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Posts by Pepper87

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1 posts in 1 threads

Anyone out there? by

Hi Maria, I came across your post last night. We are in very similar situations unfortunately for both us us. You have no reason to feel guilty! I also have no reason to feel the guilt I do but…neither of us can help it, it eats and eats away at us for even the smallest things. I know that I’ve done my very best but no matter how well I’ve done I feel bad for everything. I lost my dad 11 years a go now to alcohol, 1 brother also 11 years a go to “accidental overdose” inquest said inconclusive… Then 1 brother 4 years a go now to a heroine overdose. I picked up all the pieces, saw things nobody should see and then I was left with my mom, who has a muscle disorder and now a heart condition after a massive heart attack 2 years a go. She’s in constant pain and she’s negative and depressed and lives solely in the past. I understand why she’s unhappy but she now has put me in a massive depression too,so so so many years of negatively forced into my head. she lives in the flat below me and I can never get away from her moods, she controls me and my life with guilt and makes me feel bad and selfish on a daily basis. I’ve done my best for her and I did my best for all my family whilst they were here but…through taking care of my mom and not being able to run my own life I have been left at the age of 34-35 on Monday with no relationship (that ended after 16 years) because I couldn’t live how I needed to to keep it, no children and barely any friends now. I tell her when I have plans and she then On the day chucks something out there that will stop me having a few hours to myself. Like you say…you could keep going and there are so many things that people won’t understand and so so many years of it that only you know about. I personally have realised lately that in fact I have lost my own identity completely and I have no idea how to get it back. I used to be happy, funny and do lots of things but now I have no energy for anything and absolutely no enthusiasm for life and it’s slowly killing me, I’m on antidepressants but I no longer find them helpful. I feel numb, lost and alone. Life’s short as we know but these people for some reason want to keep this hold on us and I get called selfish but there is absolutely nothing selfish about either of us!! We have given up our own happiness and sacralised our own lives for other people and they don’t care what they are doing to us, I think I know who the selfish ones are? We need some strength to take charge of our own existences but…I have no idea where to get it from anymore???

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