I’m the same sort of but I started a lot of our problems by the way I reacted to some of the drug issues.
My husband hounded me about me having affairs and stopped talking to me for weeks at a time, as he got jealous about me having other sexual partners before I met him. He would imagine me sleeping with them and he said it made him feel ill. This was never an issue before drugs. This is before I know it was drug paranoia, I thought he was depressed. I felt bad for him, although he was making me feel dirty like I should be ashamed that I’d slept with others before him. He really got in my head! In my temper I told him he wasn’t attractive and I could do better etc. This stayed with him and he’d bring it up for ages. I only said it because I was fed up of the mental abuse.
Because he would basically call me a sl*t etc I in my temper started setting my fb to single and blocking him, this drove him wild. He would make up with me, then he’d abuse me and it would happen again. Then in Feb when I found out about the coke I threw him out. He spent the week on self destruct, he added about 50 girls on fb, telling some of them they was attractive and we’d split up ages ago! He even met one for a drink, although she said nothing happened, he was off his face and talking rubbish about me.
When we made up he said he only did that because drugs made him think everything was my fault. I’d been abusive, I called him unattractive etc. He said he just lashed out. But he says in his right mind he’d never do that. He used all day every day of that week. So can’t remember why or what he’d done but just that in his head it was over, he didn’t want to be with me. But as soon as he came down he knew he loved me but took more drugs to numb the pain.
I forgave him but could never forget that he messaged other people and met someone, but tried to accept that it was because in his head we were over and drugs made him do this. In my temper the other week I went on pof and started messaging men to show him what it felt like, he went nuts. But we realised we were both being petty.
Then this time he’s told a barmaid she was attractive, not an overly sexual comment but not one you should be making when you’re married. He said he knows he would never cheat, there is no intention to cheat, but because I’d threatened divorce 2 days prior bevause he’d reused drugs, he thinks in his head out marriage is wrecked, I’m going on pof to get him back for stuff he’s done (on drugs) when he was clean and we were getting on. The fact that I told him he was unattractive stays in his head still coz he feels so shit inside, he says he felt like a ego boost would have been all it was although he can’t overly remember saying it.
I feel now, that with each new thing he does or I do back to him is causing more issues. I never in a million years would think he would be capable of cheating, but now I question if he could, especially if he has these thoughts in his head all the time, I know it wouldn’t be him but the cocaine him but that’s no excuse if it happens. He should go to greater lengths to not use.
Years ago when he used coke behind my back he says he never used to look at other women etc as he was in a happy marriage and just wanted to dance, he said it’s the whole thing. The fact that when he gets off his head now he has loads in his mind. It’s not fun anymore but can’t stop.
Trouble is my husband does bother with me and does shower me with affection, he tells me he loves me continuously and tries to quit! He isn’t overly apologetic about the women though as in his head he says there was no intention of ever doing anything so he doesn’t feel bad like I want him to.