For Families

It is normal to feel helpless, frustrated, worried and upset by a loved one’s substance use. Drug and alcohol users can have very erratic behaviour, and it can be difficult to know how to act around them. Their substance use may lead to patterns of behaviour that can be distressing, distant, cold or even aggressive, angry and violent. Some drug users may commit crimes and go to prison.

Each family is different but family members often take one or more of the following approaches:

• Denying – ignoring the problem, hoping it will go away
• Enabling – inadvertently enabling drug/alcohol use to continue by paying debts, lying to cover up for the user, tolerating very difficult behaviour, giving them money which goes on drugs/alcohol etc.
• Controlling or ‘Fixing’ – trying to take control of the user’s life and drug/alcohol use in an attempt to make them stop using.
• Apathy – withdrawing, giving up.

Although common and natural responses, these approaches rarely help. It is important to:

• Keep yourself safe
• Establish and maintain clear boundaries
• Think about your own health and wellbeing
• Explore the other pages in this section for more tips.

Family members are often desperate to help their loved one stop drinking or using drugs. Ultimately, whether your loved one recovers is up to them. You can’t take that decision for them, difficult though that may be to accept at first. However, there are some steps that you can take to support them.

Get support for yourself

It may sound counter-intuitive, and you may have never considered getting support yourself, but a family who is healthy and supported is in a much stronger position to influence their loved one to seek help. Explore the other pages in this ‘Help for Families’ section to find local services in your area.

Inform yourself about the substance they use

Those who use drugs and alcohol sometimes exploit their loved one’s fears and lack of knowledge. The better informed you are the less able they will be to manipulate you or play on your worries.

Find out about treatment services in your area

Your loved one may not be interested in getting help yet but have the information to hand or casually leave it in their way (if safe to do so). It may plant a seed and it will mean that you are better informed about what treatment involves when the time comes to support them in it.

Maintain clear boundaries

Work out your boundaries, communicate them to your loved one and stick to them. Read more about setting boundaries.

Be positive

This can be extremely challenging, especially if you have experienced a string of disappointments or broken promises. But finding ways to communicate to your loved one that you believe in them and are there to support them when they are ready to seek help can make all the difference. Recognising successes, however small they may seem (a small reduction in the drugs/alcohol used or a thoughtful gesture which comes out of the blue) can play an important role in motivating someone to change.

Those who use drugs and alcohol may sometimes put their loved ones at risk. Here are some examples:

• Threatening, aggressive, violent and abusive behaviour when under the influence or in an attempt to get money to buy drugs / alcohol.
• Drug dealers coming to the home to collect debts.
• Using the home for illegal or anti-social activities.
• Acting irresponsibly when in a position of responsibility for children.
• Acting irresponsibly when in a position of responsibility for property e.g. causing a fire whilst trying to cook whilst drunk or high.

Whilst you cannot control the risks someone takes with their own health or safety, you can take steps to protect yourself, and others.

• Establishing clear boundaries about when your loved one will or will not be allowed in your home.
• Involving the necessary authorities if you feel there is a risk of harm to children.

• Ring the free, 24/7, confidential NSPCC helpline on 0808 800 5000

• Making a plan to have somewhere else to go to keep yourself safe should the need arise.
  Seek support if experience abusive behaviour. Ring the free, 24/7, domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247.

If you ever feel you, the substance user or a third party is at risk of immediate physical harm, don’t hesitate to call 999.
These decisions can be extremely difficult and can take time to work through. It is always a good idea to seek support for yourself to talk through your options and hear how others have coped in similar situations.

We have worked with relationships charity OnePlusOne over the past couple of years to create an audio resource that tells the stories of couples affected by alcohol and drug misuse in their families and the effect on their relationship.

We know couples living in families affected by drug and alcohol misuse often live with acute worry, putting a strain on their relationships. To help, the project has created an audio collection of short stories and practical advice from real people living in families affected by drug or alcohol misuse.

You can listen to Relationship Realities here:

Please do give us your feedback on the project by completing the very short evaluation form at the bottom of this page.

The project is funded by the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) and forms part of a wider contract for Relationship Support Services – Culture Change between One Plus One and the DWP.

Create your user feedback survey

Drug or alcohol use in the family often leads to a lot of conflict. Here are some simple tips to reduce and manage conflict:

• Try to identify when arguments tend to take place and make a choice to respond differently or avoid getting drawn in. For instance, do you try to discuss your loved one’s drink or drug use when they have just arrived home under the influence, or first thing in the morning when they are hung over? What about leaving these emotive discussions for a different time?
• Think about the tone and language that you use.
• Aggression or accusations (even in retaliation) are rarely constructive and are very likely to lead to conflict.
• Walk away. If things are getting heated, explain calmly that it would be better to return to the conversation at a later time, and remove yourself from the conflict.
• Try to find something positive to say!
• It can be easy to fall into negative communication cycles and for the drink or drugs to take over family life. A kind gesture or a word of thanks for something, however small, can do wonders for a relationship and make life a little bit happier for everyone.

Many family members ask why they should have to do anything differently when they are not the one with the problem. Of course, your loved one’s substance use is not your fault and you should not take responsibility for it. However, psychology shows that we can have a huge influence on those around us through the way that we interact.

You may not want to maintain or build your relationship with your loved one, and you may be at the stage of wanting to take a step back. In that case these tips may not be for you. But many families affected by drugs and alcohol report huge improvements after they took some simple (but sometimes challenging!) steps towards more positive communication.

1. Avoid accusations, blame, aggressive tones and nagging
   These feed a cycle of negativity and rarely succeed in persuading loved ones to do what we are hoping they will do.
2. Keep communication clear, simple and brief.
3. Look for positives and thank your loved one for them (doing the washing up, coming in when they said they would, saying ‘good morning’ rather than ignoring you – anything!) We all like to feel recognised and valued. These kinds of interaction create a chemical reaction in the brain which can be similar to the effects of drugs and can lead to a positive cycle of reinforcement (but don’t hold your breath! It can take time.)
4. Find ways to have fun together.
   Life can end up revolving around the drug or alcohol use and simple pleasures can fall by the wayside. Obviously depending on the level and pattern of your loved one’s substance use, are there ways to build in fun together that takes the focus off the substance use and rebuilds trust and positivity in the relationship if these have been lost?

Living with or caring for a loved one who uses drugs or alcohol can take a huge toll on family members. One of the benefits of support for yourself is that it can help you to think about your own needs. Often life has come to revolve around the substance user and it’s a long time since you thought about your own wellbeing. Here are some of the things that families often find helpful:

• Carving out a small slot in the week to do something just ‘for you’. Re-read a favourite book, take a walk in the park, curl up with a magazine, take a bath, paint your nails, re-discover a long lost hobby.
• Mindfulness. There are now many apps and local classes to help us practice mindfulness which is scientifically proven to improve wellbeing and reduce stress.
• Re-connect with old friends. Families affected by drugs and alcohol often become isolated from previous social networks.
  Get some exercise. A brisk walk, a cycle or a favourite class has many health and wellbeing benefits, not least that it will release endorphins which improve your mood.
• Take a break. Many family members of those who use drugs or alcohol feel unable to get away because of the unpredictability of their loved one’s behaviour. But a change of scene, even for a weekend, can make a huge difference to the rest of the family.
  Family support services may have groups, information and facilities to support you in taking steps to improve your own wellbeing.
• Visit our SUPPORT PAGE to see what support or help is there or near you.

Many families of substance users put up with far more than they are really comfortable with. You might have told your loved one that if they behave a certain way ‘one more time’ then something will change – you’ll call the police or they won’t be able to come on holiday with you, or even that it won’t be possible for them to continue living with you. But it can be easy not to follow through on these statements. However, setting and maintaining clear boundaries is essential for both you and your loved one. Not doing so results in chaos and uncertainty.

Have you ever issued an ultimatum and then not followed it through? What happened? Did you mean it when you said it? Are there steps you could take to make it possible to implement (if that is what you want)? Try not to make empty threats. Think through your limits, communicate them clearly and then follow through and do what you said you would do. If you aren’t willing to do it, don’t say that you will. It can be easy to make bold ultimatums in the heat of the moment. Try to avoid this. Instead, sit down with your loved one in a calm moment and communicate your decision clearly.

Some common areas to think through in terms of boundaries with your loved one:

1. Money. Do you give them money? Is this appropriate for their age? Can you afford it? Are you comfortable with it? Does something need to change?
2. Providing food, electricity etc.
3. Cooking meals, doing laundry, running errands.
4. Covering for them e.g. calling in sick to their workplace when they’re hung over after a night out.
5. Allowing them in the home when under the influence.
6. Driving them around when under the influence.
7. Having them live with you.

It can be very difficult to decide what is appropriate. To provide food, shelter, some meals and laundry for a teenager may be normal but what if they’re still using and still expecting this several years later? Helping out in a time of crisis can easily become a way of life. What seems reasonable when someone is participating in family life can feel unreasonable if relationships break down and it feels like they are using you like a hotel. When is enough enough? Families feel scared or anxious of what would happen if they stopped doing these things for their loved ones. Would they look after themselves? Would they be homeless? Where would they go?

However, the toll on families can be huge. Sometimes there is no incentive for a drug or alcohol user to change because life is very comfortable for them as a result of this kind of practical support and a time can come when family members feel that things must change.

Finding local support can help you work through these questions and decide what is best for you and your loved ones.