Congratulations to Family Voices 2024 winner, Caroline Wills with her entry, Addicted to you – a letter to my son
Adfam’s Family Voices Competition is a poetry and creative writing competition, for families affected by substance use to share their story and creatively express their thoughts and feelings.
Caroline was selected by the judging panel as the winner for 2024, and her entry was read out at Adfam’s Christmas Carol Concert on 12th December. You can read the entry below:
Addicted to you – a letter to my son
by Caroline Wills
The song ‘Fix you’ resonates in my head but I couldn’t. I had tried everything but I had run out of options, ideas, energy and hope. For years I tried to find an answer, a cure, a way to find my boy again and to take away the pain, despair and shame.
Drugs dominated your life – every waking moment was focussed on the next hit. It didn’t matter about the lies, the stealing and the damage to the rest of us. But I was also addicted. Addicted to you. I lost sight of me as I was so focussed on you. You were the first thing I thought when I woke and would be my last thought at night – usually angry and tense as I waited to see if you would make it home alive. Like you I did stuff I wasn’t proud of and put myself in danger – I tracked your movements through friends and bank accounts, swinging on a pendulum of anger, despair. The endless nights sat chasing sleep – rigid with anger or fear in a foetal position.
You were good at lying but not as good as me at remembering details, searching for clues and deliberately catching you out. You were my specialist subject. So much wasted energy and I was more devious than I care to admit. But to what end ? You hated the situation you were in as much as me, but we were both stuck on repeat.
You tried everything I suggested but things got worse not better. But you always came home. The connection – you knew you were safe. We tried to function and manage as a family, but the shadow grew and got worse. For years I waited for the simple ‘morning’ text. You knew I worried and this was our unspoken agreement that you were safe. Those times were hard and there seemed to be no end in sight, just existing.
But I was still chasing that connection, that tiny chink that showed you were still there. There was hope. I realised, no, we realised I was not enough. I couldn’t fix you and we needed a different type of help. I let you go. It was at this point that our recovery began.
I am proud to have a son in recovery and share our story with pride as we have worked hard as a family. We do not celebrate and shout about recovery enough, especially when talking about young people. People work hard at recovery. It is not just about stopping those addictive behaviours but about learning new ones, being honest and working at rebuilding relationships. That takes courage. I have also had to work hard at my recovery and change my behaviours. I am no longer addicted to my son as I now talk about and celebrate both my kids with a healthy dose of mother’s pride.