Hi All
Well I posted this on the 24th Nov.
I didn’t see him again until the 2nd of Dec when he turned up in a bad way and I stupidly let him stay.
I witnessed him withdrawing over 3 days which was horrendous (considering I have never been in the same room as people taking drugs or seen a comedown) the first night his face was in total agony and he was blowing his nose constantly, disgusting but when he was asleep I looked in one of the tissues and there was bits of his nose in it, it wasn’t snot (sorry) it was literally the padding out of his nose!
he woke up screaming saying it was the devil after him and he said the devil had my face and I was scratching at him (nice) when I woke up he was asleep on the couch and a bottle of gin and a bottle of wine where empty!
he then slept for 2 days, He then went into work for 4 days god knows how.
on the 7th day he seemed ok and he booked into the drug centre where we live, he txt to say it was horrible etc. 3 hours later he rang to say I have done it again!!! I came home from work thinking he would be gone but he was in the spare room coked off his head looking at the internet at what cocaine does to the body!!
Again he slept for another few days and then he missed work.
I didn’t know how to cope so was still questioning him which I know would have added to the stress but there is no handbook.
2 days later he was gone again after an argument.
He rang a few times and asked if he could come for xmas I said no I would spend it on my own (thinking this would make him realise how bad it was)
He came Xmas eve and told me he was LEAVING ME and to get a divorce and left.
I spent 25th Dec until the 2 Jan on my own in the house, no contact from him at all.
He contacted me on the 6th jan to say I take drugs, get a divorce if you want a future!!!
No contact since then.
I have just put a deposit on a rental property and I move in 2 weeks and I have blocked all contact.
I have been talking to a councellor from the icarustrust.org and having one to one with a charity called footsteps and also attended a group for concerned families but I realised these sessions where about him and I needed to speak to someone about what I needed to do. he takes vast amounts of drugs and I realise I will never get any answers.
I told my work what was happening and they have paid for counselling and we are working out what I need to do now with my life, its about me now him!!
I have lost over 2 stone, my hair started falling out, I have cried everyday since the 24th and I know I wont stop crying for a lot longer but I am coming to realise that is par the course.
I am still in the denial part, my family cannot understand but I am remembering the husband I fell in love with and not this stranger that appeared all those months ago.
He has killed my plans of a family one day I am 40 now, he will have spent most of his half of the profit from the house, so killed the other dream of the house we wanted.
After speaking with his sister he was an addict in his 20’s, no-one thought to tell me, and he has been doing it for the whole of our relationship (I had no clue) but got really bad 18 months ago so my whole relationship was a lie and that is what is hard to deal with.
I wish I could say I feel stronger but I don’t but I know I will, I just take each day as it comes.
I lay in bed wishing he would come home but I am now starting to think why would I want that, to leave at xmas and tell me all them lies, I deserve more than that!
I worry that he will stop and meet someone else and give them the life we should have had but if he does then he does and I will know for sure that he never cared.
He still blames me 100% for all this happening as he says he was unhappy, we got married 2 years ago!!
Hox
I wish I had some good advice for you but its painful and there is nothing you can do but go through it, its nearly 3 months for me and I didn’t think I would survive but I have and I am talking to you now, as I said day by day. I am here if you need to talk.x
Sorry for long post but good to get it off my chest.