Thank you for the advise mate. And yeah I do believe that’s the reason why is to numb the pain as I never had help to get over it , just kept living day by day. Then after my daughter my gf was pregnant again and we had a miscarriage which broke up completely. She can’t tell I’m on it, all my friends don’t understand how she doesn’t because I’m blowing my nose every 20 minutes. I sweat awful in my sleep and she hates it which I never use to, and when I say sweat I literally mean I wake up with the bed almost looking like I’ve wet myself. I lie even about eating as I say I eaten before she got back from work etc. Just got myself into a deep whole of lies, debts, addiction. And if I delete all numbers and people out of my life that use coke. I would hardly any friends, and best friends I have known for 17 years plus. Knowing to get better I know I will loose friends, girlfriend, loosing seeing my beautiful daughter who keeps me going, loosing the chance to see her everyday brakes me just the thought. It’s all just too much with my mental health. But I also kmow if I don’t say , it will be all revealed one day and just makes me sniff more to forget about it and try to be semi normal. My gf has noticed a change in me, even said she wants the old me back. I am and not blowing my own trumpet but I am a really nice kind caring person, and ahh just hate myself for this. Wish I could just wind back clock and never got myself so deep as I am now. If I did belive my mum was looking down now she would be so dissapointed. As she was almost a local celeb as she was the nicest person people had ever met. And I could of beenergy carrying the legacy. I can’t turn to my dad as he’s 68 with heart problems, lives in his own for 15 years and he would just cru every night worrying me and if you knew him you would understand I can’t tell him. I know it’s small step that’s needed and I just struggle so bad knowing about all my lies and what will happen after even the first step as I’m going to loose my gf, my chance to see my daughter everyday, gf parents are lovely but also a little judgemental amd would hate me and make my gf pull even further from me, as non of her family even smoke, let alone touch aby kind of drug. It’s nice I can let out it all on this forum as never been on anything like this , feels good someone knowing for some weird reason amd I thank anyone who replies or talks to me about it
