Hi there, first off the fact that he did 2 and a half years sober is amazing! I’ve just gone through relapse with my husband for cocaine, although he was only sober for 6 months. He did it off his own back and didn’t attend meetings, which at the time he said he could easily dismiss the cravings, until he was faced with it and couldn’t refuse. He didn’t tell me he’d relapsed, I guessed! He denied it which made me furious! like you I questioned (if he’s had a period without) why wouldn’t he have thought about us etc and said no?
The truth is, addicts are addicts for life, there is no cure, just management. I could have handled my husbands lapse better though. I threatened divorce the day he used again, i then brought up a lot of stuff he’d done to me in the past and he said it made him feel like scum! Instead I should have encouraged him to get back on the wagon and praised the time he spent clean. He then went back on it hard and this resulted in me asking him to move away to sort himself out, he’s only been away two weeks and started using pills (ecstasy) and then coke again. So I ended the relationship properly, since then he’s been almost suicidal and cries everyday saying he can’t lose me. Now I’m back to square one. It’s a never ending battle unfortunately.
I’d suggest if I was you, to encourage him and praise him so he doesn’t feel worse, but tell him you expect him to get straight back into being clean. Suggest he attends meetings regularly to help him stay clean, if he wants a relationship with you. You need to call the shots, otherwise they just look for excuses to carry on using. My husbands are; he uses if he’s happy (like a celebration) if he’s sad, if he’s bored, if he feels guilty, etc. Basically he self medicates.