First of all I am heartbroken for you. That is one of the saddest things to happen to anyone, the loss of their mother. Especially at such a young age.
But please take the time to read this as it will help.
The problem is not with you being addicted to these tablets. This issue lies with how you’re dealing with the very very sad moment in your life.
I too am 27 and struggling to cope with depression and anxiety, and have done so since I was a child. My trigger was finding the one man I considered a father figure in my life and best friend to my domestically abused mother, hanging in his room at the age of 27 when I was around 4 years old. – he was an internationally famous musician who supported people like Oasis and headlined at Wembley … so we never knew what reason he had to take his own life…..
Anyway.
It sounds like something very similar to what I’m going through more so recently.
Situational based addiction.
For instance, some people only smoke when they drink.
A chemical imbalance in their brain causes them to crave cigarettes when consuming alcohol in a social environment.
Or even those addicted to weed as a way to ease off anxiety…
When ever they feel anxious they smoke weed as a way to deal / temporarily solve/ mask it… that situation is hard to change as it can happen all the time at random times…
For me, cocaine and drink is my vice. I am addicted to cocaine yet I can go days without it. Same with booze.
Yet when I have a shot, a taste what ever that’s it, I am on it for days … simply because it brings me back into a situation that reminds me I can be happier when I am properly fucked up as my mind will focus on one thing, not a thousand things, and not depressing things either (well not all the time anyway)
But after 10 years of suffering I’ve understood that your quality of life changes by the sober decisions you make as that’s the real you, you may not think it is being on prescription meds for a long time, but sober you is the real you, and will always be there wether you like it or not. Your drug may change, the quantity may change but the sober person who took those drugs will always be the same, but only when sober… so It’s up to you to genuinely decide to stop. If you genuinely want to you will…. and to want to stop you have to understand why it’s better for your well being to stop. (This is the part I’m struggling with tbh)
For me destroying my body was a way of coping … but eventually these drugs will kill me before a natural death, it’s inevitable… And those people who care for me will feel the same way I felt when I lost someone close to me (as mentioned above), yet it will be harder as my death will have been my decision, therefore the sense of purposeful abandonment will be bestowed upon all of my loved ones … in essence they would think: “he would rather die then be around us”
But if you change the way you see these tablets, not as a dependency to take you through the stages of feeling less pain but more of a temporary aid when it gets too much.
Situations like when the social group you’re in start talking about innocent things mothers do like finding embarrassing stuff under the mattress and don’t say anything but you know she found it and the elephant in the room stays there for days until she brings it up at dinner on a whim saying something like “do you like the dinner … oh by the way I washed all of your sticky socks you kept under the mattress … do you want some chips?” … I dunno but obviously that conversation will spark a memory in your brain and the first thing you’ll think of is numbing it by using drugs, which is fine and completely acceptable…
But if you’re still living in the same house you shared then the memories will be a constant reminder of the pain you’re in, thus leading to the spiral of constantly taking the pills.
I know it’s tough but changing your situation to remove the reminders will help you slow the amounts down:
Once you’ve done that Then you truely can ween off them. But you have to believe in your heart of hearts you don’t need them.
I would recommend reading: “The power of your subconscious mind” by Joseph Murphy and Russel Brands book “Freedom from our addictions”
Both of those books helped me understand my brain better, which helped me control my emotions, therefore leading to better decisions, like when to do drugs, who to trust and how to talk to people… but inevitably made me happier as I was put into more control of my mind, stopping my suicidal thoughts controlling me.
Anyway I hope this helps.
I have had no sleep in 11 weeks due to work stress and drugs, finally drifted off then I found your story. This took me well over an hour to write as it touched me.
People care about you, look after yourself.