Hi Popples,
You sound like you’re really strong but, if you would like any other support you may like to try us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that provides support for people affected by a partner or family member’s addiction. talking with one of our people might help you to make some sense of what is happening with your partner.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the best.