This article was originally published in the April edition of DDN magazine on Monday 3rd April. The edition can be downloaded here (p13): https://www.drinkanddrugsnews.com/ddn-april-2023/
Unhealthy Relationship
Drinking does not necessarily need to be frequent or considered dependent for it to have a damaging impact on intimate partner* relationships. This is one of the key discoveries from our new research study published with the Alcohol and Families Alliance (AFA) looking at the experiences of those affected by the drinking of an intimate partner, and the negative effects drinking can have on a relationship.
The links between drinking and intimate partner abuse are well established, and whilst alcohol must never be used as an excuse it is often a related factor. However, in the initial scoping work for this project we found that there was less specific evidence addressing the links between alcohol (both at dependent and
non-dependent levels) and couple conflict. This study provided the perfect opportunity to plug that
gap and focus squarely on the negative effects drinking has on relationships, irrespective of the prevalence or dependency of that drinking.
Of the people we spoke with, many found their partner drinking to cope with stress and emotions relating to family or relationship matters, money or historic trauma. Normalised heavy drinking in social situations or sporting events were also frequently mentioned, along with drinking after life changes such as having children, children leaving home, or retirement. Many admitted to originally being in denial about the impact of their partner’s drinking and found that it was even encouraged by family and
friends, justifying the behaviour.
‘I was really upset by it, but everybody just saw it as a bit funny so it became a bit of a joke,’ said
one respondent. ‘So then you feel “I can’t really make too big a deal about that”, and you think “oh
maybe I’m being silly”. Also, I think if I’m honest, there was a degree to which I joined him in the denial. I acknowledged it, but minimised it.’
The emotional impact felt by those affected by their partner’s drinking was significant. In the online survey conducted as part of the study, 84 per cent of respondents reported that their mental health was negatively affected by the situation, with experiences of verbal abuse, loneliness, isolation, stress and worry associated with their partner’s drinking all common.
A majority of participants also reported that their partner’s drinking caused conflict, tension and arguments within their relationship. The day-today implications ranged from impacts on finances, childcare and household responsibilities to having to avoid events and social occasions where alcohol could become an issue, as well as a subsequent lack of emotional connection and intimacy. Most common, however, was the breakdown of trust in relationships due to the deceitful behaviour associated with drinking. Once these feelings of distrust had developed they filtered into the relationship more generally – even during non-drinking periods.
‘It’s this thing about alcohol being insidious, it filters into every area of your life,’ another respondent
stated. ‘There isn’t one aspect of our relationship that hasn’t been impacted by it. And also, other people in the house, because even when he’s sober, we’ve still got the memories of what he said, or how he behaved when he’s drunk, even if he can’t remember them.’
Stigma was a key factor, as it so often is, and partners often felt judged by others for remaining in the relationship. A relationship expert interviewed as part of the study commented that
when it comes to talking about alcohol and relationships, ‘there is double stigma at play. Talking
about issues within your intimate partner relationship can be taboo in British culture, and people feel pressure for their relationships to appear perfect.’
Overall the study demonstrates the need for a more nuanced approach to tackle this issue. Affected partners often don’t consider that they need support for themselves in their own right or that their partner’s drinking is serious enough to warrant it. While government policy is moving in the
right direction, and in recent years there has been a greater focus on reducing couple conflict below
the threshold of domestic abuse which is intended to reduce the negative effects of parental conflict
on children, this needs to be taken further.
The government should extend its Reducing Parental Conflict programme to focus on drinking and consider a public awareness raising campaign on how drinking can affect relationships to improve
understanding and make frontline services more visible to those affected. Whether drinking is daily
or infrequent, at the pub, an event or at home, we must ensure the impact it has on our relationship
with our loved ones is always at the forefront of our consideration.