Trainer28, thank you for sharing that with me.
She did attend some sort of alcohol help sessions at the very start of this a couple of years ago but she didn’t feel she gained much from them and didn’t think she was anything like many of the other people on the course and in the building generally. I do kind of get it. She felt she had control and I’d blown it out of proportion and almost forced her to attend. Indeed, I do believe she gave up for a good month or 2 to show she wasn’t dependent.
In reality, I’m sure she suffers from a low sense of self worth and anxiety in certain social situations. This has probably been worsened since she gave up her job to be a full time Mum, albeit I have encouraged her to go back to work if that’s what she wants to do.
Whenever her drinking has caused problems in the past I’ve softened pretty quickly. I end up sweeping it under the carpet, moving on. But in time things slip back into their old ways again.
And in many respects I have overcompensated for her lack of control by being extra self disciplined myself. I exercise every day, run marathons, barely drink, don’t smoke, go to bed early, get up early, read lots of self improvement books, do lots of jobs around the house, etc. However, rather than this giving her encouragement and inspiration to improve herself, it’s probably only making matters worse by growing the gap between us.
I didn’t return home last night until gone 11pm, just stayed at work. Will do the same tonight. Don’t want to go home. Don’t want to face the lies, don’t want to sweep it under the carpet, don’t want to face her, don’t want to be the one who is always seen to be overplaying the problem.
I don’t really see any way out of this. I’ve thought about all options. Each one is painful. I guess that’s life.
Clara1 – thank you and yes, I am blessed to have received the helpful and kind responses from Trainer28 and Kloe88. I have thought about killing myself, even this morning, as I look at things pretty logically, all options. On one side of the coin I can see it would solve the problem and the life insurance is huge (if they would pay out). However, I do also recognise it would have a tremendously negative emotional impact on my children, and my wife, and would be a very selfish thing to do. I will bear in mind the Samaritans if things develop further along that line, but I am pretty confident it won’t get to that point. Thank you for caring.