy. You also need to ask if he is willing to get help. Cocaine is an awful drug which messes with your brain chemistry and it’s hard to give up. Suggest he try Cocaine Anonymous or counselling as a lot of drug use stems from unresolved childhood trauma. We currently attend couples therapy also, which helps me talk about what’s happened, without it blowing up into a massive argument. And decide what your boundaries are and be prepared to stick to them. I have said that if there are any drugs in the house that I will leave. I would suggest not bailing him out financially anymore, and set out a timeline for him to start saving again. There are also really helpful people you can speak to through Adfam for more practical advice and emotional support for you. I hope this helps and you can come to this forum for help and support whenever you need it

1 of 2 posts

Can I ever trust husband after drug lies by

Hi Nylanoo I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I found out this year that my partner has been abusing cocaine in secret for 5 years. I genuinely had no idea I am little by little starting to trust him again, but he has had to work really hard at being transparent for any of that to work. There are moments when he slips back into addictive behaviours but I am starting to trust myself more. When I see something I don’t like, I say it then and there. I categorically refuse to be gaslit anymore into thinking it’s all in my head. I would also say that it’s super important to look after yourself and consider your needs and boundaries now. Coming on here has massively helped me accept what has happened in the past and educate myself. I hope that helps :)

by

1 of 4 posts

Don’t know where to start by

Firstly, let me say how sorry I am that you find yourself in this situation. This was me 8 months ago and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. You have a lot to process and ask of yourself and your partner. If I were you, I would find out if he is willing to try and get sober. Then decide if he does try, do you want to stay? Consider your own boundaries and stick to them. And talk to someone to share this burden. Addiction (even someone else’s) isolates us and it makes it unbearable. Trust is a big one, and I don’t have the answer for this one. It’s something I’m still working towards. It’s so easily broken and so hard to rebuild. I hope this helps. You are not alone

1 of 2 posts

Partners/parents of addicts- have you accessed support for your mental health? by

Hi there! I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Your story really resonates with me, as, like you, I am living with someone in early recovery. Initially when I found out about his hidden cocaine use, I contacted Adfam and they arranged for me to speak to someone via Zoom. This was a massive help as I had somewhere safe to vent my feelings towards my partner without it all coming out in pent up anger and frustration with the whole situation. I also found a drug specialist therapist and we attend couples therapy together, so that when I do have things that he needs to hear or that I need to say, we can do it in a safe place for both of us. It also helps to hear that your feelings are valid, I think both for me to hear and my partner to hear too. I hope this helps, and that you do reach out and get some help for yourself. It is so hard to deal with the reality of addiction and recovery too… looking after yourself has to be a priority

1 of 2 posts

Wife of a cocaine addict with young children by

Hi, Yes, we are doing couples counselling, as well as him doing his own counselling and attending CA. It’s exhausting keeping on top of it all, but I hope it works out for the best. I’ve taken control of our finances and put a plan in place so that I am completely financially independent if I need to be. I completely understand the going between being supportive to angry. It’s just so hard. I think like them, it’s best just to take things one day at a time… I agree, transparency is the only way that recovery works and trust can be rebuilt. I’m keeping everything crossed for you X

2 of 4 posts

Boyfriends cocaine addiction... what do I do? by

I wish I had some advice to offer, I’m in a similar position to you and struggling. It sounds positive that he is taking steps to get help. My partner attends CA meetings which he finds helpful. There are a few posts on here from people in recovery with links to YouTube videos and books that might help too. Ultimately your loved one needs to want to get help for himself. It really is an awful situation to be in and I feel your pain.

How to get past the past by

Hi all, I’m hoping to get some advice from people who have moved on with a loved one in recovery. The short version is that my partner has recently been found out for a 5 year cocaine habit and is now working really hard on recovery. I had no knowledge of his drug use, and we now have two small children. I am doing my best to put it behind me, but I’m not sure how to forgive the deceit, betrayal and move on from what he has done. Is it even possible? Is it worth trying? Thanks for taking the time to read and any advice would be greatly appreciated

by Mb9345

1 of 2 posts

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