Adfam is proud to promote Beloved, a new exhibition by artist Antonia Rolls, after her two incredible previous works, ‘Addicts and those who love them’ and ‘A graceful death’.
Antonia sadly lost both of her sons to suicide following many years of addiction. Beloved seeks to provide solace for those who have experienced these tragic losses, while telling the stories of those affected through portraits and words.
Antonia shares her story below and the inspiration behind her latest work, Beloved, which will be opening in Brighton in six weeks’ time, before moving to Edinburgh.
Content warning – this article describes experiences of suicide and loss.
Beloved. An exhibition bringing suicide and addiction deaths into the light.
by Antonia Rolls
On a bleak February afternoon in 2023, I found my oldest son dead on his sofa. His front door was unlocked, and I knew something was very wrong. He was cold and stiff. I wanted to put a blanket on him to warm him up, to call his name to wake him, but I knew he was dead. He was 29.
In the early hours of a July morning in 2024, my younger son hanged himself in the Annex of my house. When I found him, he was barely alive. As I cut him down to hold him, he died, his last breath left him, and I was too late. He was 27.
Both my sons had struggled for years with addictions, with deep dark mental health problems and with a profound sense of isolation and loss. For over ten years my older son, Costya, suffered from crazy, cruel and destructive drug and alcohol addictions. His journey and my journey with him was terrible, and yet, he was my boy and I loved him so much. It took years for me to recognise, understand and learn about his addictions and still, I could not save him. I could do nothing, in the end, to help him.
My younger son Dimitri hid his problems for years. Despite living with me, I did not know how bad his life had become. He and Costya adored each other. After Costya’s death, I watched as Dimitri’s drinking and mental health spiralled out of control. He said the darkness that covered Costya had come for him, and he did not want to be here. And once again, I could do nothing to help, to keep him here, to save my beautiful boy.
I am an artist. I have worked with difficult subjects through art over the last twenty years, trying to understand and raise awareness for end of life issues, and then for addictions. My first project was called “A Graceful Death, portraits and words from the end of life”. And then, as Costya became terrifyingly out of control, I worked on my second project with Costya’s permission, called “Addicts And Those Who Love Them, behind every addict is someone traumatised by loving them”. I painted portraits of and interviewed people in and around addiction in an effort to understand Costya, and then Dimitri, because both my boys were living lives beyond my comprehension.
And now, both my projects on the end of life and addiction have come together. Both my sons are dead through drugs and alcohol and suicide.
On the night Costya died I understood that his life was characterised by absolute darkness. Whatever light was visible kept him going until the darkness blotted out all memory of the light. He believed there was no light and there was only one way for him to escape the pain. I believe that the darkness got his body and his mind but not his soul. He was collected, in my mind, by such creatures of light and love that nothing could ever harm him again. But, the darkness that had tried to obliterate him was still here, on this earth, and was looking for someone else. Anyone else. When I spoke of this to Dimitri, he told me the darkness had come for him.
Costya and Dimitri’s lives were sad and troubled, but their deaths are not. I thought, perhaps Costya and Dimitri were collected at the moment of their deaths by others who had died in this lonely, lost, squalid way, now in the light. These beings come as someone lost in darkness dies, looking as they did while alive so as not to frighten the soul they have come to collect, and to take them up away from all this pain into the light. I thought, these beautiful beings in the light are the Beloveds, and Costya and Dimitri are now Beloveds, as are all who die lonely, despairing, dark and isolated deaths. I like to think Costya was Dimitri’s Beloved. I also like to think that all new Beloveds are taken up to the best rehab in existence, with 100% success rate.
I am creating a new exhibition now, called Beloved. It brings the already dark subject of addiction deaths, overdoses and suicides into the light, literally into the light, and suggest a way for we who are left to continue to live despite such loss. The exhibition Beloved is for all of us – and there are so many of us – who have lost someone in this way. How do we cope? How can we find peace after such a journey alongside someone we love in deep addiction? Beloved is about the light. It is about reframing our losses so that the devastating darkness of suicide, overdose and addiction deaths stop with that death. I believe that our Beloveds are truly in the light, and that we have a choice. We can look for the light, it is available to us too – the darkness that is left will find us but we do not have to believe that it is all there is. The light is there, and never goes away. It is waiting for us to notice it, it never goes out, and is always there. This is what this new exhibition Beloved is about.
Beloved, and I, am grateful to Adfam for their support and kindness. All during Costya’s life, Adfam was a place of refuge, understanding and learning for me. Their support for the Beloved exhibition is also wonderful and much appreciated.
Beloved dates are below, all are welcome.
Brighton
19th – 25th May 2025
Fishing Quarter Gallery
201 Kings Parade Arches
Brighton
BN1 1NB
Opening night Monday 19th May
Entrance free
Edinburgh
2nd – 13th August 2025
Edinburgh Fringe Festival
Whitespace Gallery
76 East Crosscauseway
Edinburgh
EH8 9HQ
Opening night Monday 2nd August
Entrance free
My YouTube channel is here https://www.youtube.com/@antoniarolls/videos where I talk about walking this new landscape of loss
My website is www.antoniarolls.co.uk
Visit the GoFundMe fundraising page for Beloved
