Dear Sadmom23,
I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. As Retroheadz has said, it is really really important that you get support for yourself.
It is particularly important that you seek support when/if you are feeling suicidal. The Samaritans run a 24hour helpline on 116 123. They don’t judge or tell you what to do, just listen and support.
Best wishes,
CMXx