Hi Again Upward!
My God, I’ve just read your story. I feel so so sorry for you. You know my tale (partner on crack)… but even I can say he doesn’t give me the level of abuse or heartache you seem to be sufferingh. (we don’t live together (luckily). I am hoping that in the short space of time I’ve learn stuff, I can pass the following words to you:
* You are not alone. There are thousands of us suffering because of the use of a loved one. You can always come on here.
* My support worker told me one thing: “You are trying to apply rationality to an irrational situation, to an irrational person.” (how many times have we been staggered at the reaction of the user, the nonsense they talk/things they do). I don’t try to even argue with him anymore, or make sense of the bullshit he talks. It’s all drug-driven, so let it go. Stop trying to reason with the mad man in the asylum. When he is using, cut off. Walk away. Refuse to engage. You are worth more than to have a ghost for a partner. Be calm and firm. You are in control of your emotions so don’t surrend them to other people. Do not engage with him if he is abusive, swears, deflects responsibility to you, or wants money. If he cannot respect himself, he won’t respect you.. but you can respect yourself. Start now. x
* I’ve had 6 days without contact now. My God, as you wrote … I feel I can breathe. I have calmness in my head. No drama, no heartache. No lies.. I have suffered anxiety and anger issues due to his use.. but it stops here for me. I’m worth more.
* Users can/will make you feel worthless. They will blame YOU for their use, their weaknesses, their situation. Repeat one mantra to yourself. “NOT MY JOURNEY” We don’t put the crap in their hands or drag them to the dens to buy it. You are a good person trying to help someone in the grip of drugs. You are worth something. Be kind, but be kind to yourself first. Because when they are using, they won’t be kind to you. They won’t give a sh*t about you.
* Be firm. set yourself boundaries. DON’T (please please) enable him by paying him out of trouble in any way. If he doesn’t have to face the consequences of his use, he will continue to do it. Start protecting yourself, your finances and your sanity. Please.
* Set your own goals. If you set joint goals, trust me, you will be let down. I have learned to expect only disappointment from my boyfriend and so far, he hasn’t let me down. Until your chap admits to himself he has a problem and gets help, it won’t start the road to recovery. You are not trained for this, and you cannot pull him out of it. My boyfriend has been telling me for over a year now I am enough for him to stop smoking crack.. and then he uses. Then he apologises. Then he uses again.. then I am his saviour. It won’t end until he gets help for himself and admits his addiction.
Don’t lose your own sanity. Don’t lose your sense of self, and self worth. You can and will find the strength you need… and if you struggle, come talk to us. x