Hi Dfh
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.
My husband is a recovering cocaine addict.
Much of his using happened behind my back but once I knew about it it was hard to not try to control things. I tied myself up in knots for years, worrying about him, supporting him, going through his pockets, wondering where he was when he was out of my sight, worrying about money, scrimping and trying to live frugally so he could pay off his debts etc etc.
Eventually one relapse down the line and plenty of threats later, he started meetings, gave up drink and was apparently clean for a year and a half. Then I find out about huge debts, and I’ve recently started divorce proceedings because much as I love him, I can’t carry on in the slipstream of the aftermath of his using nor can I live like I’ve lived for the past half dozen years, like you are living now. It is no life. I’ve tried and I’m exhausted by it.
What I would say to you is step back, leave him to it, and if that means leaving him, do it. Only then might he sort himself out, but if he doesn’t at least you and your children don’t crash and burn with him.