It’s a hard one is t it. I think actions speak louder than words. My ex keeps saying he will do this and that for me but he never does. He’s going to go ballistic this weekend as I have redrafted our letter to the Judge. He doesn’t want it but both our solicitors say he should have part of my pension but I refuse! I See no reason why he should have mine just because he decided not to have one and spend all his money on cocaine instead! I used to make my children share a cake when I took them to Costa because he kept telling me we had no money. All the while he was doing £700 on cocaine! ????
Cally, I have found mindfulness really helpful but the turning point for me was a book called co-dependent no more by Melanie Beattie. You start to realise the part we play in it, and we do play a part, albeit reluctantly, but their condition turns us naturally into paranoid androids, who wouldn’t after all the lies and deceit we have been through. But we can’t control them. The only thing we have control over is ourselves. It’s important to grieve, and Cally you seem to be at early stages, I think I am only just beginning to come to terms with the who,e letting go concept. But I promise you, that once you learn how to do it, it really does free you! That’s not to say you don’t have bad days, sure I’ve cried several times this week, just let yourself feel what you feel then move on. Mindfulness teaches you how to observe those circular thoughts in the brain, they’re not helping so don’t give into them. It’s an odd concept and I doubt I have mastered it, but it’s a good technique to use when you need to calm yourself.
I am really sorry you have nobody to talk to, is there really nobody, a sister or close friend? You can’t do this on your own, the loneliness must be unbearable. Why don’t you get a notebook and start writing down all the things that you can do for you, just you. I wrote music with my ex and he controlled all the programming and recording software. I didn’t have a clue. Now I not only have my own equipment but have written, recorded and produced 3 songs all by myself! I never thought I could do that!
It doesn’t have to be big things, it can be small things lije today I learned how to change the ink in my printer (I am incredibly ditzy!). Earlier this month I flew to Dublin by myself and had a ball!
Funnily enough Cally, I am planning to meet a friend in Liverpool in the next couple of months, so you know what! We are going to meet up and go out for an evening! I don’t believe in coincidences and everything happens for a reason. I can honestly say this who,e experience over the last 18 months has truly made me a better person. I have grown in every way possible and feel less afraid now that I am learning to let go. The truth is, we don’t really know what will happen tomorrow, let alone next week or next month, or even next year.
B9889 is totally right, your husband may take another path. The thing is, maybe they need to hit rock bottom. Who knows what that is, I think it’s different for each person. But what I really do understand now is that we can’t change people, they will only change if and when they want to. It doesn’t matter that we are right and they are wrong, and we’ve learned now that despite all our spying, ranting crying and ultimatums, that at the end of the day people will be who they want to be and no amount of yelling by us is going to tell them otherwise.
I have a new tack. It’s called moving on and showing him that I am. E dry time I pull away he does something like wash my car or try and do something. Yeah that’s his desire to control me, and so far he has done a fantastic job at that. Bit as time moves on we all get stronger. Maybe when they see that they truly will lose us, maybe that will be their rock bottom. But I actually do want to move on and am not afraid of being on my own any more. Who knows, maybe one day they will surprise us all xx