It’s not you that’s at fault, and I think deep down you know that, perhaps you were trying to find a cause?
It sounds like a situational based addiction. He associates certain situations with stress, enjoyment, anxiety, etc and either enhances or reduces those emotions via coke.
Once you loose control of your emotions in those situations the harder it is to remember how to deal with them without drugs.
I celebrate my 6 year anniversary with my girlfriend tomorrow who has stuck by me no matter what, drugs, depression, suicide attempts…
The best thing she ever did was kick me out and take my keys.
It made me realise quite how bad it had gotten, and nothing else compared to being sober at home as I had no where else to go.
I never did it at home whilst she was there. I could go for weeks without it, but certain situations like after work drinks, an argument, driving home through town knowing friends are out… would spark a relapse. … then I’d be gone for days without even telling her where I was/ who I was with/ what I was doing…
It’s not that I didn’t care about her, it was the fact I thought she would be disappointed in me if she knew the truth, so instead of lying, I just stayed silent.
We started to talk and She helped me open about my feelings and now she understands that every now and again I need a blow out. But as long as she knows and no plans get ruined because of it then there are no qualms.
That has helped me control and monitor when I do it and has helped me prioritise the most important things in our lives, not just my own.
It’s not easy and takes a lot of will power to say no to friends out drinking, but trust me when I say that no happy person continuously uses coke.
Find the root cause of the ‘escape’ then work on the solution.
… don’t get me wrong, this isn’t always the case, but if you want to work through it together, then that is the best solution, as long as you both genuinely want to change your circumstances, not just one of you.
Now, obviously because of what he’s done it would be hard to ever forgive, and obviously you’d never forget… and no one would blame you.
But deep down that same person you fell in love with 12 years ago before the drugs is still there, it’s up to you if you want to find him.
Personally … as a man talking … I’d be very surprised if he sought forgiveness. It might take a big move for you and the kids to go abroad or to another city to make him realise how bad it’s got?
But don’t worry, when I was a child both of my parents were drug addicts, my mother dragged herself away from her toxic ex husband (my real dad) and protected us for 13 years on her own until she met my step dad. They’ve been together for 15 years and he has been clean for 15 years. I haven’t seen her ex husband for 19 years now.
As a kid it was shocking. But now I’m older I understand the situation and do not hold resentment toward my mother for taking us away from him as we grew to understand she was a victim of him.
In a way I don’t even blame him. He wasn’t strong enough to break out from the drugs, and they are very easy to fall in to… but he was a violent man, therefore that’s where I cannot forgive.
I was raised to listen to people’s stories before you decide an opinion on them. Now your kids are with you they will grow up with a better understanding of the world around them and how just the smallest choices you make have the ability to change someone’s life.
Sorry to write an essay, but your story is very similar to my situation 20 years ago, and I simply wish my mother was told the things I’ve mentioned above to you, all those years ago.
Good luck x