My ex managed two weeks, as far as I’m aware, off the coke. The signs he had taken something were clearly visible yesterday. I’m annoyed to be honest as I’ve been there for him. It’s not the fact that he has used again, it’s his attitude. He is trying to pretend he is OK with not using, he has no money, he’s going to counselling blah blah. I’m aware he spends a lot of time on his own so I suggested a walk yesterday. My daughter was with us and she was pleased to see him and hoping to spend the afternoon with him. He is a great guy when he’s not taking anything and in a positive frame of mind. Anyway I said to him on the quiet that I was concerned and what had he taken. Honestly, it was like a teenage strop..he stomped off and it was silent treatment with my poor daughter like a mediator. On the quiet she said is he in one of his moods…There and then I thought let’s get away from as soon as possible. He looked a state…like a zombie. To be honest I didn’t want to be seen with him. I got back home and felt relief to feel back to normality. We were meant to be going to dinner around his so I had to explain to my daughter why we wouldn’t be going. Then as usual, the messages started. No admission, no apology just a load of denial and shifting responsibility. He was doing this for me but would go on without my support…he meant coming off drugs …total bull. Then I got the if I loved him as much as I said I wouldn’t be so cold…then the implied I must be up to something because I was active online. I’ve learnt to ignore it all and I’ve blocked him from everything now. My best friend who he’d contacted a week ago to say how sorry he was and how much he loved me and my daughter was sat next to me. I showed her the messages now received. She was shocked by the contrast. Jekyll and Hyde. I bought into the dream he could change. I think it was my dream more than his to be fair. I now feel free of it all. The misery sucks the life out of your soul. I’m not putting my daughter through any more awkward moments either. I don’t think he will change his life until he hits rock bottom. He always finds someone to give him money and food. I tried to intervene with his family but they are still enabling him and not one of them has checked on our wellbeing. I’m seriously expecting the only contact I will hear from them is to tell me he is dead. Writing this has helped me get it all out. I wish it could have been a happy post but ally this is the reality. I suppose the message is don’t put up with too much crap. We all have our cut off point. It’s the first morning I’ve woke up and thought about what I want to achieve rather than I wonder how he is. I do wish him well and hope he beats this on his own.
