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Posts by Redfox20


179 posts in 56 threads

My husband and cocaine by

Oh Debbie i totally relate to everything you’ve just said it’s like banging your head against a brick wall isn’t it! They don’t give you answers they are so blasé about it all like it’s not an issue and we are the crazy ones worrying about their health finances our future and so on. They are so laid back about it all you feel like you just want to shake or smack them sorry but it really annoys me! They don’t realise how lucky they are to have us and take everything for granted & most likely don’t realise until they are on their own or we’ve walked away and even then they may not change. As much as this place really helps me, it can be quite daunting at times when your trying to hang onto hope to see so many stories that have no light at the end of the tunnel also seeing the new ladies who like us have just discovered they have an addict for a partner and endlessly search the web until they find this forum. It’s awful, and I hope you’re okay maybe you need a break for abit from him no big decisions just yet may do your mental health some good. Just a thought sending love x

by Smile1

12 of 637 posts

I’m done….I hope! by

Hey, sorry I did read your last post haven’t had a chance to get back. Glad to hear you’re feeling better after having COVID what timing eh with starting new job always the way! Sorry to hear he’s being a pain at the min could be he’s testing you as your not putting up with it anymore and he’s clearly trying to control you. Hope you get car back do you think he knows about the wedding as bit of a coincidence that he’s got it? I think that maybe you could have that as a boundary that he cannot use your car anymore it’s entirely up to you though of course! I don’t blame you being overprotective especially over the baby I’m the same even though i know she’s safe with him but feel like she’s more mine because I like you have done practically everything for her. Try relax enjoy you’re bath don’t let him get to you easier said than done I know. Sending love x

Just stuck advice please?? by

Hey, sorry to hear that things are not going well for him. He doesn’t seem in a good place mentally, & that maybe why he’s nothing to offer you. Closure could be what you need it’s so hard to step away even if you do for a little while doesn’t have to be forever until you feel better to deal with things. I hope it goes well later, never doubt yourself you are good enough it’s he’s problem it has nothing to do with you try not take anything he does personally while he’s in active addiction easier said than done I know x

Goodbye n gd luck by

Hey, I’m good thank you. Still trying to hold up on my side been 5 weeks now & still no contact from children’s father, but im getting better mentally so that’s one good thing! You don’t deserve that treatment addict or not that’s no way to speak to you or behave. It’s good your putting your foot down. Did you know him before the addiction I ask this as of course it can bring out a nasty side in people who already are, but also makes the nicest person do despicable things. My ex was such a lovely person before he’s now unrecognisable the lengths he’s gone to for cocaine.

by Jamesb

2 of 5 posts

Totally overwhelmed by

Hey Louise, You're very welcome and you're not alone! it helps me so much coming on here so anytime you want to chat i check in daily. I know all too well the cycle of them leaving promises the love bombing etc you miss them and let them home but deep down in your gut you know its not right neither is it helping but you dont know what else to do. Thats good your not actively enabling although the cycle is enabling if that makes sense. i totally get that you do get so angry at times it often falls on deaf ears though or they get defensive, so your not achieving much. So sorry to hear the doctors weren't much help, they should of offered him advice on where to get help for the addiction and suggest he stops and sees how hes depression is then and review it then as nothing will change in 3 months unless hes stops. Its a tough one because some people do use because they feel depressed to numb it and that drug is the worse for depression as you know. He wont get the help or answers from that until he stops unfortunately or speaks to a therapist to get to the bottom of it. Sorry to hear that you cant just leave, its good he still has a job but it wont be long before that may be affected and you may have to look for financial support elsewhere. Its so tough if you need support to deal with living with an addict and detaching alanon is good i haven't used it myself but its brilliant for people who cant just leave be it because of financial or if its your child suffering with addiction. After a few times of him just disappearing when he either went to work or didnt go and went on a binge or he would go shopping drop food off on the doorstep and text to say hes messed up again he would then ignore my calls and left me heavily pregnant with 3 other children, racked with worry and anxiety i had enough asked him to leave that was last may he still lives with hes mum as not much as changed its got worse unfortunately. Were also not together. I had to leave mainly for my mental health, it scared me how out of control i felt with worry and anxiety and nobody is worth my peace of mind. I felt guilty for this an wished i was stronger to help him but came to realise either way i couldnt help. I cope by keeping busy, sorting areas of my life out that i can change or improve. 4 kids keep me very busy thats for sure. Im discovering myself and my strengths again also reading massively helps take me out of my head for a bit or reading up on addiction as it does comfort me at times as strange as that sounds its my mind making sense of it all i think. xxx

by Emjay

2 of 10 posts

Best explanation of addiction! Please read by

hi james, how are you? you seem to be doing well and for that you should be extremely proud! thank you for sharing the videos i watched them before bed last night. Hes insights to hes own addiction was very interesting also the comparison to a relationship is a good concept as ive never thought of it in that way. We too suffer withdrawals from the relationship when we cut addicted loved ones out the same way that you feel with the drug, alot of it is in the mind it is such a powerful thing. I have a really good video for you too please watch it let me know what you think its on youtube by cornerstone of recovery its called why an addict cant stop using the doctor who explains it is incredible and this video should be showed in 12 step meetings and in schools in my opinion. take care x

1 of 3 posts

When u want closure by

Hey Tory. I think your best bet is to tell him your thinking of selling as he’s addiction has got way out of hand and you cannot live with him anymore, you may of already said this. This may not get any reaction from him or he may realise he needs to get help. Have a look at what’s around in the market, you never know! I wish your son better too, it can only get better, have faith. Hard I know but i always say to myself it can’t get much worse. Sending love anytime it really helps me to feeling im helping in any way as you feel so lost, and you just want all the answers. Take care x

3 of 7 posts

feeling lost and alone by

Hey Tory, that will not be selfish of you at all. You need to put yourself first in this situation as they will too. You shouldn’t have to put up with this you deserve so much more, it’s also enabling him not suffering consequences. It’s so hard when you love them & they are still there but a shell of a person who’s brain is warped and thinks of only one thing. Can I ask why he’s still living with you? Do you need hes help financially is there no where else he can go? I also want to commend you for having the strength for 4 years, once I realised my partner was out and I have tried to have him back on two occasions but he’s either hidden it in the house and I’ve found it or he’s run off and I refuse to live like that. He will only come back if he’s 6 months clean or more. This is my boundary it keeps me sane and me an the children are out of the madness don’t get me wrong I miss him terribly but he’s got to want to change and I’ve realised there is nothing I can do now but hope. I wish I could say it gets easier but there is no definitive answer as it lies with the person who’s addicted to when they get the help. But you can take yourself out of the situation and control what you do as that’s all you can do. X

by Onwards

2 of 6 posts

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