I feel I can get control of it now, more so than any other time. I am using less in amount and not as frequent as last year but I am an addict and I behave like an addict and I admit to that. My relationship with substance is bad overall, even with weed it would never be one joint it would be 5 or 6. With coke I can’t just do a couple of lines I have to do it all and given the chance I probably won’t stop. The same with prescription meds I will just hammer them if I am in the wrong headspace, benzo’s cocodamol, morphine whatever I can get my hands on, even alcohol I try to avoid as 9 times out of 10 I drink I just abuse it to get intoxicated. At the moment my depression has lifted as I am on new meds but that is even more worrying as I feel I am simply enacting a choice to do coke lately it’s not even to self med. I don’t like so much about cocaine but living a condition where your brain speeds up on it’s own sometimes stimulants recreate that somewhat and remind me of the parts I enjoy about mania. But then coke doesn’t even compare to the experience of euphoria and elation you get from a manic episode. But then I remind myself I have experienced psychosis before just being off my medication and using drugs only further risks my mental health.
