Hi Curly,
firstly, so sorry for your loss. My brother died of cancer (drink and smoking related cancer). This was not easy to watch and haunts me still. My partner is also addicted to crack, so I have learned a little about addiction. I hope what I write helps you.
An addiction supercedes EVERYTHING else in an addict’s life. Love, family, work, kids.. nothing will be more important to them when they are addicted. When you understand and accept this, you stop hurting and start healing.. you have to learn not to take a person’s addiction personally.. it is not a reflection on you or your family. We all choose our paths and sadly, when an addict chooses theirs, they don’t care who they hurt – the sense of shame and guilt they feel only makes them use more. No amount of blackmail, tears or threats will stop them (unless and until they decide themselves they want to beat it).
You will heal over time and learn to accept it, I am sure. Sending you healing thoughts.