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Posts by Salboo

joined

8 posts in 6 threads

Abandonment Issues by

Sorry this is me feeling sorry for myself but needed to get it out. I am suffering from the after effects of being a ACOA... basically I am the child of two non functioning alcoholics. My dad left before I was a year old and never had anything to do with me. My mum has been an alcoholic my whole life. Alcohol and men came before me always and I more or less brought myself up. My ex fiancé cheated on me after 10 years. All of this has had a hugely negative impact on me. I am petrified of abandonment and it is causing problems between me and my partner. Our relationship didn’t have the best start but have been together properly for 2 years. We had an argument tonight and he said something along the lines of ‘I want u to be my soulmate but how can u be when u say XYZ’ he then said something like It wish our relationship was better’ and this totally broke me. I feel like he’s going to abandon me and that I am not good enough for yet another person I love. Everytime we have an argument or some criticism of me I am terrified he will leave me. I think it’s just my horrible mindset that I have developed over time but how can I deal with this? I can’t keep worrying he’s going to leave me, it’s driving me and him insane.

by

1 of 2 posts

What to do by

Hi lonelygirl, I am so sorry you are going through this... I have been through very similar. I totally get how let down you feel about your mum and I also get the feeling of loneliness. My partner does not understand my mum's addictions either and it causes many arguments between us. You are NOT being selfish at all... the two people who I presume are closest to your are not emotionally available and you are going through something horrific and traumatic. No one wants to see their mum take hard drugs and anyone would react in exactly the same way you did. In times like this we need to have a support network that we can turn to when it gets too much, and it must be even worse for you because you are living in the same house as your mum. As I say I often feel quite alone... no one understands or knows what to say because their mum is not an addict. To a degree I understand that.... how are people supposed to know how you feel if their mum is not an addict? Just remember your feelings are valid. Whatever you decide to do please always put your needs and your mental heath and wellbeing before anyone else's. xxx

1 of 6 posts

Help with dealing with addictive mum by

Hi Leedsgal, I am sorry you are going through this, it really is so hard. I am in a very similar position. You are such a credit to your mum, the way that you have supported her all these years... it really is a very very difficult thing to do and I am sure you have shed many tears over the situation... I know I have. I would echo what Lindyloo said... you need to make sure your mental health and well-being is taken care of. I made the transition from putting all my efforts into supporting my mum to putting the efforts into my own mental recovery. The experience really took a toll on me and it might have for you also. You don't want to cut your mum off, so you can perhaps spend some time with her and help her out as you want to, but please also think of yourself. Make time to do things you enjoy or that you find to relieve stress. This will help in some way to stop you worrying so much. You can't control what your mum does unfortunately and so maybe concentrate on what you CAN control... your health and wellbeing. You are brilliant :)

1 of 3 posts

Self Esteem Issues by

Hi all, just wondering if anyone has got any advice for self esteem issues? Both my parents were alcoholics and with all the horrible stuff that goes with it, I have become an adult with quite deep self esteem issues. I have spoken to a counsellor which has helped, and I feel I have some techniques to help me when I am not feeling great about myself (working out, music, listing things I like about myself) and a lot of the time these things help. However sometimes I just feel so bad about myself and I don’t believe all the things I thought I liked about myself. It’s almost like I am 2 people, sometimes I think wow I’m great, Iv dealt with so much adversity and made it through and then other times I think I’m literally the most pathetic and undesirable person. I really want to stop feeling like that. I know everyone has bad days but I treat myself so badly and beat myself up about things and I just need ways to improve my confidence and self esteem. Any one know what I mean and can offer advice? Thanks

by Leda

1 of 2 posts

No Support Network by

Over the past couple of years I have realised I have no support network at all... I have cut my alcoholic mum out of my life and although I do live a fulfilling life (I enjoy my job and have a good social life) I don’t have anyone I can lean on or talk to... I am not close to any of my family and many of them don’t speak to me anymore after cutting my mum out, I have one cousin that I am very close to and can talk to as she understands and has seen all the stuff Iv been through but I don’t want to over burden her. She is always there for me but I feel like I’m always leaning on her and it’s not fair. I have recently received counselling which has helped massively, but that is coming to an end now and while I have learnt a lot of techniques to keep me from feeling overwhelmed, I still feel like I need to talk to people about my situation. I have found that many ‘friends’ don’t really want to hear about my problems and tend to back away when I do open up. My Counsellor has encouraged me to talk to others but this isn’t working. Does anyone else feel like they have no support network and what do you do to overcome this? I am feeling very alone at the moment. Thanks :)

Crack Addicted Mum by

Thank u Liberty and I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through similar with your partner. I totally understand the feeling of grief. I am definitely going through the same. I always a say this woman is not my mum, the drugs and alcohol have made her into someone else entirely. There is an amazing woman under there somewhere but I haven’t seen her in such a long time and don’t know when (or if) I’ll see her again and I totally would describe this feeling as grieving. I spoke to someone online a few weeks ago in a similar situation to me but whose mum actually died of a heroin overdose a few years ago. She said when her mum passed away she felt numb and didn’t even cry. Her therapist said that was because she had grieved whilst her mum was still alive and had been preparing for the death. That is definitely something I can relate to and I’m sure you can too. This explains why I feel such dispair and sadness. I understand what you say about the inconsistency of care and sense of rejection... one minute they’re sorry and want to be around you the next they reject you and couldn’t care less. I know it’s the addiction that makes them do this but it’s so cruel. It hurts so much. I dint know about you but my mums addictions have caused me so many mental health problems myself. I have so many issues that I relate to those experiences. When I look at the list of typical attributes of an adult child of an addict I tick every box. I know of a few people that have managed to get and stay clean, but like you say it has to come from the person and our hands are tied... it’s a horrible position to be in. I hope your boyfriend manages to break the cycle and that you can find peace xxx

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