This is an unsent letter from a mother to her son called ‘I am not having it’, which has been kindly shared with us in the hope that it will help other mothers going through what she is going through.
I am not having it
‘Whatever you say AND forever and a day, “I am not having it”. “Are you listening, “I AM NOT HAVING IT; I am powerful and I am me”.
I am shouting it from the rooftops and it is echoing back to me from the four corners of the earth, and it feels GOOD.
I would like to say to you. I have endured and tolerated your behaviour for far too long. It is just a constant theme; relentless, not ending anytime soon. What is the BEAST that has all encompassed you? Shown interest, be encouraging, be supportive – I have done all of these.
From the moment of your journey into this world I have been there for you. I can only give you my love but not my thoughts, for you have your own thoughts. I love you with all my heart, but I am carrying a heavy sack, so I say again, “I AM NOT HAVING IT”.
For me it feels like an enigma – something not quite clear and puzzling. There is little reward for the effort I put in, so, the answer is, NO, I am not having it anymore. My box has opened and these words are falling out like delicate confetti washed away by the rain.
On high alert, no; feeling confused, no; feeling guilty, no; not anymore. All I ever wanted for you was, to be accomplished, admired and loved. I feel I have loved and lost you. Will we ever laugh and joke again, will we get back those lost years? But I want you to know that hope always prevails in my darkest moments.
I am not abandoning you, but, “I AM NOT HAVING IT”.
To you the audience
For years my head was totally empty, without inspiration or a game plan. I felt rather like a soul in disarray. What happened defies all imagination. I completely ran out of steam, feeling dizzy, dazed and dumb, and would question, ‘what is happening to me’. It eclipsed everything, could life be so cruel? I was truly ‘at whit’s end corner’.
I shall not look upon these days with any kindness. I suppose I will never get over it, but I am determined to learn to accept it. I am a survivor.
At times I have felt like I needed a psychological first aid kit. It has been unimaginable chaos, loss of freedom, many tears and sadness. But today I am building confidence, power and strength to achieve the best, with the support here, my beliefs and being me.
In my little garden, my little piece of paradise I say again, softly this time, “I am not having it”.
There is a quote by Mario Fernandez, that says:
‘Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine’
It’s all about perspective. Change the way you think and your life will change and you will find the sun, ready to illuminate your life and cast away the darkness.’
Anonymous Mother